Monday, March 19, 2012


pain is not something I like.

when faced with something that may make me break down in tears I have to harden myself and focus on another emotion... this doesn't always bode well... o such subjects that make me face lies head on like you woudl the truth... considering the bullshit and lies I had to put up with(my grandfather is also a grade a full of shit carton of crap most days-at least where regarding me-I shouldn't have to check and cross reference what family tells me)... I can't stand lies and honestly don't know what to do when forced to.

I also do not deal with others emotional distress the same way. I am the type of person who cries with the one who has had loss but not at the same time or in the same room. I go do so later when I am alone. in person I come off a bit...different.

their exist no right words when someone has lost something so precious as a loved one, be they adult or child... born or unborn... so... their are no right words. you can only be their in any way you can and let them know it. sometimes people need a reminder you are their... but their are no right words, only right actions. the words are only a comfort to you... it is the actions that speak louder... the words do however, let them know and remind them you care and later on if said with sincerity and combined with actions will be remembered in their hearts... too many people give empty words in condolences.

I may have come across as course... but... I truly simply wish to just let her know I am their for her.


On another note, I have two job interviews.... not just one. walmart and Starbucks. ^-^

I was about to excitedly post when I found out. I wish she didn't have to feel that pain... but I will not be stopped from being happy about this. it is simply put... which emotion I decide to focus on that matters. I have to focus on the excitedness. I can deal with my empathic nature on my "own" time... though it is a bit too strong to hide completely.

stupid thing. I asked an old friend how to handle getting over my husband-BC he got over some girl he dated and truly loved(to the point he stalked her and kept tabs on her-I would never date him-but he does that to everyone he knows in some form-usually not personally, just asks around and compiles info on you... personally I think he shoudl work for the FBI... they stalk people legally... so... but he did pretty much destroy himself over that break up so I asked him how)... the........ that... GAH! that ********** told me I am too compassionate and too nice. I need to learn how to be uncaring... when I disconnected myself it was too little caring, when I can't it is too much. Is their some middle ground I don't know about? you either care or your don't. besides... I don't think I can ever hate anyone I once loved so deeply. I still can't even hate my grandmother and she did many things to me. I do still love my husband and things kinda still hurt a bit... but they call it healing for a reason. it still hurts and is a deep wound in my heart. however... "love stretched too far breaks"--------- the more times you hurt someone or push too far, the more you stretch their love, and it doesn't make it stronger. eventually that love breaks. I will never hate him... and lingering feelings do remain... however i suspect the lingering feelings have something to do with the fact we have children.

I don't think you can hate someone you once loved or do love... but I could be wrong. I have never been able to hold on to hateful feelings anyway.

happy things... job interviews! so.. business casual.... black but nice jeans(also durable for hard work XP)... hm.... gotta do some laundry tonight and make sure I have proper attire clean.

life has both sadness and happiness in it. even where no reason exists to smile and laugh one must find one or like a flower with no sunlight... the heart wilts and dies... however unlike the body a heart is like a phoenix... it can be brought back to life. it is simply just never the same.

I hope I get those jobs. actually if all goes well... I might end up with both of them... I am focusing on the optimistic side... usually I am a realist and am neither a pessimist or an optimist... but just looking at facts and such... hell, my budget it itemized, organized, categorized... I am logical. I am typically a realist... but today I choose to be an optimist. worst case I get neither job... and even one can be categorized as "best case"... but... I choose to say "what if I get both jobs?" because to me... that would be awesome!

yeah... the thought gives me warm fuzzies... so yay! ^-^ today I am an optimist because I choose to be. realism can kiss my over-sized buttocks! reality sucks... give me optimism! nobody can be all logic all the time........ and it is definitely a pleasant thought process.


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