Tuesday, February 14, 2012


due to the nature of my beliefs I have been searching for a way to make them fit, to.. try and put my trust in those who are supposed to help and keep my mouth shut.

you see, my silence is what is demanded and all that tells me is how bad they are being.

I do not understand the evil in humanity, only that one must exist for the other to be.

I do not understand jail, it makes me think of time out for adults.

I do not understand things the same WAY as others do but I do understand most things... the things that seem to matter to others. I do not understand this evil thing that has happened... I do not understand what is wished of me as the moment I full-fill what is asked I am asked more and more.

I do not understand why they have unrealistic expectation of even my facial expressions and I have never understood such. i do my best, even studied American sign language and books and people in general just to try and get a grasp on it. it made me better at reading people to some degree but... not schooling my own face.

for me their is no middle. their is and is not. for me when something is wrong it should be fixed. when it is wrong and is not fixed this causes confusion and torment for me.

these things cannot be taught away or cured.

for me, the moment it clicked that no abuse was acceptable was like the moment I decided to leave my ex before my husband... before my husband I accepted being hit and with my husband I planned to leave the first time he hurt me but was told to stay by someone I feared due to their standing in a single organization that to be honest, I am not mentioning here.

as for the rest of things in life, I understand them well enough. I do not understand society or what those who ask for one thing and show wish of another wish for... I assume those who are normal can easily sift through this, I cannot. It is confusing. these concepts were learned to begin with.

my abnormalities in understanding...  are nothing like what is insinuated. on that note, the only thing I lack, is the understanding of how to express it in a way that isn't unseemly or scolded about. I am either scolded for too much emotion or too little. I am scolded for saying things bluntly or dancing around them too much. I am scolded for saying too much and saying too little.

whatever is so different in me... it must be horrible because this has been used as an excuse to do something I can prove should never have happened.

I cook detailed and very involved meals, though not lately. I grew up cooking and can make recipes from scratch, I can cook, clean, even sew(and apparently not just the basics-to others at least). My only crime in life is not knowing where besides home this is applicable. I do not understand what someone expects when I speak to them, do not know what to say to avoid conflict with them, do not know these things. I know how to complete tasks and can function very well on my own and have spent years proving such.

like a child who is told so many things from so many directions and gets confused not knowing what to follow or believe... like a child who has been beaten or just not hugged and doesn't know what to do once their world has been shattered or never built as such...

when  I meet an adult human being... I do not know what to do.

I do not know how to come across with the message(meaning) I want or use body language for myself. I try and sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don't.

these are the things i do not understand. as for everything else... I understand it perfectly well. sometimes I understand it too well, well enough that saying how much I understand pisses people off because sometimes even the one saying something... doesn't want to admit what their actions show or what the thing itself means in as the cold and ugly truth. I do not understand why the truth is so bad. I can get the tiniest conception of it but... their is a difference in being taught the words and knowing, understanding something. most things I prefer to show, I talk much most days but... I do better showing.

showing someone I know what I am doing works much better than those social interactions.

I hope... someone understands what I am saying... I have been taught to speak and act a curtain way to such an extent... I am not sure if anyone will ever agree if I need meds or not. as of now I have a stack of evaluations saying they don't know. in two years most of these people have either refused to mention it, blamed it on me, or flat out said "need more time" to decide my fate... my families fate.

I either understand something or I don't. I am honest and at times people don't like that... and I hate silence.

this is me... these things combine with my ptsd to make my anxieties, yet I live with them.

my difference, my past trauma, my fears for things to repeat from that past.

those are the terms no one wants to hear... they are the most basic and "humanized" version of what I have devoid of fancy labels and such. doesn't everyone have something like this on some level?

what I do not understand the most... is how one human being can so treat another this way. I do not understand it and I dont' think I ever will. Why... why must I be made to feel I must understand something that is so foul I just want to get as far away from it as possible? To me... those who treat others so badly... with so little honor... while I deal with them, I always wonder how they can stand themselves... how they can take something so much like them and see it beat down or hurt another... their is a difference in understanding the feeling and making the connection in understanding the action connected to the feeling. I have never done it and if that is what I must do to understand it... if hurting another is what it takes to be human...can't I just be different...? even if I sound like a child or a naive fool I dont care. this world... is not as it should be.

in my own part at least I can prove this... but because of words said by another who made sure I knew the consequences of that... I can't even tell someone who may be able to help because I was told not even a judges opinion would matter. the core of the matter is that I have been made to know I have no choice. I have been shown I am unworthy of being human... and other than the fact i see everyone as different from each-other but similar... I am unable to truly comprehend the reason as what is said is not true so I have tried to figure out if their is something else... some meaning to this. so far... it is senseless. I have found nothing. this should never have happened.

and that is... the source of my turmoil.


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