Sunday, February 5, 2012

I can, and it is legal

I decided to write two blogs tonight.


Because I can, it's legal, I want to, and I am facing one hell of a day tomorrow.

I am walking into a situation having to do with a courtroom(apparently your not aloud to speak about court proceedings with those not family and not involved directly so sorry for anyone who wonders-can't tell ya-the law dictates that not me).

I get to NOT know a lick about court apparel and walk in. I assume pajamas's are not appropriate but all I can get out of my lawyer is not to dress like a slut. oh yeah... "just no mini skirts or slutty tops", because being the frumpy displaced housewife who doesn't get cloths very often cuz they and the material are expensive(and my cloths are fine... I think-never be too sure I suppose) I am I SO own something like that. NOT! I don't own a miniskirt... though i do own some short shorts I use in case a skirt fly's up in the wind. I DO have a couple of shirts that show a little cleavage...  but I suppose what I have NOT got is any clue how your supposed to dress for court.

I am wearing a paint stained shirt that was once a nightshirt(when I was a kid-then I grew... I take care of my cloths), a pair of jeans and of course the regular other stuff(just got back from getting a couple necessities from a store nearby too- didn't wanna go too far at this time of night on a day many idiots drink and drive so I only went to circle k and got enough to last till I have to go to the store tomorrow evening), anyway... I assume paint stains are not considered appropriate. the problem I suppose really is, I know what I SHOULDN'T wear to court but I have absolutely NO idea what your ARE supposed to wear to court, and thus, am kinda wondering  if I missed something I am NOT supposed to wear.

I prefer t-shirt and jeans... mini skirts are not even a consideration while I shop for cloths. so I am conservative... and i take care of my older cloths and only buy new ones if I can afford it... actually I would prefer to have mostly black cloths as I once did but... my body type changed after I had kids. *pouts* so I am stuck with cloths I don't really like most of. to me though, I don't even really like skirts... I just wear it cuz cloths are cloths to me. I joined "club style" in school cuz I enjoyed sewing and the like... not because I was a fashion geek, though I do design some pretty neat stuff... just... I prefer fashion on OTHER people, not me. my fashion is my own... but I must confess... I really don't have any idea on what court attire should be besides a pants suit and I don't own one of those. I don't even know that due to anyone telling me... I just observed. when I ask nobody tells me... so yeah, I am  just gonna hope I get it right.... hm... maybe a sweater with an undershirt and jeans... no, a skirt? UG! I hate skirts so I am biased in sitchuations I know traditionally are considered more skirt appropriate for females... and my one pair of dress pants itch. the material is atrocious... and I don't like the stripes anyway. I prefer plain or tasteful designs... so perhaps I do like fashion... I just prefer MY fashion to anyone Else's.

so... I am having trouble finding a job not the one I have as of now. OK, I must confess, with all my previous experience, the voice portion of being a phone sex operator makes me feel like a whore. I do however, write erotic stories that I haven't yet had published... I have no idea how to even go about that. talking about it... with all due respect I promised myself I wouldn't go back to anything like that when I managed to get away from the things my grandmother made me do. I was tarot reading but insufferable people don't like the truth and it is a struggle for me to not give it in full. the job I have as of now is pretty bad... your not allowed to hang up and I wasn't told "no taboo" until I was already working for their company. their are times I can tell you exactly why they hung up. their is no such thing as a person with "no taboos". everyone has them. Mine (over the phone, in person my husband used to call me a prude as do friends who know it by conversation about such... what odd conversations those are too-I swear they do it just to see me light up like a frigging Christmas tree-doesn't matter anyway about my physical taboos-I refuse to have sex anymore anyway-husband was the last straw for me) involve no rape, no children involvement(though I have done my best to do as I have been told by the company and pretend to be a kid when asked-not my strong suit at ALL as I go into flashbacks from my own experiences), and finally... other than playing pretend about my twin still being alive, I will not even think about incest... ICK! it makes me think of my brother and sister... which makes me wanna puke. I endured because I was left with the choice of them or me, that idea was held over my head... it is the last thing I wanna think of.

I am ashamed of my job. It makes me feel dirty and like a whore all over again. I didn't choose it the first time and had I had other options I would have not chosen it this time... at the very least this time it is not my body and is in some way shape or form a KIND of choice... though to me it really isn't much of one at all... but at least it isn't like before... a bright side. the glass is still half full as it were.

I don't get paid much at all... I will need another job to cover stuff next month. as it is, I have been avoiding logging in until I reach my "set" hours I set for myself... because I do need the money.

I am of course, shy and therefore... no matter how much I hide the stuttering by holding my breath or using the "um" and "uh" and the *hold breath until not going to stutter*... pft, I was in parli pro, though I wasn't the best and never actually made it on the acting team itself... I do think quick on my feet and I DO know how to avoid basic shyness issues in public speaking... ug! I was an officer in my chapter ffa. we HAD to get over that a bit... so yeah, the ironiy is I can get on a stage and SING but seeking leaves me terrified... actually so does singing but I enjoy that so I just get "lost" in the song for lack of a better word.

I am willing to work obscene hours, and do the job I am asked to do without complaints(well I have plenty in my journal but that is because a diary is the place you put that stuff)... the only "taboo" I have for a work place is while I don't mind JOKING about stuff with coworkers after awhile or listening to them joke about it... to me, sex and touching need to be NOT part of my job or the things even remotely said to be considered what is expected of me. basically... I draw the line at sexual harassment.

I don't care if I am considered a prude, or "too shy" or whatever. I am not interested in dating or sex... well I laugh at sex in anime... "high school of the dead" is kinda disturbing but after watching so many zombie movies it is enjoyable. when they do the stuff where clothing is inadequate and you KNOW they are implying the girls are horny... or the guys are anyway... I laugh. I think it is absolutely hilarious. this fascination with the human body in general is funny... the sound effects... nothing against the artists and creators... my sense of humor is just plain odd. it isn't funny in real life so much... but I laugh at some of those movies and books... you know, before they cut out(or not in some book*cough*), they have this outlandish thing where everything goes smoothly... yeah, two people drop on the bed with LONG hair that by then would be a messy bundle of "OMG OWE" and nothing gets pulled. This is where I laugh... my sense of humor is just... different.

So I write dirty stories and read dirty stories... actually has some that make these erotica sites look like they are cleanly done by amateurs.

In my defense as a "decent" woman, I don't typically look for anything of the sort, but when it does show up... I am not afraid to read it. tells a lot about the writer too. I write it into my stories(not smut-and no, not posted... they are not fanfiction) because I feel it pulls you more into the story. so... in real life people can't throw fireballs or  fly or any of that... and when two people have sex it doesn't fade out... so...? when I imagine my stories, which I try to make as "realistic" within fantasy as possible(as much like real people but add in the "supernatural" stuff... which BTW it should be noted I consider an exaggeration of things I really do believe in-just add some imagination and a trip to the other side of the veil between the two and BAM!-I got myself a story where my imagination runs away from me, only the basics start off with any backing.. the rest is all imagination-which makes it annoying when ppl assume real is imaginary... or imaginary is real, I kinda label what I am talking about when it is fantasy...-_-)

Anyway, yeah, I can post twice and it is legal.

What I do in recreation or for work has no barring on anything to do with anything and should have no place in tomorrows issues. When I have the opportunity, I will find another way to provide for my family.

I must confess, while I am shamed of the job itself, I am NOT ashamed to say I do what I must do and am NOT ashamed to say I do what is necessary for me and my family. That is the positive light of this... so yeah, I ended up working a job that is everything I hate(and I will do some pretty screwed up and nasty jobs without any complaints), but I am doing it because I am doing what is necessary. as for why i transferred within the same company? Because I didn't have much of a choice at the time...

I set it for myself to give myself structure... something to rely on when everything is crashing down.

other than that... I am running low bodily on calcium and though I have never been able to figure out why, this means I bruise with barely being touched... so even though I am going to have a massive stomach ache for a couple of hours... tonight's diner and desert involve cheese and ice cream. my fault for letting it go this long anyway. *shrugs* I like ice-cream anyway... I  cheat and eat it very rarely. I need the effects of this kind of ice-cream anyway... my ultimate anti anxiety as it were... and I am completely and totally terrified and stressed to my limit.

anyway, their you go... probably the worst you could ever find out about me too. the funniest thing is I can list everything I ever did wrong my entire life.. including framing my brother for stealing a cookie when we were very little... I felt bad even then but mama was scary when mad and I wanted that cookie! I was about 3 or 4(it was not long before my dad died either)... and we hadn't covered stealing or anything yet so... I didn't really know except that I felt guilty my brother got in trouble instead of me. over the years my brother may have forgotten what started our stupid childhood feud but I never did. it was all that cookie incident. it is stupid... but I never told him i was sorry so I still feel bad about it. again, stupid.

see? I am lame. most adults can't even remember that kinda stuff... but I didn't do it again that was for sure... I was a little kid. Now I am an adult who knows not to do that... so I don't steal... ever.

My husband, who has been fired for stealing more than once, has a job now so what is so wrong with me that they have this anti hiring thing?!

someone at a GAMESTOP pulled this on me. well this is one gamer who won't be going their. I stood behind this guy(not the gamestop really close, the one at the mall at spectrum), was speaking to someone in front of me about interviews and how he would call him for one... then I go up and he suddenly isn't hiring. I tried to convey i knew.... but in the end I just decided it wasn't worth it. I have turned in application to place i knew didn't want to hire me after interactions like that and found it pointless in anything but being spiteful and annoying. store after store in that place told me they would only hire those who spoke FLUENT Spanish. one looked possible but... only cuz the manager was being nice about it. life is life ont hat one and he was very up front in explaining it. the fact that he seemed to want to but was kinda tied up with the need for someone who did... was good I suppose. the rest of them were pretty mean about it, most of them had no real need for another employee who spoke it as they already had plenty who did... that I am learning Spanish had no baring... and if I never apply it in a such a setting I will never become truly fluent in it anyway.  I am of course nowhere NEAR fluent... but that touches a rough spot for me.

that goes against some odd policy effecting hiring and crap but... it wouldn't be the first time.

oi... so yeah, I dont' speak Spanish and wonder if I should fix up my appearance to be more "socially exceptionable" and all that jazz... because apparently my work ethic has absolutely no bearing on hirabilty.

some lazy person who looks like they go to the salon and has fashion sense gets hired over me... makes me wonder if I have to fricking pluck my eyebrows to get a fricking job... since when did that have anything to do with work? you do the job, you don't complain, you move on with your day. How is that so hard?


My work ethic is good... I do what I am supposed to and am organized, CLEAN, and otherwise qualified so I keep on fricking wondering why I keep on running into such bull!

anyway, I gotta go... I should probably make sure I have everything for tomorrow before I have to prepare myself(mentally) for my job.

anyway... have a nice time after Superbowl, drive safe, and be blessed. ^^


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