Thursday, March 29, 2012


I am going to delete many posts before this... well not delete but make unavailable...

same thing for anyone not me.

I honestly might just start over... going to include my vids and language using attempts... and my copy write stuff in the stuff that is kept... I have been trying to give such some thought lately... what is good for blogging and what is not...

On the bright side I wasn't actually late last time I thought I was late to something. I was early. It is a trick I use to help me stay on time even when I become overly used to a routine. Basically... I keep telling myself that it is earlier and when tired of emotionally distressed... I don't think about it and my first reaction is to go with the earlier time... I am typically more concious of it... so that bodes just how upset I was... but yeah... lame but it is what it is.

Nothing short of EVERYTHING going wrong possible can make me either not be one time or be late... which is what happened with my walmart interview... everything went wrong and I was sick, previously injured... and kinda lightheaded.

anyway, will delete in a couple of hours. for now I need to go "lick my wounds" so to speak... moving hurts... walked a bit today... and I got burned by the sun... and I was already sick... and.... yeah.


bye bye!


If I still have internet later I will keep looking to see if anything should be taken out.  I am doing my best to try and see when too much or such is posted... wish me luck with that.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012


Gomen nasia minasan.

sazo burookunhaato.

burookunhaato hekotareru


koyonakuaisuru wagako

enishi abijigoku




eimin hoshigaru

akirametsuku enmei

inakunaru genson

onegaidekimasuka ai mimamoru itooshii kichou wagako


Japanese, non kanji(probably really badly done-sorry)

Saturday, March 24, 2012


"The struggle of life becomes most obvious before the will to do so leaves"

remember that.


Wednesday, March 21, 2012


Not everything goes into this blog. Their is much that will never be said here or even in my online diary... maybe someday in my written one.

I walked from around 9 miles between last night and today........ I even applied at the place I was suggested to apply at. Turned out to be a couple of factories. If I am willing to do insane walks that have my legs bruised and my body in a helluva lot of pain more than usual... why wouldn't I be willing to work hard in a factory or whatnot? *honest logic*

Had my interview at Starbucks this afternoon... won't know if I got it for another week... I hope I did.

I also hope I got the walmart one... but I honestly am not holding my breath. Just because you want something doesn't mean you get it. It just means you WANT to get it.

I need to log on tonight... for my tarot reading.

I am about to lose everything... so... if I don't post for awhile... wish me luck.


Monday, March 19, 2012


I have been studying my math... but am still not at the level to be in the class I am in. I started from scratch. funniest part... doing math in my head on a basic level comes naturally to me(though I am not quick about it)... and I never paid it any mind... just kinda took it as being able to suddenly do simple stuff I do know in my head.

on medication even 2+2=4 was written down because my brain couldn't process it.

I am good on my addition, subtraction... and I can do basic multiplication and division(very basic on division, I still dumb it down in my head and use visuals)... basically I can apply it to life but am useless in a classroom for it.

-.- So I have been learning fractions and now have a solid understanding of decimals(besides money)... lets just say I am nowhere near being able to comprehend the question "what is the square root of pie" let alone anything else... hell I just learned my fractions! I couldn't retain anything on medication... but math was the worst because it requires me to place all of my attention on it and have a sharp mind... dull witted on medications...... I didn't get it. I couldn't get it. it was frustrating.

 My spanish is going good too... I kinda have an idea of some things I see written thus... not enough to do anything important without being able to look it up... but I am rather proud of myself.

I haven't gotten in any actual art classes yet so... all of my stuff is pretty raw... and the "digital bookshelf" is down so much that it is pretty much useless.... but I have this old math book..... and I have been looking stuff up online... so I hope to get better at it. even if I never need it... because at one point I couldn't I wanna do it because I can. ^-^ I wanna know what it is like to solve a detailed math problem and not get confused when people talk about math. I am over the "omg! this was caused by the medications too?!" and have gone straight to "this is so cool!" now I just have to figure out how to learn. I think I saw this guy on YouTube who was teaching it.... I might go their and try his system for it... better to be bored than not know at all.



pain is not something I like.

when faced with something that may make me break down in tears I have to harden myself and focus on another emotion... this doesn't always bode well... o such subjects that make me face lies head on like you woudl the truth... considering the bullshit and lies I had to put up with(my grandfather is also a grade a full of shit carton of crap most days-at least where regarding me-I shouldn't have to check and cross reference what family tells me)... I can't stand lies and honestly don't know what to do when forced to.

I also do not deal with others emotional distress the same way. I am the type of person who cries with the one who has had loss but not at the same time or in the same room. I go do so later when I am alone. in person I come off a bit...different.

their exist no right words when someone has lost something so precious as a loved one, be they adult or child... born or unborn... so... their are no right words. you can only be their in any way you can and let them know it. sometimes people need a reminder you are their... but their are no right words, only right actions. the words are only a comfort to you... it is the actions that speak louder... the words do however, let them know and remind them you care and later on if said with sincerity and combined with actions will be remembered in their hearts... too many people give empty words in condolences.

I may have come across as course... but... I truly simply wish to just let her know I am their for her.


On another note, I have two job interviews.... not just one. walmart and Starbucks. ^-^

I was about to excitedly post when I found out. I wish she didn't have to feel that pain... but I will not be stopped from being happy about this. it is simply put... which emotion I decide to focus on that matters. I have to focus on the excitedness. I can deal with my empathic nature on my "own" time... though it is a bit too strong to hide completely.

stupid thing. I asked an old friend how to handle getting over my husband-BC he got over some girl he dated and truly loved(to the point he stalked her and kept tabs on her-I would never date him-but he does that to everyone he knows in some form-usually not personally, just asks around and compiles info on you... personally I think he shoudl work for the FBI... they stalk people legally... so... but he did pretty much destroy himself over that break up so I asked him how)... the........ that... GAH! that ********** told me I am too compassionate and too nice. I need to learn how to be uncaring... when I disconnected myself it was too little caring, when I can't it is too much. Is their some middle ground I don't know about? you either care or your don't. besides... I don't think I can ever hate anyone I once loved so deeply. I still can't even hate my grandmother and she did many things to me. I do still love my husband and things kinda still hurt a bit... but they call it healing for a reason. it still hurts and is a deep wound in my heart. however... "love stretched too far breaks"--------- the more times you hurt someone or push too far, the more you stretch their love, and it doesn't make it stronger. eventually that love breaks. I will never hate him... and lingering feelings do remain... however i suspect the lingering feelings have something to do with the fact we have children.

I don't think you can hate someone you once loved or do love... but I could be wrong. I have never been able to hold on to hateful feelings anyway.

happy things... job interviews! so.. business casual.... black but nice jeans(also durable for hard work XP)... hm.... gotta do some laundry tonight and make sure I have proper attire clean.

life has both sadness and happiness in it. even where no reason exists to smile and laugh one must find one or like a flower with no sunlight... the heart wilts and dies... however unlike the body a heart is like a phoenix... it can be brought back to life. it is simply just never the same.

I hope I get those jobs. actually if all goes well... I might end up with both of them... I am focusing on the optimistic side... usually I am a realist and am neither a pessimist or an optimist... but just looking at facts and such... hell, my budget it itemized, organized, categorized... I am logical. I am typically a realist... but today I choose to be an optimist. worst case I get neither job... and even one can be categorized as "best case"... but... I choose to say "what if I get both jobs?" because to me... that would be awesome!

yeah... the thought gives me warm fuzzies... so yay! ^-^ today I am an optimist because I choose to be. realism can kiss my over-sized buttocks! reality sucks... give me optimism! nobody can be all logic all the time........ and it is definitely a pleasant thought process.



JOB INTERVIEW!!!!!! *excited*