Sunday, February 26, 2012


I have a job interview on Monday.

I hope I get it... I will work hard and do my best if I do.

I have been told do dress in puzzling ways...... make up, nail polish, heals(actually they are boots and were my idea but they said as long as the boots were nice.... hey they are practical, not something you usually fin in heals of any kind), my black jeans are supposed to be OK... and as long as I wear an undershirt my purple shirt is supposed to be nice enough(that was my stipulation as without any undershirt my bra is visible.... no way in hell is that acceptable to me).

The cosmetic instructions are what puzzle me. Why make my hair look bigger and more poofy if that isn't acceptable for the job itself? Why pain my nails if gloves would be needed over the nail polish if I got the job? the nail polish isn't something anyone wants chipping into their food.

I have also been told before to dress ready to work... but how is poofy hair and nail polish or even make up anything but possible things to end up being hazards?

I just noticed too... my old food handlers card is out of date.

the above is a link to a resource for such. from the looks of it I would have to go after the interview... and I would have to sell some stuff to get the money for it... they made it more expensive than last time.

hm... I could also get serve safe certified too.... I still have my old serve safe book and most of it is common sense to me.... as long as I brush up it should be easy....  not as easy as the food handlers test but as far as I know it isn't supposed to be as easy... it shows advanced knowledge rather than basic.... I wonder if that would be OK with them.

I don't really know what exactly they are hiring for.... but... I will work hard whatever it is and being certified will just make it less of a struggle to do my job to optimum efficiency. I never went to get my serve safe cuz it was more expensive... but I have had my food handlers. I had to for my waitressing job those years back. it was probably stupid of me to not look at the date.... or make note of how often it should be renewed... but I will have to retake that test... hm... will have to re touch on the material even if only for peace of mind.

Even if it doesn't make much sense, I will wear what I was told to... I do not want to send a message that I do not want the job after all. I hope I get it.

I bet someone out their is snickering at my seriousness. The job is at a fast food restaurant... I won't say where but I will say on Monday. The hiring manager seems nice as well. OMG... what if she reads this and thinks I am trying to butter her up? omg.... OK, clam and deep breath... gosh I am so nervous.

on a side note I wore my outfit on Friday as instructed... had to wash it today but on Friday I took it out of the laundry basket as they asked to see it(and yes they knew it was coming out of the laundry basket), and the entire time I could smell how much I stunk and was thinking " oh my goodness I bet I can be smelt across the room!"

Their was this seat on the bus I wouldn't sit because the pole that ran down the middle... I am short and my knees are still sore from being swollen a bit... so that would be a bad spot for me as my fat ass would have to deal with my knees being pressed against the bar. when I agreed to sit in a seat that was offered by a man I was so self concious about it... the ladies on eather sides of those seats had been previously chatting nicely... then they were completely quiet. "OMG! they must think I am racist!" they were black ladies.... and I am well... not. now I was uncomfortable sitting close to anyone but I didn't jump up because I didn't want to seem rude anymore than I already had(well in speculation as I really have no idea what was going through their heads beyond my own self consciousness-I am used to being around racists-I hold the same belief their as with religion that as long as you don't hurt anyone I don't care what you believe, they just learn not to project that belief on me and we are good, what good would it be for me to discriminate on them for beliefs even if I don't agree?- and those who assume you are one... to the degree when my brother JOKED about it I about jumped down his throat-to joke about it isn't funny in any respect, especially since at the time I was pregnant and while my brother was trying to cheer me up with odd statements... my son is part Indian in blood and my brother joking about such things regarding the one who raped me... wasn't funny as my son is an innocent child and well... lets just say while his intent was to crack a joke to cheer me up a bit and make me laugh... I had enough anxieties regarding enough things with our blood family that... that one was anything but funny-if he ever becomes one I do NOT want to know-on the phone about it-not funny especially with the double standards society generally has on the subject-basically most forget that the person who is colored who refuses to sit by the person who is white for the same reasons that would make a white person classified as prejudiced... are also the same, merely more socially accepted as such). needless to say it wasn't funny... though I am pretty sure I said it. eventually I just ended up standing and hoping that nobody could smell those awful dirty things... I hope it was just my sense of smell... they say when you can smell yourself it is bad... but I start to be able to smell myself pretty quickly... so... does that mean I always stink?

my brain is a scary and very complicated place... full of self consciousness and all that fun stuff.

like anybody else I do care what others think... just for different reasons than most.

I care... more because I don't like it when people are uncomfortable... though when someone deserves it or I have to... I am able to... I just don't like to so when I don't have to... I fret about the stuff others don't. It doesn't help that when I was a kid I made the mistake of letting the kids in school hear my heritage(mutt) from my mouth... I was proud of it. in that list was "German"... Scottish, English, supposedly a tiny drop of Jewish blood in their(not like it shows)... Irish... Swedish... the list is pretty long. my mom had told me both sides of our family(well she told me what she knew of my dad and what she knew of hers) and I didn't know the social backlash, I was just proud to know it. I was in kindergarten... I didn't know English and German(the German mostly) were considered things the other kids would put me down for... anything I did in school was bad to them because of it... they called me "Nazi" and put me down for being white... not all the kids did but enough of them did where one day I went home and told my mom "mommy, why didn't you make me like them?" I hated being made fun of... so yeah, as society generally accepts that kind of behavior(the teacher never got on their cases much either) I grew up with that kind of thing... it does the same thing to little white kids as it does to the "travesty" that is when little black kids try to bleach their color away. personally I think focusing on being sensitive to only one group is stupid as now that I am older I accept that everyone bleeds and feels emotions and is human.

as for why I dye my hair, it isn't connected to that. my hair is a color light enough that many consider it blond and some say it is brown, I dye it because not only do my eyebrows not match it(I have no idea why but generally they never have-got made fun of for that too) but my face is shaped in what apparently makes me look young... most people don't take me seriously at first glance and I have been asked many occasions... "what school do you go to". now I am just fine the way I am... it took a long time but I am... I just dont' like others assuming I am THAT much younger. perhaps I will like it later in life.... but for now it is just plain annoying. I need to be taken seriously. I am... omg... I just realized my birthday is next month.... I hate my birthday. nothing good ever happens on it or around it. the month of march has never been my month. my "sweet sixteen" I got raped and besides family friends I wasn't allowed to have anybody over(anything at all was a blessing though as my birthdays were generally not celebrated events-that woman always made sure I knew she thought I should never have been born... if i hadn't been born she though my mother would have continued to live how she wanted her too... it was my fault my mother stopped skating... my fault my mother fell in love... my fault... so the day of my birth has never been a huge deal for any form of celebration, merely an obligation on sparse tradition-though two years ago my husband made me a cake... the year after he forgot it all together and about kicked himself for not remembering... the year before both I was dating an asshole who, guess what? left to go celebrate it with his mother and left me alone... and their we have it-I will not be dating again, one was a dick and the other was a dick after we got married). basically... my birthday generally has a very bad history. nobody really cares about it so... chances are I will just hope I find a job that won't mind if I work on my birthday. better than most birthdays I have ever had... except one.

my grandparents had canceled my birthday completely one year... so this family I frequently was over their house at(I rode the church van, went to choir, and Sunday school-their family drove the van and most had permission to stay over a couple hours if they went to choir-so while much happened in bad in that church... some people were nice and that will never be forgotten either). I walked in and thought the balloons were for a girl who was friends with her girls... her birthday was the day before. I was actually about to walk out back and mope and wonder why I wasn't loved and had to be such a "cursed child" as I was told... but they all yelled surprise. once my heart climbed down from my chest and I finally realized really what was happening... not even a beating from the worst imaginings or the most horrifying person ever could have wiped that grin from my face. that was the first time I had felt such happiness... in longer than I care to think of. not even when my brother had visited had I smiled like that... I don't even think I did it often before mom died... but... I hadn't smiled like that since before she died. I remember... when papa was around... I smiled like that. now my kids are the only ones who can make me smile like that but... it is a good memory... that day was shadowed only by the fact I knew at least one of those girls would rather choke on a toad than be anywhere with me smiling... it was shadowed by the fact it would have to end... but I can honestly say that for once in my life... since my mom died, I smiled so much my face hurt but I was so happy it didn't matter.

I have a picture and I used to look at others... they always make me wonder... how that smile ever fooled anyone because from where I sit... it was obvious. after that though... I think some began to realize... just how many of my smiles were fake. I wasn't happy. the world sucked. I went through hell and blamed myself for death and pain that I can honestly say I have no idea how I could have stopped... and my entire life was shadowed by those who wanted to medicate me so i smiled so they wouldn't say I was "depressed" when in reality... I simply had no reason to smile. I managed small smiles that were not fake of smiles that were half real... to this day when I am nervous I smile just out of habit. I am good at smiling when I don't want to.

that one day... I even forgot to dread going home. it may not have been for very long... but i did. I even forgot the mean face the choir instructor made at me at times... or... well... I was just happy.

this year... their is only one thing that could possibly make my birthday happy... and I know it will not be possible so... I will just find something to focus on and throw myself into it... like every other day.

I have said before my life is hell right now... nobody needs to know why or how but it isn't hard to guess. the only thing that would make me smile like that is my kids... and that isn't going to happen so... their you have it.

I hate march.... if something monumental and bad is going to happen... it always happens in march... if it doesn't... still more crap happens in march.

that scars me. their isn't much more that possibly could happen at this point.

I will just keep doing my best and hope it will be enough... because obviously my best isn't good enough for... just for those I am dealing with right now.

excuse me... thinking of those things made me cry... I cannot think of happy times right now, all they do... it remind me just how bad the present is.  not hard to avoid those times anyway. they were not... common for me... home was never a happy place with my grandparents. one might even say that if home is where your heart is... my heart simply received too many bruises to attach to the place I received them.

I hid them, didn't want anyone to know, even was made to believe I deserved it... I had my mothers face.

I wonder if my grandmother ever realized who's face my mother had.

I know what abuse is... I didn't know then many times as I had simply been used to it... desensitized to it.

I have not gone to get the restraining order altered yet... my first priority is getting into classes of the sort I as told to... apparently they are supposed to help me break the cycle... regardless that had nobody interfered I would have left much sooner than I did. if I had done so... maybe I would never have had to get between him and my little boy.... who knows. regrets are useless things... but yet everyone has them. all people can really do is live with as few as possible.

if those here will please excuse me...

I need to go.


PS: that is what happens when i am near a keyboard and my brain goes down memory lane-not the brightest and most cheerful place I have ever been lol?). I will be 23... so yeah, I suppose I am young... just not as young as people generally assume. while this may be a blessing later on in life... at one point I had to explain I had "graduated" and then was asked what high school I went to... that was when I decided the hair needed dyed. when your about 4 months pregnant, 20 years old, and being mistaken for a grade-school-er(this had happened before too)... it is time for a change. So yeah... I said about all hat more because some people also assume it is because of race stuff. I was asked by a psychiatrist if I was dying my hair because I was ashamed to be white.... personally I think he just had an issue with me "dying that pretty blond hair black"... ug.... you would think that would be my decision and not his... gawd.... one of these days i will stop explaining so damn much. oh crap... the reminds me... I gotta practice not rambling nervously in the interview... oh crap! wait... what if I get so nervous i start speaking in japense... omg, what if I start speaking Spanish... omg... what if I can't speak and start going into ASL... because the language stuff happens to me... omg! what if I end up able to make sound but not able to form coherent speech? shit... because I am just one of those people who worries about that stuff.

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