Thursday, February 2, 2012


I have been up all night. I did some studying, finished my homework for now(and turned some stuff in), have been working on a vid I am animating, and am trying to figure out how the fricking fudgsickles I am supposed to convert a "flash" movie into something compatible with ANYTHING so I can upload and share it.

Oi... the animation itself is pretty armature I am sure, especially since this is my first flash vid(I was using "paint" for my old stuff), I am sure it will be much better than the stuff I have done... hopefully.

UG! In a couple hours I gotta go job searching again.

Several places last time flat out told me only FLUENT Spanish speakers were welcome. I gotta admit, while I can kinda get the gist... I am in no way fluent... yet. I am working on too much at once at this point and in all honesty... I try not to do my language studies on days like this... when I am about to drop from exhaustion at the beginning of the day.

Serves me right... I got caught up in my art.... again. I also do that with writing and pretty much anything I immerse myself in. This would be why if I am able to get a job(beyond the phone one, which I desperately need-ironically I am also sick... yes, I know I should be asleep but you know-present situation makes the nightmares worse... I even caught myself animating a part of a nightmare without thinking about it! I certainly have enough of them-especially nowadays). anyway, this would be one reason why when FINALLY find something else that perhaps may pay the bills(I don't mind a minimum wage jobs-I am just needing a job and will work hard-I am a hard worker), anyway, that's why I would have to have them not sneak up on me. if I am too scared to get immersed in my job, I won't DO as good a job as I can do. the fact of the matter is, I am not scared of my memories... I am scared of the effect on the work I do... I may also be a teensy bit skittish in general. You would be too. *sigh* Nobody should be touching you in a work place anyway, so their shouldn't be any problems. No touchy! -_-.............. I reserve the right to not have to live every waking moment in my past and all I need form anyone is to remember the basics. 1-no surprising me(though accidents are fine and forgivable, not generally easy to do unless I am very involved in what I am doing, then exceptions apply at times-still rare).... 2-Do not touch me. No hugs. Hand shakes are OK, but otherwise no. I don't know you, your not one of my kids, and to be honest... I have no desire to face that part of my problem as of yet. It happens every single frigging time! I am damn ashamed I can even say that. oh hell... I had one friend that didn't even notice I went rigid when she tried to touch me. Not the first time I have been raped... but the more stress(non work related, that isn't as stressful to me anyway... dif kind of stress I guess) and crap I must deal with... the longer I am going to put it in the back to deal with later(first dealing with priority issues), and then dealing with that later, because when it boils down to it... being raped is never easy to deal with. Least of all dealing with it having been someone you trusted very much and therefore allowed them near you at your weakest and most vulnerable. Your supposed to be able to trust your spouse... yet my trust seems it was misplaced. I stayed with him even though he was progressively getting worse and more violent in those actions(though the act itself is still violent), but... I didn't leave until I realized their was no use, no reason. this isn't life growing up as a kid... I wasn't powerless to leave. I also realized, their was no point staying for the kids... I decided finally to go through with leaving after I had to get between my son and my husbands hand... you do the math. Nobody touches my kids. I am not talking touch the same way I previously stated for myself. I am talking about my son who was a year and a half at the time, and was about to be smacked very hard by a full grown man. This hit, knocked me, a full grown woman, more than a little bit away from where I was, and by no means was I still standing afterwards.

He apologized after, but lets just say I heard it all before.

I am not currently afforded the mental "spare" energy, if you will, to deal with it the way I truly need to. I am dealing with too much already... things will have to change and get better before I can let myself the time and energy to do so. My life is too much in the way of "hell" as of current to afford myself dealing with a past hell.

It is however... being raped by someone you trusted enough to do a hand-fasting that was supposed to last longer than life and have you meeting in the next(any pagans who read should understand), is a new experience for me. I have been assaulted by people I should have trusted or people who had already lost trust(I don't go out and get raped every day but I grew UP with this... I didn't grow up in the best of ways, the last person to do so had already lost my trust... so I am thankful it didn't happen before then-it hits harder when you trust them). anyway... point is... on top of this I am sick(not too sick to work and I won't be giving anything to anyone), in pain, and to be honest... I may be forced to stay home today because while I have no job outside as of current... it may be better to take care of this fever(if I really had to I would work with a mask on, but as it stands... well you probably get the idea-my health isn't good enough to go for what could be a waist of time, such as standing in line for a job app and listening to them talking a different story to someone else but to you they have no job or simply "just hired someone- etc... i am not stupid, my hearing is quite good as is my memory... which is the problem with my memory, it is too good-I don't want to only have so many memories of such bad deeds people do-but neither will I live in fantasy land-for me to see good in people, they must show me-I used to see it without needing to be shown... but too many times was I hurt by those who were supposed to protect or keep me safe, or be trusted... or who were just some stranger I never knew-fact is, I have seen too much of the bad to think of humanity as purely good... in fact-I am more surprised when someone is nice than when someone betrays or hurts me- hence why the things that I need time to deal with that govern my ability to handle human touch and whatnot-my kids are an acception- are not priority-getting in a better situation so I can handle it and get my life back together with my family-comes first, otherwise I will end up destroying myself or just making it worse-I know myself all too well, you can only handle so much at once- good thing I can file it away).

Anyway, I gotta go. I am gonna go lay down and hope I get up when my alarm goes off in 20 minutes because in all honesty... if i don't, the power will be off by 6:00 am... I am able to get it back between curtain hours but... my situation is just that bad.

funniest thing. all these people who "know" me swear my kids are my world, that I help people where I can, and that I am otherwise a very good person... yet where are those people when I need them? I have helped each and every one of them when they were in their own time of need... so where are they now?

I am a wiccan, I am not allowed to hurt anyone... and some may see this blatant display of negative emotions as a flux in practice(I don't know, the only coven I ever participated in was loose-not official in most ense, and to be honest... this wasn't "covered" besides, I am a solitaire... now also because of something else too. not something I did mind you, so don't go drawing conclusions. I left.

anyway... yeah, laters.

I don't have very long and I am pretty sure my health would catch up with me either way at this point... it doesn't help that I have yet another event in a few days... oh joy(sarcasm). I hate how evil people can be. I have already been informed how this will go... because the truth doesn't matter to someone it should matter to, that was the general gist I was given. the truth won't matter because the title and standing of the other matter more so "yay"... ug... gotta go now... seriously...

maybe I will figure out the coding thing tonight and be able to post the vid...


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