Sunday, January 29, 2012

empower, school issues, automatic writing-mind oriented excersises

I have empower. work won't be giving a pay check in time(chances are it won't be enough either especially as I barely started), and my school has been dodging calls and giving me beef about the "cost of living" portion they say I qualify for.

I go to school at home, Use the computer here, etc etc, and beyond that, the fasfa site clearly states this is valid use of it in what I asked for.

My calls were not returned, and when I finally got a hold of my financial aid adviser, she gave me some delayed junk. I would be more entitled to believe her if she returned her calls in the time her message says she is to do so.

Their is a possibility she called me that same day, but it could have also been my admissions representative as the person I got a hold of was under such impression that it was.

And yeah, they know I record my calls. They record theirs as well too. "this call will be recorded" she said. oh no shit "this call may be recorded" is said on the answering thingy when you call in, due to this clause I assume it is recorded regardless. my calls "may" also be(they are) recorded.  and yeah, everyone is all notified about it. not a secret. if I am recording the person knows I am recording, in fact I make sure just as evidence they are told, at times that is PART of the recording, me telling them and them responding.

oh joy... do I really seem so stupid?

Anyway, I have been told their is no reason I shouldn't get it. in the mean time I have to hope I can survive till then. the rest of our interaction will have to be via e mail. The person  at the phones told me boht of them had already left.

oh yeah, and apparently being a different religion entitles a psychiatrist to take the attitude of "she is christian, but has no church" this same doc "documented" my reactions to him trying to make me detail every assault on and every trauma on my person as well as keep insisting my youngest was a product of rape as my oldest. this is after he lied to me about giving me something to help with anxiety. the insinuation is made that I only THINK I am wiccan and not christian is a bit of a pet peeve for me. apparently he isn't the only doc who "decided" they knew more about my spirituality than me. these notes leave much to be desired in speaking about the character of more than one doctor. my last one doesn't take either stance and calls it "magical thinking" and after an hour and a half, refuses to decide anything. her "evaluation" is useless accept in saying she is incompetent or just plain unwilling to say anything either way. my lawyer insinuates the later. isn't that just grand? apparently I need to be easier to "figure out". the way I see it, if you can't slat out say I am crazy after an hour and a half(and by the first ten minutes you could tell, especially with how nervous those places make me). If at my worst you can't say I am anything, then for goodness sakes you shouldn't be in this profession! UG! Of course the lost the previous one so I only have one of the two taken at my new place.

this last one makes no reference to religion and calls it "magical thinking"...  and people wonder why I hate the system. I had a loose coven for awhile... mostly I keep away from  that. I still have no overcome my fear of watching them die(my father was killed for being pagan-I witnessed many deeds I should not of had to- religious killings of those who were pagan by those who were not). suffice to say, I have a deep seeded fear of having to watch others die as well. As a soldier comes home and often sees their past replayed but knows since it happened over seas... it can't happen here, I have no such comfort. this happened on American soil. I am still getting past these fears. Any coven I join will be one that can defend and is willing to defend  if attacked.  be it religious killing or just some opportunist, I have no desire to lose anyone else. I want a peaceful life filled with my children's laughter and growing... and with as little negativity as possible. My deepest wish.

If I had my way, I would have left the system long ago. they have done nothing in the way of helping me and being in it causes problems. having a diagnosis causes problems. PTSD and Anxiety are apparently grounds for the uneducated to call you crazy. when you have a diagnosis, other uneducated individuals will automatically fall with that one. let me educate you. PTSD, is the result of trauma. specifically COMPLEX PTSD simply means more than one trauma occurred over the years. I was told in counseling mine is the later variety. For me, this means I "space" many times which means I am having a flashback, a memory I freeze in real life with. now at home or in a place I am comfortable in, I am able to function while in a flashback(minus conversation-sorry, but things like dishes and cleaning- basically anything but taking), if I talk during these(because when I really wish to I can) it is about what is in my mind, meaning-nobody wants to hear it, trust me. the past is not great and I have no desire for it to be repeated in the future, and if some uneducated asshole thinks having a bad past that wasn't in my control and was actions done to me by others dooms me to repeat what the others did, they need to get a clue. I have already deviated. my mother would have chosen her husband over her children, and many times... she did. I chose my children. it wasn't a choice I was happy to have to make but that in of itself should be enough to show  I am not like my mother. My mothers faults are not mine. she was a very kind person with a big heart, but she was oblivious and lived her life in denial at many points. I do not share this fault. my faults are many but that isn't one of them. I accept my faults as part of myself and sometimes I tweak them to be less however, one should realize the concept of ying and yang, when you fix one thing another becomes more. everyone has faults, and fixing them requires deep knowledge of yourself and is slow in your deepest self, because if it isn't, you run the risk of ripping your own mind apart. life throws you enough. when using the techniques below, please excersize caution and keep someone with you to monitor if you are just starting out.

my grandfather even told me to hide my religion. apparently my religion should be playing a part in peoples opinions and actions that I dont' think it should be playing.

I follow the wiccan creed. "speak thou little and listen much" is modified for me(well only in how I execute it) as although I hate to hear my own voice, I talk a lot. so I have gotten it down. I can talk for almost ever and say absolutely nothing of value to anyone. Basically I am quiet without the quiet. another technique is to simply say the same thing so many dif ways it is ridiculous. this is because silence makes me extremely uneasy. I can't stand it. and on many points I slip into basically automatic writing, which is an actual technique mind you, however believe it or not, I refuse to use the "occult" version. sorry. I leave sleeping spirits lay. no calling forth for me.

Mine is used so that when my mind goes into flashbacks, I am not stopped from writing and it is therapeutic in practicing functioning while not able to otherwise do so. I have similar techniques in meditation that I use for daily life. some to block out pain(though it only works as much as you concentrate on doing such, as soon as you turn your focus to the pain you have to start all over, basically "out of mind, out of notice" idea kinda)

this on is a warning for those who don't know what they are doing. this kind of self awareness can be very useful. for me, I have meditated for years and have even been able to go into my subconscious. one should always be aware your subconscious IS you, but not altered by the society you live in so not everything you see will be what society teaches you is good. the biggest obstacle I found was at first, I delved to try and find the problems that made my family hate me. I looked for them. the fact of the matter is, not even in my subconscious do they exist. it did assist me in handling some deep issues though. I know things about myself that in all honesty, I could probably have lived happily not knowing. everyone has both good and bad tendencies in them. I am aware of my own capabilities, regardless of wreather or not I ever act on them, however childhood experience also indicates everyone is capable, I simply choose not to do these things I know in the right circumstances I would be capable of.

I use it a lot. sometimes it leads to TMI moments where I splurge about the past, though as I know what is appropriate and what is not, I go in and basically learn to put it elsewhere. Basically whatever you keep inside, or if you go into flashbacks while using it, will come out in your writing. as for the occult version? for those who use it, be careful. I don't use Oiji boards for the same reasons... I believe in letting the dead stay where they are. if I truly need them, perhaps it will be said in a dream... this I believe, however to purposefully disrespect the dead(and to me this is disrespect) by calling them from it to ask them questions or whatnot, is selfish and wrong. to those who do not agree, you are entitled to what you believe and I to what I believe. as long as nobody forces their beliefs on anyone else and me and mine are let to live (part my the creed, "live and let live") without you harming or trying to force your beliefs on us(though harming anyone is something I would have to say has no religious boundaries an is never acceptable-but in defense of harm to you and yours and even then permanent damage is not allowed-only defense-very strict-basically if I see someone beating the holy hell outta someone else or I see a kid beaten up, I won't stand by- that would constitute halping cause the harm by doing nothing)... pretty much as long as this is abided by, I have no problems with it. To each their own. you want to disturb the dead? just be aware your opening a proverbial can of worms you may not be able to close.

be careful with the above link. it leaves out some stuff. in other words, do more research if you use it.

this one is basically automatic writing put to a different use. it all depends on your intent. I like using it to write my story I am working on... the downside is due to my past, my "creativity"  is tainted with my own experiences. basically I end up writing them in. I find it easier to incorporate more fantasy after gushing all my issues out in my diary.

make sure you do further research after this link. it is very general and I see much to be cautious of when communicating with your subconscious.

The above is useful to figuring out some techniques but as to myself, I find it useful to go very slowly.

"you subconscious may resist" is putting it lightly. as people we are inherently resistant to change and above all else you must first accept everything in your subconscious.

when I know a bad habit I first examine myself, and then, I change it from within. to me, changing a behavior is pointless if I don't change myself at my very deepest self as not changing that makes changing your behavior temporary at best.

I caution those on medications. you conscious mind is not the only part of you effected. I found the tendencies medications brought out behavior wise(the self harm) were things that are lesser tendencies inside my deepest self. while I changed the thing itself, I still recognize the things that made me that way to begin with still linger and cannot be erased. knowing your subconscious also makes you more sensitive to things that happen and are done. I was already very sensitive before I started this many years ago. I do not express half of what I feel and am completely aware of both my conscious and unconscious portions of my mind.
this one is useful but as the rest, an incomplete source. they also neglect to say a chief cause of "tired" brain is stress or simply being overwhelmed.before you panic about their techniques not working, try a good nights sleep and healthy eating habits. this is why I don't use caffeine lots. your body isn't the only thing that needs sleep and rest and caffeine really only works for your body. if you use it lots, this may be a contributor. I am not saying stop drinking it, I am saying stop using it as a substitute int he morning for a good nights sleep. any energy giving thing can be a contributing factor as we tend to begin relying on it(I have been guilty of it at times) instead of just getting sleep. I have 2 kids... I have used it, but I used it as little as possible because I realize this.

The Mind isn't as black and white as society paints things.

for other sources Wikipedia generally is good for giving directions on where you should look(but never solely rely on it).

also try...

I got these from just typing it into yahoo, newworldencyclopedia seems a very good one for information in general but crystallinks isn't one I have much experience with.

I used this long before I even knew their were instructions for it on the internet. I read about it in a book and decided to try it. at first, my biggest obstacle was accepting what was their.

blessed be.


PS: I am a second degree in my craft, not a doctor but these are my experiences and research. next time I will do it on another type of thing, I am planning on food sensitivity therapy for my next one. I have a book here where it is in one section and it is found easily on the internet.

on that note, (yes I am long winded), I recommend "the natural physician's healing therapies-proven remedies that medical doctors don't know about" :by Mark Stengler, N.D. forward by James F. balch M.D.

be blessed

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