Friday, February 24, 2012


I have found that arguing with people about what they said is a moot point and a win less argument.

I will simply put, just keep my recordings of phone calls and should things ever get "legally messy" as I call it often(mostly to myself) I have said recordings. if nothing else it proves a history of lack of integrity in the "company"... in this case... a college.

I have been attending, and I don't intend to transfer so when this place keeps calling me and bugging me about it, it is pretty annoying... especially since I have heard "OK, we will take you off of our calling list" about 3 times already. I hear that same phrase when they call for someone named "Anthony" as well as this females name...

anyway, the point is, getting calls that are not for you from companies that are apparently convinced otherwise(how can they live here if I don't know them and have no idea who they are talking about-they don't even give anthony's last name-one more thing, I REALLY hope it's NOT the one I did know... already once had a gf make a fraudulent call pretending to be me... so I must confess I would not be surprised especially considering what my god-sister told me about him texting her saying he knows where I live months ago... almost a full year ago actually... oh shit-it was over a full year ago-0.0-wow... time fly's).

anyway... that's the type I dated... actually if I was smart I wouldn't have but... we were both what is considered "impaired" at one point and being the "good girl"... I felt obligated to date him after that. I mean... their wasn't exactly much else we could do at that point. I mean... once you have their really is no going back. actually... that one time wasn't so bad... and of course I fell for him.... hard... it really didn't help that I had done so before the incident with the impaired judgment... I told him me and that drink didn't mix well... two emotionally strained people in the same room BOTH either near tears or IN tears already... recipe for disaster if you ask me... though to this day I don't regret it. why regret what you cannot go back and change?

the fact of the matter is... in the situation I doubt I would have done things differently. NOW I would... I would be able to push the person away and not do that... but not then. *shakes head* funny how that goes... but when he wasn't going crazy on me he was actually quite kind... not the brightest bulb in the box to say the least but... to me... that didn't matter. so having been raised to believe that love held the power to do anything by my mother(until she died) I was highly disappointed when the acts of his "other"(after awhile that is what you refer to that wreather or not it is true) were not such acts of anything but anger, hate... control. he himself mostly hangs on fake makes... but most people do. strangest thing... I find it ironic that even after all this time... I still could sit int he same room with him and point out exactly when he is putting on his "bullshit" face. his bullshit face is also his "gaming" face. This is also the face he wears when he tells a story that has no founding in reality but he would often call his history. some of his history does actually have founding but... well... not even half of his history was true and I knew it. I mostly waited for him to tell me... and in time he did. not all but... most. when my husband asked for this persons secrets... for what was truth and what was not... I simply told him "they are not my secrets to tell".

I was raised where I had to draw attention to myself to draw abuse away from another and take it. in my adult life I have also run across situations with the same choice. their was a girl in mesa... I noticed the bruises and lived with her family. CPS had already been out due to the living conditions, the lack of food, the lack of the mother being home, and the reported stuff beyond that I dont' know. the mother talked about the report but I still don't know the rest... and no, I didn't call. what good would it have done anyway? despite the fact their was feces on the ground and whatnot... this place was bad, and guess who had to do her best to CLEAN it? me. right. oh it wasn't fun that is for sure. NOT! omg ewe. anyway, the sister had marks, bruises... and the brothers "best friend" and his "friends" who lived their off and on were often.... guess what? responsible for said marks. Now I apparently look stupid because I was apparently not supposed to notice so... I dealt with it in the only way I knew how considering not even her mother paid enough attention(and even if she did I doubt she would have said anything)... I made myself a target already knowing I could take a beating and keep their attention on me long enough to give her some peace and maybe even the illusion that they would be nice to her.

I never told her. She never knew... but... at one point I became very sick... not really a surprise considering that place has enough black mold to be considered a health hazard(and black mold is poisonous and I am allergic to fungi period... so... after months of living their lets just say my health declined very very quickly and involved many many visits to the local hospital in which they always ask "is their any reason it isn't safe to go home"-like hell I was going to tell them no, if I didn't... would they go back to hurting her?)

I woke up more than once being touched... got beat up by said culprit girlfriend for "lying", then she decided to slip me a drink that I honestly suspect was spiked(though I doubt they knew slipping me highly concentrated liquor could have killed me-my sensitivity to such is so strong that in a couple of gulps I was nearly unconscious FROM the alcohol... I would not have drank it if they had gotten me fully awake to begin with... my fault for telling them about my early life and how taking whatever I was given while half asleep had been drilled into me), then after slipping me said drink they brought a very drunk friend I knew in the room... you can guess what happened next... though even drunk it seems he knew I was impaired and help some tiny shred of honor... then later I was honest and got beaten for it... because the ones who did such denied it was possible for me to get even "tipsy" off of the amount given. to this day I suspect it was spiked... though I was later witnessed(after my husband and roommate insisted I at least TRY an alcoholic beverage) to actually get near too drunk to stand by myself with only a few sips of an Irish alcoholic beverage... I honestly don't even remember the name.

long story short... I can't drink. I maybe of age(past it actually) but I will never be able to drink. I should also note that I was actually well under the drinking age when they slipped me that bit in mesa.

I have no intention of ever going back... I saw pretty early on that the girl didn't realize what I was doing... I was trying to give her a chance to see kindness and a life without being beaten before she was old enough to go out into the world. her brother was a lost cause... as bad as those he associated with, though not at first glance. when he assaulted me.... I.... couldn't stay. I had tried and I knew it would do no good. the stupidest reason too(not that their was a good reason)... I had a friend named Artemis(her nickname along with others as well) and we were close. she didn't give up her virginity to him... our features have similarities though to my knowledge we hold no relation(I get that lots... my god-sister is even more scary similar), so basically I got raped that time because I held a resemblance to a dear friend. The irony is I suspect her later assault may have been for those same similarities... rape is an act of anger and hatred, not sex. He was angry with me... not her(not that I ever knew of unless he was getting really possessive over his friend-then yeah, completely capable-when he gets angry his rage consumes him and manifests into this "other" him... so a psychotic mess with pent up anger that finds a way to get out by harming others... and he wondered why I left). As for the comment about him getting possessive about his friend... Artemis was engaged to his best friend.

it isn't a nice feeling to know that if you had reported it and gone against a single police officers advise their would at least be a record for a judge to go off of regarding such. she would be able to do something about this... stupidest thing ever(well to anyone but myself I suppose)-I blame myself. It doesn't matter that I didn't do it because I was pregnant and knew stress was bad, doesn't matter that I would choose my child again knowing I would have miscarried had I done so and for my little attempt to get "justice" would have lost a precious little boy who is now very much a sweet child who is purely himself(I treasure my son and believe bother religiously and in my heart... a child has no say in how they are conceived and thus is a gift from a bad situation in such cases. as a gift, it is ones choice to choose to hold said gift close to your heart and treasure them.. raise them well... or refuse such a gift. I believe my son will be purely himself... not the one who hurt me-I do not believe a child should pay the price of the choices adults make and when I look at my son I see only his face- even though at first I was terrified I would become a bad mother who only saw the face of my attacker-of someone I once held close to my heart who attacked me). basically... my little boy is very sweet and even tries to help take care of his brother... it is adorable and cute and even when either of my boys does something I dont' approve of their are times I can't help but laugh or at least smile. usually the message gets across regardless... but how can I do anything but when it is obvious the intent wasn't to do wrong... he is 2 years old. He gets little ideas in his head and goes with it and his brother follows(sometimes vice verse which is kinda... I didn't expect that-but it is plausible to expect as they are so close in age-hm... something mommy didn't consider....-_-").

children do in fact have this uncanny ability to be different than their parents and make their own choices in life... so someday I hope both of my dear ones can do that.

as for my history of abuse... I also have a history of progressively improving my level of NOT tolerating it and would have left the moment I figured out how to after it started with my husband. A social worker "strongly suggested"(insisted really) that I stay. I had plans to leave that very weekend if she hadn't. If I had to, me and the boys would have gone to a shelter... because no abuse is OK.

My history is just that, history. to learn from it and hope others might learn from it... is no crime.... not that I know of anyway.

nobody should ever look at my children and see the actions of the past, and if they do so help me... I will make the time my mother made that gym teacher defecate themselves(whatever she said must have been scary but half the class was outside that door trying to hear it... that's what they got for poking jabs at us and what he got after we went home looking like whipped puppies because a TEACHER was bullying us), look like child's play... but I will do so just as calmly as she did. basically... I have no idea what I could do but... the very idea makes this cold urge go through my body... I know I will hate them.

I often went through much because I look much like my mother(ooo again with the "similar face" thing-see a trend?) but it was the one who put her through the most that didn't even realize my mother had HER face.

out of all those who have hurt me I must confess that besides the social crap about caring what you look like, the fact that even though she is dead I can't avoid seeing her in my face... it why I hate mirrors. the irony is that I in no way see her or anyone BUT my children in my children's faces... but I hear they look like me.. and I can pick out some stuff when I look at my own face... but... though it makes me wonder a bit I don't think I should look this "gift horse in the mouth"... it is obviously a gift not everyone has.

with long hair I look more like my mother... with short hair I look more like my grandmother... with VERY long hair I get to remember this time I was raped using that hair against me... and bald? yeah... no. I actually like having hair thank you. so... I just have to deal with it. I will not get a perm though... though it would indeed get me away from my grandmothers look to come degree... my mother got a perm.... and while my mother was awesome(and admittedly would be far better to visualize when looking in the mirror)... I am my own person.

besides... my family has issues with that stuff.

like hell I am going to even attempt to ask my grandmothers family for help either... not after the stories she told me... not after what I saw of her. while I do believe awesome people can come from horrible situations... call it a double standard but I also believe something had to make her that way... people do not twist into evil that badly on their own. as I don't know much and what i have heard is only about them... true or not it is all I have to go off of. though... they seem pretty nice on Facebook. hm.... guess I just don't want my fantasy version of them shattered. my fantasy version of them is family... yeah, I have a fantasy about this weird family reunion and have ever since i was little... it so didn't help when I realized I had never seen even half the people in that dream and now I have seen them(well only a couple of them and on Facebook no less!-you would be a bit freaked out by that too... I have never seen these people before... my grandmother never let me see the photos of her family so their is no logical reason for me to have ever known what they looked like...)... so weird. very very weird... even worse is that it makes me wonder what other dreams could come try... makes me think of this one I have had since I was little where I fly... people don't have wings and they can't fly! it is fun to imagine though... still... even if I could I am afraid of heights... no short jokes regarding that please.

perhaps one day... I can take the kids to some weird event I heard of in Scotland. my grandmother may have been a Shoesmith... but I am a proud Campbell and so are my children. my husband didn't even want to share his last name... imagine that... but... I don't know if that name matters to others. I am proud of my name because despite the dishonor I associate with it... it was indeed my mothers name and she was indeed... a very beautiful and bright light in this world. she had her faults but... doesn't everyone? she did her best and for that... I do not find any reason to hold her mistakes against her. she was my mother. I am me. besides... I realized years ago her examples were an abuser and someone who turned the other way... so I already know that just by that one time she noticed and got to me... even if she hadn't gotten to me in time... she saw what she was doing mistake wise and was fixing it for us... because she wanted better. That was mom. she once asked someone if it was possible for us, her kids, to break the cycle... because it takes 3 generations(we were listening in around the corner... a habit of mine and my brother growing up... those steps and the idiocy of adults to underestimate the intelligence of children-never underestimate your opponent, especially when they are a child who knows how to avoid the squeaky step and listen quietly)... you know... she wasn't the type to give up so easily.

mom did amazing things by that determination. Our baby sister was supposed to be akin to produce(the doctors said she would be a vegetable and never walk, talk of do anything)... so mom worked with her to change that. I am very proud of my sister, wherever she is, and even had heard many times from her grandmother Claudia that she was a very good student with good grades and her sweet character had brought her good friends who cherished and loved her. she was a girl loved by many... personally I think she got moms smile too... lights up a room. I still have the crochet bracelet she gave me... doubt she would believe me though. so yeah... I kept tabs on her... but I didn't want to interfere as I was told she had heart palpitation's when upset... so if I had let her get attached to me and for some reason was rendered unable to call her.... it could have killed her. at the time I made this decision I was basically a "street rat" for lack of a better way of putting it... my situation was not stable and the best choice was that one. I must admit... to this day that decision bothers me... but I suppose if she wants to know me... I am not really hard to find at all... though... her father is the one who took her... I was never told much about the legalities but I was told who she was supposed to stay with and he also admitted to knowing when he called to brag about it. My sister apparently hadn't been to the doctor in years from what Claudia said... and her intelligence in school was great though apparently her last school had kinda just tucked her in the back and wrote her off.  no sister of mine deserves such. I was also made to swear I would not tell her she was an aunt... I was told it would upset her. I really wish I could have told her... Claudia even said she wouldn't be allowed to attend the wedding either.I wanted her to be in said wedding... yeah obviously never happened. I hope she is well wherever she is. she is a walking proof miracles happen.

my brother... it hurts me that neither of them ever wish to know each-other or hold any interest in such. I would often try to get them to care but... she has enough half brothers to not be interested in having a brother(I am her only sister-well besides the one that is dead but that is besides the point as since she is dead... well... nobody living can ever meet and know her), but... I think they would get along rather well. chances are Alex would be all dorky and protective... probably would teach her money come to think of it(his obsession is saving money), and dezi would... well from what I know of her she would probably be sweet to it and he would grow on her and her on him... and I can also tell you that while my brother is so capable of leaving me be in bad times to stand alone when he is on the other side of the continent(or country-whichever word you prefer-it is both after all)... I know my brother in one respect. he met one ex on a trip down here and threatened him. now I look back and laugh... "your brother threatened me" well what did he expect? my brother was acting as a brother and informing him that hurting me had best not be on his agenda in any possible future... to me that is how brothers, fathers, even close male friends SHOULD be... while females can be strong... well... I dunno... maybe they shouldn't always have to be is what i think... should be a choice but unfortunately it isn't. Females were given more to deal with in life on many leaves than males... so... in this i have a double standard... not that I think women should just be weak but merely that I think the choice to lean on another(male or female) should not have such social evilness attached to it. stay at home moms get beef for not being professional women and "contributing to" the image of such being the norm, working women get beef because of various reasons connected to gender, but of course men who stay at home get "oh I wish my husband would do that" type reactions and men who work are simply accepted as such as "supposed to be".

women who sleep around are called sluts. women who don't get called prudes or "frigid"... their are several varieties of names for women on every angle and on the front of women we are all dubbed :too skinny" or "too fat" or "too normal" and the list goes on.... it is like cattle. the system plays favorites to fathers rather than mothers.... society does such as well... one outcry from one person and it is all favoritism because they are afraid to discriminate.

screw political correctness.

when a man abandons his family(or children) he should have no rights to it as he isn't a man. I have never denied my husband ability to see the kids or whatnot but neither do I think anyone else should have the say so to force him to be involved. he left of his own accord, refused begging and pleading that he be a father(even if he was a crappy husband)... that choice should be left up to me as after so long of him NOT being involved of his OWN CHOICE... in my eyes he only proved he was not one merit of a man... because I consider one who harms or leaves a child.

my husband made his life a cliche of a country song by choice. nobody made him do it and nobody "kept" him from seeing the kids. he is just a control freak who if he couldn't just "show up" any time of day(and yes the restraining order means plans do have to be made first and that he can't just show up and decide to force his way in to harm anyone or any such actions)... so he walked out entirely.

he was supposed to come last week to get some of his crap... he said he didn't want furniture and if anyone asks and has a need to see it(as my husband has a habit of lying-I am not the first female with a child he has claimed as his own and helped raise only to leave, he is a repeat offender and she also did not keep him away, he chose that path-actually I encouraged him to go see the child... he acted as his father for well over the amount of time the law requires-I even told him about something I read about how she could sue him for child support as he is the "psychological father" of her child... helped raise him for quite some time... not sure if I should point this out or not but if that is wrong oh well, I read it and if it is wrong... might wanna tell those who wrote it) I have that email saved.

as he said he didn't want anything else but such and such crap... while he has quite a bit of stuff... he doesn't have enough for a moving truck. so after I told him he needed to give me a time and tell me WHICH day that weekend(he is supposed to have an officer escort him to retrieve some stuff) and a general time so I could make sure I was here(I also told him I would even place the items outside and watch them to keep them safe-he is not entering my home as no matter who is with him... I cannot handle it at this time-I just got that feeling of safety back after what he did... his presence will make this single sanctuary more hell than at present time it sometimes serves as due to things of which I cannot speak-as I have been advised not to-I am honest... it is the choice of others to take it or leave it and even to ask for proof or not-actually many times the proof thing has a lot to do with religion... I can't stand it but... it is indeed better than those who assume for whatever reason-you ever been told that because Simeon else is of one faith and you of another that you automatically "must" be lying to them and trying to make them follow some evil dude... UG! it is disgraceful and annoying... but of course I apparently am not supposed to talk about that... it makes me "sound" bad... so if being honest makes you sound like a liar or crazy... how is this world ruled by goodness?). .....

If I was meant to be normal I would have been created normal. if normal it self was meant to exist, it wouldn't just be some vague term meaning what is SOCIALLY ACCEPTED but would have solid termages set in normalcy. so.... my difference harms none(not myself or anyone else), I have no condition where I see or hear anything not their(no psychosis), and other than the effect of recent hardships... even the records going back 2 years show I have been sane... even while pregnant(and your ALLOWED to go loony while pregnant-that was something that gave me chuckles-I admit it). so basically... even while pumped with hormones and all that fun stuff I was proven over a period of time to be pretty much normal. I find it insulting that my religion is seen as something they have rights to decide(even if only on paper-the fact that they wrote what was told differently was insulting, demeaning and yet another reason not to trust psychiatrists). I find it horrid that I am not even allowed a single amendment right... I have even been told many times my freedom of speech should be kept... not free. I am not supposed to talk about what they do wrong apparently... though the new site has said nothing to that effect which is good for them.

UG! now if you will excuse me... thinking about the past makes me feel icky... I need a shower.

In all honesty I do not talk about the past because I am holding on to it... I talk about it after I have dealt with it enough to in hopes someone will learn from it. my intent... is to help others take a clear look themselves... to not make the mistakes of myself and those my path has crossed with.

it also helps me take a look as well.

as for what comes ahead... doesn't matter what I believe religiously... a parent is a parent and nobody should have the right to waltz in and interfere where no harm is being done.

I would say such harm is against my religion... but then again when I say such I remember every person who has ever claimed something was against their religion and done it anyway... and besides that, I say it enough anyway. basically... hypocrisy is pretty common in our society and is generally something i stay away from(even those who do it..."with a fool no season spend lest ye be counted as his friend"-wiccan creed)... though it doesn't stop others from it. basically... I live as honestly as I possibly can and despise lying and being told I am supposed to do such. basically... I have been told not to be honest... which to me... is rather confusing as that is something.... I do not wish to show my children and wish they not do as well. how else should I teach them best but by example? that is the most blaring way kids learn...

why should I teach my children immoral behavior and act against my own path as I have been instructed to?

if something is wrong in the world, you say something. if you can't fix it, you hope someone else who can does.

isn't that how the world is supposed to work?

what is their to understand? the world is either as it should be or it isn't. pretty cut a dry to me.


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