Monday, February 13, 2012


applications are done taking them in tomorrow.


Originally I was going to edit that last one out but, but I didn't.

here is my problem. every day i get to hear how much people value honesty and integrity, things I was taught were honorable, and every day I watch people be the opposite and when I won't be such I am torn down in a typical day.

To me... my children are the only more important than honor. Those who lack honor lack integrity and those who lack integrity are lower than the dirt at the bottom of the lowest being. rapists, child molesters, murderers. To me, I believe this... however I also am conflicted. I believe that it is wrong to pretend to be something you are not... but I believe that no matter what I believe others are entitled to their own beliefs as long as they let me be in mine.

I have been told to shut up but... it seems that is something I cannot completely do. when I see injustice I point it out, when I see kindness I feel great joy and I try to remember to point that out too.

The point being, I have been told to lie and go against these beliefs. It is not something I wish. I have been told to hold my tongue and I just can't do it. it isn't in my nature to do so and going against such an integral part of myself... isn't something I want my own children to think is you read you may also see it is directly asking me to not only go against my heart but my religion as well.

Most people I meet are searching for something, some find religion and some find drugs, some find it in another person. Either way, I believe this thing we find... their is something we lose when we stop being true in our hearts and adhere to such things as going against who we are inside... their is a reason when most learn automatic writing they can't handle it. their is a reason mine screams to let me be... because for me I knew my path most of my life and was forced to hide it, even tried to make myself be what others wanted.

I believe that is wrong.

to do so is to dishonor myself, my mothers fiery spirit, my brothers ability to get up no matter how many times he has fallen, my baby sisters harmony inducing way that truly has no explanation, my children's innocence and importance in my heart as their mother, and finally the last words my father said to me.

To dishonor one self is to dishonor all you love and all who taught you honor.

that is what I believe. I also believe that to choose a path(what others call religion) means you should represent it as well. those who badly represent a path are their own paths dishonor. you dishonor your path.

some may call me odd, or weak, or even stupid and foolish but to me... not being true to my heart causes more harm and dishonor than I am ever willing to bear or have brought on me and mine.

As a mother I carry my honor with pride that my children may one day be grown adults who somehow manage to not separate from who they are inside of their deepest selves, to live wholesome lives... because at the end of the day gaining someone elses approval is a very empty feeling as the fading glory of the sun gives rise to the rising light of the moon and stars.

to others this may seem foolish and naive but to me, the notion that you can live wholly by someone elses standards of your being is one of the most naive and foolish things I have ever encountered in life.

My country claims unalienable rights but I have seen them such without question or reason. My country dishonors itself with these actions. those who do not hold themselves to honor and hold positions of perceived trust above people are reflected of the ones who place them their and also are responsible for the well being of their people as a whole.

My people allow dishonorable s to stay in office. all I can do is vote against them and hope others feel the same. I voted for our president but as the dishonor in the system that is supposed to protect, defend, and keep people well and safe still abounds... I have begun to doubt my choice. Never once did I think to support a president so... even before I was able to vote. I lightly supported al gore and avidly scowled when people voted for bush... he smelled like a rose but if you can't spot a politicians suave you haven't spent you childhood watching news. He was too painfully obvious.

To be honest I voted for this president knowing full well he would be an idealistic fool, the same reason others did not, and yet being an idealistic fool is exactly what I thought we needed. he had not had time to be so tainted by our political system and it's constantly tangled webs.

I am going to point this out well and clear. those are my reasons, and to be honest I just keep typing because I am afraid. I know I will post this, I know chances are someone will read it. I know I will pay for it if someone doesn't like it but let me tell you this, those who commit acts of dishonor only prove their own taint of heart.

nobody is without light and nobody is without dark... it is the actions you take that decide.

I am not wise, I am not strong, but I am one hell of a bitch when I absolutely have to be!

granted I have trouble when I need to be anything but gentle and to be perfectly honest I have been going through hell and it hasn't served to better my view of my country or humanity as a whole as though I have actually said I needed help and do not know who to ask or where to turn, even though I know many have seen... I am once again reminded why i am ashamed of my country.

to the individuals who adhere to honor, I salute and respect you unerringly.

To the ones who hail in such dishonor, you may make me quake in fear and you may hold me under your thumb but till my dying day I will despise all who have ever shown me such horrors.

I have papers stating I am sane. These are not insane ramblings of an insane woman. this is the truth my mother valued so much in life, the wish my father spoke his last. my father wanted me to be happy be it life or death... even though i was supposed to die he was the only one who held strong in that I would only be happy in whatever happened. My fathers wish has not been held. I can surely tell you that. I have been asked why I have not killed myself yet, why I keep going, and I only have one answer.

Beyond even honor... it is love that binds me. not the love of a lover, not even the love of a sister, but the love of a mother. I must confess... if I did what was so suggested(by who I will not say-as I do not wish to deal with the backlash of it) I would be anything but in those I loved so dearly who have so long passed. My father, my mother, even my own twin sister would be nothing short of displeased... my twin would kick my ass as far as she could for as long until she thought I learned not to give up such a gift as life, my mother would cry those unbearable tears of disappointment and despair-probably blaming herself for her won death being at fault, and my father would give me this unmistakably drawn look filled with conflict that I would be loath to put on his face where he would wish nothing more for me to be his little girl again but would be disappointed in me despite his wish because in his eyes I will have finally done something wrong and I don't think he could have handled that in life let alone in death... in my fathers eyes I really was his sun moon and stars and did no wrong... even the things others didn't like. My mother knew much better. my brother was on the receiving end of my pranks enough times(and I on his). Nothing short of taking my own life could bring these things even in their own deaths.

much more unbearable than these. I believe that no matter what a child will miss their mother... even if they cannot remember her. their was a time I could remember not even my own name but something in me recalled such a distant memory it was beyond verbal recalling. It was painful, very much so. I was very much attached to both of my parents. even when memory was gone... I cried for the pain of separation from them.

Their are nights I still cry about my brother, about friends who have long left for one reason or another. perhaps this makes me different and perhaps it does not.

either way, this is who I am and I do not wish for that to change and thus it won't.

when you write with automatic writing you write things in your subconscious. unresolved issues, resolved issues... everything in your deepest self. If you are disconnected from that your writing shows such in the torment.

I have no such torment. My torment comes form outside sources.

it always has and it always will because I accept who I am as I have always, and will forever always accept who my children are and choose to be for the rest of their days.

If anyone can run and keep such a wedge in that then I know karma will bite them harder than they could ever believe.

I may be odd and I may seem "honor obsessed" but let me just say this, I believe in my deepest part of myself everything that I say.

to me, a great travesty is being committed and their are many not even allowed to talk about it. to me, while the shortsighted intent may be to protect... a fool made those rules. silence has been the bane of my life to the extent my god-sister named me thus in front of her little jugalo pals(nothing against them but I prefer to stay out of such things-she is family albeit I won't take her crap but she is family and her friends are her business as long as they dont' hurt her)... I hate that name. do you know why I hate it? because it symbolizes the tool used to hurt me the most.

why do these things even exist in which peoples opinions matter more than cold hard facts and love?

why shoudl it matter if I speak of the wrongs done or not?

oh I get it, because most people can't handle the truth.

let me put it straight. I know myself at my deepest core and while I can tell you I am not a danger.. I CAN tell you what will make me that way, only because I know that much about myself. nothing short of one I love being in direct danger before my eyes has ever brought me to any form of violence... even in self defense I am nothing compared to what I become when i have something to protect. the only violence I can be snapped into is harm of self and that will only happen should anything happen to my children. it is something many people know of themselves... I am simply aware that I treasure my children that much.

as of current I am in a situation I dont' know what to do in, constantly finding out I have been lied to and manipulated into situations that serve no healthy purpose for anyone but someone checkbook(by things I have read with this last one), and I can prove it but have been told the truth doesn't matter.

"rights" do not matter.

unalienable rights are a joke because my country treats them like a joke... and I will forever till my dying breath say so because that is all I have been shown. I am sick of hearing "you only think" every time I try to speak up about a problem. I HAVE PHONE CALLS! last I checked imagination couldn't project to things others could witness as tangible and true. I cannot mimic the voices of others(males especially), I can't tweak these things and I most curtainly have been consistent with what I have said. It should be noted that I speak of recording and not some sick fantasy land. these are things I can replay for others to hear, not without what they are recorded on of course.

should the worst case scenario happen, all who read this should know... my heart is with my children. should the worst happen... my heart and my blessings of love will remain but may those who stand by or contribute to this... may karma have MY blessings to do with you what it will 10 fold over.

In my life as of current, what is happening is wrong and I can prove it.

If by the end nobody answers a plea, I will die a woman who lived her life wishing to see the best in humans but died because no honor among them save the innocent remains... because their is honor in innocence... they are too innocent to be capable of dishonor. they are children. what has been done... is beyond dishonor.

should anything happen to me, let it be known my last wish is my diary become public, my children get everything(no matter how meager) and changes happen so this DOESN'T happen again, not just one part but all parts. the things wrong that will be found... for them to be thoroughly investigated, the systems mentioned ransacked(oh and in written entries you will find much evidence current events have only assured me some things haven't changed even under the veil of it), and every single person you find with anything even remotely wrong in their treatment be compensated and allowed their life. This should never have happened.

I do not wish to die. I wish to grow old with my family and my freedom, liberties that even born as an American I have never been allowed to have. when I have tasted it in my life it has been swiftly taken, my family as a child died and my right to be a sister was stricken from me(and yes I still feel it) so I assure you, this goes much deeper.

if anything ever happens to me, should my wish not be fulfilled... I hold those responsible in contempt within my heart without remorse or thought to any path or religion. as a mother and as a wiccan, this is indeed my lesser harm. sometimes the world needs change in it and should i die, you bet your ass I will take any deeds done for this change on the weight of my own soul as I believe is the case when someone makes such a request.

I am no saint. I just believe in everything I have said and this is what it means to truly believe.

I will not throw my life away and I am not some martre... but should i die, it isn't that I hate corruption so much but that i love my children that much.

never again do I wish this to repeat. never again do i want these pains to need be felt by another. so someone must find a way to fix it without hurting those who have need of some things.

I wish no harm but... neither am i a saint. to those who have brought harm on me and mine I will endeavor to have a hardened heart when your own trials come on you... though I will probably be simply put, unable to be so cruel. I hate myself for that. it only gets me hurt many times over. yet.. it is my nature.

I am not fake. I am real. I am not crazy, but I do believe.

My greatest wish is truly just to be a normal human being... free to be myself and live my live letting other be and being left to live as I will with my family until the end of my days.

regardless of anyone's thoughts... as it harms none, can you truly begrudge it of me?

I would ask for help but that seems to get me more of what i need help getting out from under.

the point being, I can prove much and I can further prove I am sane.

I have no dillusions(it means my hearing a site do not pick up anything not their), I have no harmful tendencies, and I understand things perfectly fine(too well at times). I can prove all of this and I can prove they are wrong.

and yet I am told I truly have no choice.

this is real. this is me. this is a mere overlook of what high-lights my entire life.

I will probably pay for posting this. someone will take this as their cue to call me crazy and I will have to prove once again i am not. I will be tossed among a system that affords no rights to those in it and is not afraid to resort to threats on you, your family, and everything you hold dear. this is only a possibility of course. for posting this I could inadvertently cause everything I have written. I could also just truly be as most will think.

I challenge you. check for yourselves.

I curtainly have nothing to hide.

I have said so since day 1.

Should someone hear and my life's wish happen, I will owe them a debt of honor, of life. I know the possibilities of that being misused and I accept this. to me, my family means that much to me. my children mean everything.

They can't even prove their own words and I freely offer my own proof. Like I was going to tell her I was basically told I had no other choice but the one I chose. Like hell.

I don't care who looks good and who looks bad. I want my life back... I want my world back the way it should be. and dammit I want to be able to have my day when it come to the mental health injustices as well instead of them writing back "we think you really mean" because that is just a load of CRAP!

they impeded an investigation and now my family is paying the price... and that was only the latest issue.

unlike most, I will go tooth and nail and I will probably be cast aside by some of my path but I do not care. my children come first and the fools who think it should be otherwise can kiss my ass! If I had the opportunity to see those who hurt my family with their lives as destroyed as they have made mine even if only a moment, the truth is... I know myself well enough to know I would choose it. I would fell bad after and i wouldn't be able to let them stay that way but... I am a woman. Being a pacifist has no bearing where it concerns the welfare of my children. I am a woman and I am human. I will not pretend to be otherwise and being treated otherwise is unacceptable. to me... everyone else on this planet could die and while i would cry rivers of sadness... as long as my children were fine and well I would be of contentedness. I will not be apart of anything such as that... to me that has no place in any goodness. I am merely saying. that is simply put, how deeply i know myself. I can go into my own subconscious mind and read my own deepest thoughts... to me, these are right thoughts and how  mother should be. a mothers children should be first. as cold a brutal as it seems. when i die I may even give up being wiccan for one final moment to, after I bless my children, curse those who have done this. that is how well I know myself.

I love my children more than anything.

if anyone has an issue with that, please, prove me right... again.
to prove me right shows only true evil.
I hate being right about these things.
if only you trust one thing, trust this. next tie someone asks me if the "voices" told me to write something instead of me doing so with my heart, it only shows how ignorant you are, how dishonorable your intentions towards me and mine, and truly how disgustingly desperate to find something broken where it isn't such who ask are. writing from your heart means feeling what you are writing and being able to do so without thought or with very little. it is very similar to automatic writing in many ways... but... to me doing such it is impossible to be told what to write because no heart will ever be told what to feel and this is an expression of what I believe and of my heart.

So my religion is different and I believe in such things as honor, chivalry, the teaching of old.

I am tired of my religion being questioned and my belief in the practices of such called "magical thinking" and left for further debate. my beliefs are not up for debate so people need to quit stalling.

I would rather go to jail for speaking of what I am not allowed than live a life kept from what matters most in my heart... though finding out it was such is what nearly took my life to begin with.


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