Sunday, February 12, 2012


So tonight I am working on my schoolwork.

I was making a vid that was originally intended to be a blog but made too much tmi for my taste.

That was when I decided something. I will keep those videos as "unlisted" and only "share" them with the mental health site. for me,  the purpose of being so open is because of them. No, I am not blaming them but you have to understand, I grew up like this. This way of speaking was requested, asked for, necessary. the way I don't always say everything but you may not realize that was my way with keeping my abuse secret when asking for help getting it to stop or help getting away from it was either ignored or called "just looking for attention". I can tell you, had they thought to look at my physically... their were times it was obvious. most of the time though my grandmother was smart enough to have it not be fresh(at the very least) by the time I got to the doctor... so they believed her and never nice did anyone think to check me for marks or something of the kind... accept once. my grandmother told her I had just been clumsy and the wounds were not fresh. no, to my knowledge cps was never called for it and all she did was warn them to do some stupid padding thing in my room... oh yeah, like that was going to work. everything that got done was a threat or a promise so you know... I am well aware of how this sounds.

Anyway, I want better than that for my kids. I will not become my grandmother or my mother. the abusive or the oblivious. so I am going to take this class... though I kinda feel like others might assume the reasons. chances are... people who read it assume the reasons... I bet they don't know that I have to opposite problem. yeah... irony. I am afraid to hurt anyone... lifting my hand brings me fear. the control of martial arts is more than just a beloved reminder for me... it is a reassurance. the discipline allows for my "only in defense" that I have as a pacifist(though guilty of liking a few action movies) who believes in harm none but understands that sometimes in defense is the lesser harm than to just take it... not just because my parents were brilliant (though they had to be, they were navy) and it reminds me. to me... the thing itself is comforting, familiar, but... peaceful. I have considered studying Shoalin Buddhism... but am not sure as of yet. I am wiccan and will stay thus as I do not choose my paths lightly... I do not make such decisions on a whim or a threat by another. this is the path I chose... not what others chose for me.

I am a pacifist... yet if it  came time to defend my family... I would. I have met those who hailed under "Wicca" but took the harm none clause too far and had no insite in just how much damage NOT defending could do... but I have seen people die and have heard their begging the one who did it not to kill them as I was forced to watch... these people I was used as bait to find. I was a child. I have seen my fathers eyes and my mothers glassy and empty of the life they once held so much of... that is the only explanation for it. I have seen too much and know too much about these things. It is a weary knowledge. I have wrestled with this most of my life. Still I am unable to fathom the cheapness someone can give life.

These things have happened. I cannot undo them. Keeping them to myself only creates the solace their filth can hide in.

If I was able to hold a gun without losing myself to my fathers memory, I would be a police officer. their are many goals I have in life... and though I would never use it but on the practice range... they kinda require a gun. regardless of those who have hurt me... so I am going to go into forensic art. I can't hold a gun and to be honest I am still getting my body back to where it needs to be anyway... but I do not want to become like that woman and neither do I want to be one who sits idly by. My children will never understand this and for that I am glad... because I never want them to have to.

I am one of those people who has many plans for the future... and I know I will get them all. to be perfectly honest... if I could become a police officer... I would probably have chosen animation instead of my current path I have begun to go down. The fact of the matter is, after being so helpless for so long... I don't want to be weak anymore. I want to help and make a difference. Yet... I must confess, my children will forever and always be my first concern. between a cause that could take me halfway across the world and save millions and a lunch to be packed or a hug to be given... I choose the later option. To others this may make me evil and heartless... but my mother did damage with that mind set of "greater good"... a mothers job is to raise healthy, happy, whole children and then perhaps someday they will make a difference in this world as well... so for now, I sign petitions and hey, if someone needs help I lend a hand, but they come first. My children are MY world... the rest of the world can wait.

As for my past... my past is part of what made me who I am today, nothing more, nothing less. What I choose to do with it is what matters. I choose to help where i can and not become like that evil woman. I choose to put my children first as my mother so often didn't even realize she wasn't doing.for me... the brightest future I could possibly imagine... is them.

the past is behind us(no matter what it has in it),
the present is a gift(even if it is a crappy gift many times),
the future is a bridge(you only know what is on the other side if you live long enough to see it)

this is how I live... how I wish my children to live... knowing the value of life but unlike me... I don't want them to know the heartbreaking loss of it as I did. If I raise them well... then instead of being one person changing the world... they will be two beautiful children all grown up who can decide to change it and work hard. they may not choose that path... but a mothers job in changing the world, is to be a mother. I will do what I can otherwise... but... I hold true to what I believe.

My most sacred goal in life is to raise them well and keep them safe... but not only that, to teach them the skills they need to one day keep themselves safe long after I am gone. it is an ongoing learning thing for me... but... that is the nature of life.

I am just a woman. I hold no wisdom. I hold no strength. But I am a mother.

When you become a mother you are still who you were before... just... it is something added to you and your role in life. it makes a lot of changes but... change is good. change is the beginning to the bridge of the future.

when you get over the bridge of the future, you find a present... and another bridge. but doesn't it just make you curious as to what could possible be ahead on the other side?

life is life, no matter what idioms are used to describe it.

you drink a drink, you eat your food, as both are meant to be, life is meant to be lived... so live it.

I don't mean party... I mean whatever life means to the individual person.

for me... life means being a mother and providing for my family. it means going to school and chasing my dreams but making sure to be a mother first.

you someone else... life may simply mean something different.

For my children... I want them to have none of my pains of the past but all of the fire for life I saw in my own mothers eyes... because if you love life it tends to love you back.

ah... those pesky philosophy sayings...



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