Saturday, December 31, 2011

4chan, paranormal, paranormal area.

I was making a video on it. more specifically what is in it. With all due respect, while I believe some are crazy, I do not think all are. In fact, most are driven crazy BY it. Many Ouija board stories with years of after effects exist. this is a direct result of NOT closing said doorway. in Wicca it is called "closing the circle", not blessing it... many things. I was reading up on it and saw one in particular. the girl had been young and used her hands as part of the Ouija board. others have stories that sound like they just didn't shut that door. It is very much a door.

I am Wicca, second degree, and to be honest, I have a habit of being open and ending up pissing people off. The old story tellers who took the oath to pass to blood and keep the stories made a mistake. "till they are ready", idiots. They are less ready today because of it. So, Christians hate me cuz I am wiccan(accept a few who rise above this weird hate thing that spurs people to do horrible things), and most wiccan's avoid me cuz I am too open... Though I have met a couple who just... I suppose our paths just didn't have any more to cross as of then. *shrugs* sometimes life just works that way.

In high school I was forced by perception and medication to do things I didn't want to do religiously. My question I always wanted to ask... "What good is church in life if my heart has already decided I am going to hell in death anyway?" It should be noted I do not believe in hell. My childhood was twisted by hate of others and warped by the true meaning of the all seeing eye. I have looked into someones eyes as they died, cried out for them to come back... I was 3. No, I didn't kill them. Someone else did. The all seeing eye represents openness, all seeing, to open your mind, to allow it... in truth it cannot be explained and done any form of justice in words. I am not saying to go out and experience it. in fact, don't. It is not normal to have known this and still be alive.

I am wiccan, a 2nd degree, a witch(though I prefer priestess, witch is a general term created by other religions, much like devil and angel, their was a time we just existed like anyone else), and a solitaire.

To many, I am a walking contradiction. I am a pacifist but I love martial arts because they remind me of my parents and promote balance and peace with oneself and your surroundings. I will not kill or hurt but I will not hesitate to defend my family if the need arises.  I am weak but have been called strong. I am not attractive but have been called otherwise. I am not wise, but I have been called so... even as a child. I was never a child but I enjoy some childish things like dancing in the rain, actually hugging a tree, and what type of prank to pull on my brother next time I see him(nothing harmful of course). I am sworn to not indulge in physical sexual acts with another(you can thank my husband for that vow, if it bothers you, for me... I wouldn't have made my vow if it bothered me, and I made it because of what he did) but I enjoy cracking the jokes(more often than not my face turns red) and have had to consider "phone sex operator" as a job due to financial hardship, and despite my vow of harm none... I have been guilty of murdering a few bugs... if it helps, I do in fact feel guilty... oh and I killed a few flowers growing up... and clovers... uh... like I said, walking contradiction.

I have a safety net in case I should choose later to change my vow... but that "safety" is not going to come to pass for years. It isn't even really a change... just something I put in with an understanding that life changes your path and an unyielding vow wouldn't be proper for such a thing.

I went on 4chan in the paranormal type area. quite interesting. some I am thinking "they are nuts", I must admit... and after I accidentally posted to the wrong thread for that one... I do not blame them if they think so about me. hehehe. Specifically... I know how I come off to people and to be honest, I don't care. I do but I also don't. I must care how they react but... if someone has an issue with me, they should keep it, cuz I don't want it. ^^

Anyway, stories like that one girl on4chan who grew up a little too close to the paranormal are why my kids are to be kept away form religion until they are old enough to decide. my own dreams where I have bruises in my sleep are proof enough of that. some things are not meant to be explained. strange things happen.I am not inclined to explain them however, it cannot be doubted that belief in something makes it real to you despite what others think. I am fortunate my path of religion includes these things.

Their are some things that take great trust... it greatly saddens me. I was stupid enough to marry someone who I could not hold the sacred rite of "perfect love and perfect trust" with... that is my shame and therefore... my reasoning for why it is my fault. I did not make him do his actions. He did. his actions are his own and mine are my own. Religiously, he broke every vow that binds the sacred rite of marriage.

I have always stated. "I do not believe in divorce" and I don't. I believe in something different, but I suppose on a legal stand point it would be the same.

In the past I clashed with one in particular... someone who claimed to Wicca. I can neither confirm or deny they were, however... I CAN confirm they doctored emails to post on their own blog. I still have them too. I am merely saying this to warn off any trouble from him. why? Because their is only so much drama one can tolerate and he was more full of bullshit that a bull that just ate half a field of flowers! His little protege who decided to stalk me later was no better. then you have this odd one on Facebook misleading those new to the craft, but doing so apparently away form the eyes of those who "know" them. .... ignorance.... I don't like it.

with all due respect... these are reason I call my own path naive. those in it I mean. I am not saying that is bad but... *sigh*... I grew up knowing death existed, knew, had seen someone I loved dearly die. even when my children were home I checked on them often... because even though logically I knew they were fine... I also logically knew(and still do know) that that can change in an instant. So, I saw horrible things and grew up too fast. This should be considered normal for those who grow up before their time. To me, it is everyone else who has catching up to do in that area... well normal people who have never seen anything like that. I am OK with them being naive so they need to grow up enough to handle me. So I went through hell. Oh well. It is in the past. Get over it. Move on, grow up, and stop making YOUR lack of maturity MY issue.

My father was so full of life. One moment their and the next moment... not. but his body was. it messes with you that is for sure. I am simply glad I did not take a different path. better people than me... took a path of death and despair for others.

I choose to be odd, I choose to be me, and.. sometimes... that is really all you have. I like being me. I have no desire to do anything to change that except better myself for my family. otherwise, I am staying ME! To ask me anything else would not only be against my path(religion) but also my rights as a human being.

They have my world in their hands. I can honestly say, I do not know how much longer I can stand but I am used to standing alone. As a child, as an adult. I know. "Failure to thrive" is not limited to babies or children and survival is possible. I know, even if no-one else does and for me... that is enough to know why I should hug and hold my children and make sure they have plenty of contact and interaction and... everything they need. without love, babies die... but what if... "just enough" to survive was not just enough to thrive? That is how I know the damage that can be done.

In the past my thriving children meant, at least, I was not as my mother was... oblivious to their little one troubles. I survived. that was it. and no matter how many people I have tried to explain the details of this to... they are too quick to label things within perception. then they get pissed off when it turns out not to be.


I put in my request to transfer at work. I enjoy working period so hopefully I can use that. I am far too honest. *sigh* well, I am going to go wait for my next psychic reading call... cards ready, meditating... time to go assume meditative position.

Then tonight it is more schoolwork... and I am thinking perhaps a call to my doctor. when you sneeze, your chest shouldn't feel as mine does now... I know what is wrong, I am simply condemned to wait for someone holding a piece of paper to notice as if you tell them it pisses on their pride. if you piss on their pride, then they piss on you, however please keep in mind this isn't literal. if I don't say it, somebody will assume... and I am tired of people making their assumptions my problem.

I just want things to be as they should be, my family home.


work sample

can also be found on that link. I wanted to make it faster but could not. the music was added because I couldn't think of anything else to do without infringing on copy rite laws.

further information is in the description on the link.

oh shit!

I think I ruined my chances with this one job! oh shit! she said she liked my professionalism and I hadn't sent her the others yet! I do not know the first thing about being professional! Now I am sure not to get it. shit... shit! shit! shit! it is on freelancer.... and oh SHIT! I... so blew it.


On the plus side? the vid detailing an overall sample of my art work and abilities with paint and windows movie maker is on here. to be honest, yes it is me singing in it, and no... I have no idea why my mic is picking up weird stuff. my sound system sucks for this. I still have yet to figure out why it is like that. next post will be that sample, may be added to this one and may be kept in a separate post. shit... did I say shit? I was hoping to get that job... crap! why crap? because shit isn't the only word for dung.


It strikes me only now. perhaps this blog isn't all that "professional" and giving the link to her wasn't all that smart... crap! it is 98% configured.... a few more minutes and we are on!

uh... got ahead of myself... now I have to load it up and wait for it to prep... *sigh*...

Friday, December 30, 2011


Sorry I have been hacked again. I was going through typing the details of how I know this and what signs I look for when the biggest one as of late, of all came about. the black screen of "someone is fucking with my system" they shut down the browser I was using, and erased my entire post. this also happened last night and it was only a partial post that was deleted... in my diary even, no shame whatsoever! today it was a blog post.

as I was saying(I posted the above), I was going to do a skit and wierdface today but since whoever keeps doing this is so determined to keep me off my web cam(and yes, I troubleshoot, and now I have to fix my comp and hope this works. BTW, are you aware that some taps can be heard via pink noise? funny thing about that... my phone is tapped so badly that even my brother across the country can hear it when we converse. the tap was also confirmed by an ex phone company worker who retired(as she says anyway, and her confirmation isn't completely reliable so I don't put too much stalk in it). and when it is hacked so bad sometimes you can pick up the phone and not only get only dial tone, but hear what they are saying... me and an old friend had some fun with that some months ago... I admit it... it was entirely too amusing for our own good. it really didn't help that he tried to talk me into cheating on my husband, and I stood firm. I am not wise, I am not beautiful, and I am not brave but... I am loyal. I cannot deny it. I will not deny it. I held firm. he was and is just a friend... though we have not talked lately. he didn't like being told he was a crappy stalker. me? I was just glad to know who was stalking me in the first place. wouldn't be the first time he did so just to keep my rear end out of trouble. xp in high school I think he was better at it though but only cuz I was better at ignoring it. not so sure if he has been doing so lately. I kinda just shut it all off... if they want me to be just as unaware as everyone else... I can pretend. It has been many years since I learned anything regarding martial arts and to be honest, other than beating up my little brothers school yard bullies until he himself could... it really only helps me be more aware and sometimes... to let some things remain mysteries right under peoples noses. this is not an invitation for a stalker... this is me saying that my high school friend, although he never scratched the surface of who I am and what goes on in my head(doesn't even remember my fav color, but neither does my husband and i know I said it enough), he at least knows that I am a magnet for trouble. it isn't that I go looking for it, oh contrair, I avoid it like the plague... I just... draw it. can't really explain it... and while I am horrendously clumsy(well used to be, now I just occasionally am), I would have not said a word if he had just asked first. he knew me at least well enough to know I knew when I was being followed...a t least I thought he did. he was much better at it on foot. "I have my sources"..... yep... my ass he had his sources. probably my fault though... I have always had a strange thing for late night walks. I do not go unarmed and in no respect wish for trouble... but it is the only time the city has any form of relative peace. even in nature I suppose I would enjoy the night more... because i could just stare at the stars. he always knew where to find me. on that rock at the library because it was the darkest place in the city and for some reason the gangs left it alone. if I didn't know any better I would have thought he scared them off or something... or maybe it was just one of the few things in which I was lucky. I cried when they destroyed the fountain rock thingy I used to sit on... the sound of water combined with the sky(I was also annoyed when they fixed the light but I kept quiet since it was kinda the law... didn't stop me from pouting though). this was after high school of course... when I was on my own. it was my escape from what I was facing. I would just... leave my apartment and walk. most of the time I had no aim but I knew the area so well I didn't need to worry. never in that area was I attacked, never in that area was their even a crack I hadn't previously tripped over at least once. I could just blank out and let my feet take me where I needed to go.

ah memory lane... a shorter lane than it should be. despite what I heard and asked him about... I still miss my friend. the week after I was sulking about that light... it was broken and I always wondered... but then I think he would have been more inclined to remind them to fix it despite my pouting... he only ever hurt me once and that was my own fault. he even called me once or twice to remind me to carry my old switch blade(no, it was stolen years ago so I don't have it anymore), just in case. he was a bigger worry wort than me... probably because of how easily I attract trouble. but once I knew that he knew I could hold my own just fine... I never once reminded him that I would be fine. no... I hadn't trusted someone to watch my back like that since my little brother when we were just kids... it took years to build such trust. even my husband did not earn that level of it before breaking it.

I probably don't have to say... we are just friends but in high school and a long while after... I had the biggest crush. It was ironic that only after I was able to move on did he find any romantic feelings whatsoever. After I turned him down for my husband he also found another. I hope they are very happy... not sure though. we have not talked in months. hehehe, shutting up now... and I hope whoever is screwing with my crap stops. this is annoying. I have had my comp for over 8 years... it doesn't take a genius to know that after a few years... you know your comps quirks. I was hacked plenty while in my grandparents home... it was mandatory to hand over my passwords. not handing them over had consequences and I was often punished for the content of my diary(usually if I took record of the things she did while my grandfather wasn't home). so bad was it that I stopped keeping one. only recently have I been able to. it was that bad.

.... yeah, I keep a diary. I keep several actually. I am working on it though... to try and consolidate between 4-5 dif book/places(I keep one online and have one fore the purposes of having it in case I run out of paper)... then I can keep on taking it down to less. in all honesty, I wish my husband had not done the things he did. I trusted him enough to show my back and lean on him and let him lean on me(not that it took much), and at several points i even let him see me cry... that trust too took awhile to build. It saddens me that such trust is so easily thrown away.

ah... shutting up for real now. I better write in my diary today... I almost said things I didn't want to say... -__-... not my secrets to tell. just got lost in the memories. the memories I do have... I treasure. and since I have no such loss past a curtain point... I treasure every moment with my children in it. every moment i have reason to smile or laugh... even the bad, because the next morning I know... I knkow what it is like to wake up and ask.. "who am I? where am i? what is my name?" these are things we all take for granted. I was 17.

just got a phone call while written on here. from some lady in Magellan I think... said her name but not sure if it is good to place that on here... so maybe only first name, Norma. I have several recorded conversation documenting interaction with partners in recovery west valley clinic. They were previously informed, verbally and many times over the phone that all conversations(not related to my work, as I do not consider that good practice to record other peoples personal stuff over the hotline, and not always with friend conversations either as... I shouldn't have to need to record friends... you should be able to trust them, though I am not naive and those who call themselves friend but do not act it... are in fact recorded at times, and yes... they are told so they know it when I am, curtain people talk differently when recorded... a big sign of who you can trust and who you cannot). anyway, they have gone from claiming not to be able to find the evaluation in may and therefore couldn't find it(recorded conversations reference this), to finding it and saying it wasn't legit because since I was pregnant at the time... the doc didn't want to do that as my official evaluation(seemed OK to me as i agree, it is bad practice and I miscarried later anyway... and no, you will not find it in medical records as anything but verbal relay, it is complicated and I blame myself... though I knew it would happen but had hoped it would not). NOW I was just told they are saying it was a "no show"... hm... I should pull that up later and replay some parts that record them saying these things. if I do this right no names or anything will be revealed... but enough will be heard so that it is well and known that they have been playing dirty and I do not appreciate it... though I think I have been pretty loud about how much a "appreciate" it.

The woman, Norma, it should be noted, spoke reasonably, will be checking up with me next Friday according to her,  and I have no complaints. I am simply waiting to see where this goes. Sometimes... caution is best. so far though, she has been alright. If I find out later that is not the case, I will not hesitate to say so. I think anyone who every reads my blog or even my Facebook at times... knows that. however I am reminded by myself to speak about not just the bad... so... it is small but this is good. I simply hope it stays as such. I am cautious.


Tuesday, December 27, 2011

fire and diary piece

The stuff in quotes is from my diary directly copied and pasted. and no... it is not the entire entry. every lady needs her mystery's don't you think? besides... it is a diary because it is your most personal thoughts. these just are less personal and useful to others as I use food sensitivity therapy.

"hm.... been eating lots of garlic. still have a cough, but that is actually a good sign, believe it or not(long with the puking, as I can't cough stuff up it stands to reason it comes up in puking sessions, a good thing that has ceased), my nose is not as bad either. apple juice, garlic bread(lots of it), chicken, vegis... I have made sure to balance things a bit but eat more of the things that will help me. later I have to get something besides apple juice of I am going to itch myself to death(kidding of course), as I am explicitly glad the allergy to apple juice I have is minor. I have noticed that over time, the same thing being used has lessened the effect it has and increased the amount needed. orange juice is no longer as effective. I will have to use it less. Bread doesn't stay in my system at all so... I am glad for it right now. I do not need to gain any more weight that is for sure. I hope the boys are alright."

for those of you who don't know, garlic is good for your immune system and for helping you get better when you are sick, as is onion. just remember, while I know these things, I am not a doctor. do look these things up before you decide to utilize them. and pay attention to how foods you eat effect you, you may be surprised to find the simplest things to be sources of many things within yourself, or lack thereof. to be honest, I use food sensitivity therapy for over all health. I am so sensitive to everything that it is almost a requirement to be any form of healthy and alive. my doc is pretty new so we have not talked about it yet. not my last one either... he was more content to just not treat  me at all really... in the past I have been far too accepting of this attitude towards my health. taking into account my previous experiences with some doctors... that is understandable, though I have not previously talked too much on it in this blog. who knows... I will probably end up doing so later.

here is a vid I taped awhile back.

I find it rather amusing... perhaps I will do it again one of these days. ^^ yeah... I was rather excited about it. do not be afraid to laugh... remember. YouTube and my blog are my outlets for my spazzoidness and weirdness.

today I meant to call the unbundsman but got caught up in a late job app(I didn't notice the time when I started and didn't look till it was over) for circle K. I have attempted to reach curtain people and got no luck. as for the ombudsman... I had not thought of it right away as in the past, this has yielding nill. hopefully they will be unable to ignore that even the police deny what is in that paperwork. Not only did I call them myself, anyone who asked for the information to do so themselves will be given the information to do so. if they give you trouble, I will have to see if my phone has three way... yes, to prove this, I will stop at nothing that will not harm my children. you want proof? grow a pair and ask instead of assuming. 0 is my opinion of those who assume so readily, kinda funny that I assume quite often as well. the thing is... I also reserve the right to look into something. shame on those who don't.

anyway... I will be making a wierdface vid tomorrow if all goes well. laters. ^^


Monday, December 26, 2011


sorry, sick and doing school work. my instructor finally called me and explained what I needed to know to continue on, I am doing some work ahead and will be expecting to be done most of my classwork for the weeks ahead soon. as long as the things I wonder(no matter how stupid the question) is answered... I can excel, although I have been considering the drawbacks on my learning in an online setting. at this point, the things that are in my life as of now, make anything else impossible. I lack transportation to any far off place, I am working on my physical issues... I am sick right now on top of it... and with everything going on... I will still do this.

I also am trying to find scholarships and figure out some way to afford a lap top that can handle all this crap. if I can figure out finance and this all settles down(because as of current my life is going to be the death of me with all the stress and loss I have gone through too recently on top of the current crap, and lets not forget death anniversaries are this month! 2 of them......... when it rains it pours), I consider that my admissions counselor may have been correct when he told me I should have taken the animation tract. the thing is... that would be selfish. I really want to be a forensic artist. game art design(characters), is what I want as my fall back. helping to create the story-lines would be fun too but... in my eyes... it is one thing to bring a smile to a face, another to bring peace to a hurting heart. I want to help find missing children and give faces to people who are gone... because never knowing for sure and having never been to my fathers grave... or having a grave for my unborn children who never made it(1 I lost years ago in December) because not knowing if my sister is OK or not... I know how it feels. I was used as bait for a family member to hurt people(you do not want to know what this entailed trust me). bringing peace to peoples hearts who have lost so much... is the least I can do. regardless of my reasons.

the following are things I have found myself saying a lot lately... but I have always thought them, now... these secret thoughts of old... are all that keeps me sane and my mind in tact.

I can because I will. I will because I must, and I must for my hearts own peace. people are people.

failure is not an option, only a fear,


PS: being sick is crap! an allergic reaction made it worse.....-__-... when it rains it pours

Friday, December 23, 2011

The song with no name yet

don't worry, will add more "traditional" wierdface video later... XP... not that anyone is worried mind you but.... never know.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

the face that real player made you miss(before I drew on it anyway XP) and the song....


True to the spirit of weird face I will keep being weird with make up but I am adding a video to this post in the spirit of adding my weirdness in other facets. Remembering that everyone needs a way to express their inner weird... even if they are not going through the hell on my linked video(that is really just the bare minimum of what I am going through). I was unsure wreather of not to label this more adult but have decided to leave that up to parents. their are sometimes words said parents may not like their kids to hear and my shirts sometimes allow for cleavage... the following is as adult as it gets, so please enjoy.

While some may not consider that adult... because it was sung form the heart and taken form real life experiences... I debate my willingness to expose children to such things but also acknowledge that in life, you need to know what standing by truly does. and yes... I did it after ruining my weird face make up!

Oh yes, and my mic is pretty crappy, can't handle my pitch so it gets tough to understand some stuff, the refined lyrics are written down but this is the raw version. I figured a blog with coping and weirdness shoudl have it as such.... and while I do not enjoy submitting what I consider to be half finished work...  I promised myself I would be more "spontaneous"... obviously my spontaneous needs work. all I do is pretend to be such... in reality.... I have been scolded for thinking too much.