Saturday, February 11, 2012


This is my stupidness.

I am not pregnant. I have not been pregnant since I miscarried months ago. My husband has not been here since May and I have not been touched or allowed anyone close enough to take advantage of any form of opportunity...

Yet one person at my site asks "are you taking prenatal vitamins?" and I ask "why?" so she goes "just curious"

And I dig out that last test out of that box and take it just to prove it is "just curious"... it wouldn't be the first time one of "them"(people in the mental health system) lied or kept important information from me. They even state they are allowed to if they so "feel it is in your best interests"... so I tend to check whatever they say.

Now... my cramps feel like THAT so that just further screws with me. Been like that since my youngest was born. Rohan is now one, turned in December. Rowan... his birthday is tomorrow.

I have all the signs I am not but... questions like that screw with my head. it is too soon for me to have fully accepted it. Every time something like that happens I think "what if I was wrong?" and have to check.

Because I am in the mental health system I have to  fear something other people don't.  when someone without a diagnosis goes in and says "I am pregnant but it won't show up on a home test yet" they get a blood test. when someone like me goes in, they question your mental status instead.  With rohan I was already well into second trimester before a pregnancy test tested positive on me. I knew before then. I was KICKED before a test tested positive! But until I had that test nobody listened.

Whether they listen or not doesn't change the facts. I was pregnant. Sometimes I have trouble accepting I lost her. Instances like that... make me double check.

In the mental health system, nothing you say matters. As long as your in it, your voice will never matter... just get your records if your in it and don't believe me. Most write half a fantasy and less than a fraction of what you actually say. Luckily, I have kept journals long enough to prove a consistent thought process. perhaps I will one day be able to use that to get free of it.

By tomorrow the bad cramps will be gone... this happens every month. I can function during it and have managed much.... but I will never be able to hold my child... because, just like my sister, this child also never made it to being born. Unlike my sister though... their will be no ultrasound photos. their is nothing to prove she ever existed besides my own knowledge and my ex roommates claim to having felt the fluttering too.

Excuse me, I have a cake to plan.


Many people do not express their ire when things get tough and take it out on others. no matter how ugly it may be... even to me, I will express it where it is needed... even if it is sometimes only in my diary or on a blog. that is just... the type of person I am.


No comments:

Post a Comment