Saturday, February 18, 2012

eventful last couple days

I am back.

I was in the hospital, then had no electric and got 4 bucks for it by selling some stuff.

I have bruises on my legs... I keep on getting a fever(pesky) though it generally stays low grade so that is good.

I was picked up face down on the side of the road.

Hundreds of cars passed me by... I had been screaming and crying for miles.

I have chronic pain, arthritis, scoliosis, hip displatia... on leg shorter than the other. kinda a long list... but generally I live with it, and I definitely know my limits. I do not generally take any medications for this.. no, not even for pain.

They checked my brain... they checked my lungs... because that stuff can make people collapse.

Basically, a hospitals job is to make sure what is wrong won't kill you... when I was picked up the paramedics had to do that chest thingy where they push really hard... I am currently covering light bruising their, on my... "rack"(I do appreciate the effort to not cut my bra-it will heal-bra's in my size are expensive and I only have two store bought bra's... so yes I do understand) and on my legs(they didn't look their but... this has happened to me before with the leg bruising... even my husband couldn't really deny that... happened lots when I was pregnant and walked too far... basically I tore some muscles and they will heal-already have to some extent). They had to cut the sweater I was wearing... this sweater belonged to my mother. My mother has been dead since I was young... it was the last one. I used to have two and a t-shirt. I will be sewing this one up.... I am thankful they didn't cut the sweater more. Doing things thus kept my body from being seen too much and it kept the sweater more intact. This may sound bad but... those bruises are minor and will heal. the damage done to me by cutting even another shirt open like that would have been huge(and I can sew this one)... I am glad they didn't have to know I had been raped previously or had PTSD to think to keep me covered. I am not sure if they thought medical or just on principle... but I am thankful. I am glad that when I told them where I had been going and I was crying... I am glad they let me cry and sat quietly a moment to give me that. I wasn't just crying because I was in physical pain... though I think they could guess that. When they found out they made an effort to let me know that they had to touch me and I am very grateful. the one in the back kept putting my arm in his lap but I understand(doesn't mean I liked it...), my arm needed to be straight and their was no way in hell I was admitting I couldn't even hold my arm UP without holding something. This same one noted my hands were cold and were not warming up.

Lately I have lost a lot of weight but since I am eating just fine... and yes, balanced meals(noodles, spaghetti sauce with veggie's and sausage-was my breakfast... fruit is usually more involved as well-was later as well)... it can be attributed to stress. I am under enough stress even my hair is falling out when I bath... so yeah, my hair is thinner too. I haven't been feeling well... and ever since I was little I have been a bit "cold blooded"... in fact it caused health issues when I was little and I worry about my youngest as he seems to also be similar. I was on a medication for many years growing up that caused severe (and it is hard to get rid of mind you-for my health I tried more than once and eventually just settled on letting my body take care of it while I take care of my body) weight gain. I tried for years... I had lost about 80 pounds when I got pregnant with my oldest son... then an emergency c section and a second pregnancy right away... yeah, my body is no longer used to the strain I used to put it under. the point being with less weight so quickly my body has not adjusted yet to the decreased insulation. I already knew this so nobody worry, I take care of it here... it just means I have no choice but to turn on the heater. Some history. I at one point had to lean on a stroller to walk... but I remembered my physical therapy from when I had my hip surgery. Bolts and pins... I was told it would make sure I could keep walking longer into life. They were worried about the long term effects of the type I have... apparently it isn't "normal" for girls to get this version(I don't know anything about the other versions... so i don't know the difference and nobody ever explained it-but apparently even my body is "gender confused" and weird). I have pretty much accepted that one day I will be in a wheel chair. I know how to survive in one and take care of myself in one as well as others(did ppl really think that just cuz I was in a wheel chair I was cut a break-and I was popping wheelies int his thing so let me be blunt... I was anything but helpless and invalid in that thing-besides my grandmother wasn't JUST sick in the head and needed me... to take care of her too-I also worked in a church nursery while in it and attended school-even had myself going on the tough spots of the playground which took work and arm strength galore). I am not strong... but I am as stubborn as they come when I wish to accomplish something. I do not take pain medication. As I progress in life the pain isn't going to get better. It is going to get worse. My philosophy... if I hold out long enough... maybe the pain won't overwhelm me into a wheel chair. My scoliosis hasn't progressed in years so it leaves a hump on my neck mostly... and pokes my back out when I lay down. I didn't tell them that and my lack of ability to be idle so long was why I was so vocal about getting off of my back. Since I also haven't really grown much since age twelve... neither has my neck. Imagine how that neck brace felt... I am very VERY short. My neck is smaller... like a child's, in fact I have a necklace that is supposed to fit a little girl... my god sister gave it to me... it fits me. so lets just be clear... the only reason I could breath and wasn't panicking was lots of work done on my anxiety and lots of meditating. I believe one paramedic dealt with my little snap of impatience "it is called a flashback!"... I have been choked before. lets recap... ptsd is from trauma. Mine is "complex ptsd" as I was told in therapy. Complex ptsd means I went through trauma more than once... she specifically used the terms "as if you were a child raised in a war zone"... accept I was raised in America. Needless to say the crowd my grandmother associated with(I will go out on a limb and assume without my grandfathers knowledge-that and I don't want him hurt... he really did love her and he just stopped being so sad not too long ago... she is dead... otherwise my silence would still be kept, even in therapy) had something to do with some of these things at many points. I only lightly touch on them here just to let anyone reading know... I consider what i talk about minor and only scratching the surface... which is why around my children the subject is strictly forbidden. If I will not allow violent movies or stories... my past is also not to be discussed, around or near them... most curtainly not to them. when they are much older they will ask how mommy got a scar or something and hopefully the ones not faded now will be then... because I am nowhere prepared with any answer but "because some people are not sweet like you and they hurt others, so mommy got hurt." I have no idea what I would say next if either of them is ever as inquisitive as I was... no ideas for answering whatever question would come next. I even worry about if they are not sweet... though I can't imagine a day when I will see otherwise... I am odd like that and worry.

Seems I can't even type without going off about them, though usually I erase it... this time I leave it bare to see. I think about everything... past, present, future... and every thought has them in it... even the past, which is the toughest parts... especially when you don't know. when I knew... it wasn't so bad. now... it isn't so much me in my dreams anymore... but the horror of watching that happen to them... I must admit, beyond anything else, beyond my own survival, beyond friends, beyond anyone... my greatest fear... is that becoming a reality. I know those things can happen... so I fear them towards my children. I try to push them out and "think positive" but... a mothers worry is not so quietly pushed aside. My greatest tormentor is my own mind. reality gave my imagination too much ammo to use... instead of being in my past now... many times I am banging on the edge of my own dreams like glass... watching it happen to them, screaming but unable to be heard, running but never reaching them, and instead of my voice screaming it is theirs... every tear falls but never touches anything. the only one who hears my cries is me. they can't even hear me say "I am coming" "no run the other way" "get away from their", nobody can here me say "no! leave my boys alone!" "don't touch my children!" "Take me instead!" "NO! Fight back!" "No! don't trust them!" trust me... that is not even half of them. I stopped writing down my dreams long ago... who needs a dream journal to remember that? I don't... and I don't have to be able to interpret them to know they are my own inner torment as a mother.

I would go through everything ten times over if it kept them from this dream coming true... I have other nightmares too. nightmares where I am not allowed to hold my children ever again, here their room changes and everything turns to dust(yeah, the dust thing isn't something I am going to look into dream wise-I don't really wanna know as of now-maybe never will), where I turn around to see my sons fading from existence before my eyes... where I have someone show up and tell my my children are dead or missing, where that bastard who took my sister calls and says he has them too and is doing what he did to me(misunderstanding my ass-and he bragged about taking her, grandmother Moore said the ones in phoenix were supposed to get her-he took her from the funeral of grandmother Moore)... the list goes on and on. Trust me... it even goes so far as my children's eyes become like those or my parents and their hands become cold as death... and i have to stand off to the side and watch them be buried in the ground. Normally I would look in on them and be done with it... normally I would figure it out... but normally is something... I am as helpless as the invisible barrier that keeps eve my voice from reaching them in those twisted and sick dreams... may none of them ever come true... ever. Nobody should have to go through those things or feel those things... least of all my sweet little baby boys.

anyway, my personal struggle aside...

At the hospital I couldn't get warm... to be honest I was "in and out" a lot even in the ambulance... but when I got to the hospital it happened more... they did an MRI(I think that was what it was called) to make sure in falling nothing had happened. They made sure to check my lungs... all the big stuff. Now I kept on bugging about getting off of my back... if you read above the reason is obvious(you would too). add the sinus allergies... and their were times I was seriously having trouble breathing because of it... though they were nice enough to allow me to remove the neck thingy... throwing me into a flashback about curtain things... yeah, physical triggers are not so easy to keep it in your head, I was afraid I would "lose touch" with the present... that's a delicate way of putting it... and I figured out years ago how to avoid that level of such... I can even keep much at bay... but with all due respect... I never thought mimicking the feeling of being choked was going to be an issue. I had to restrain my memories right their as the paramedics were bringing me in. it was why I was so afraid... yeah, I am more afraid of the effects when I feel myself falling into my own minds person torment of the past than the past itself. I was afraid... what would happen with a physical anchor for that memory?

Sleeping pills... anything that causes drowsiness(that I have ever tried-never needed to knowing they were safe) causes me to sleep walk. I sleep TALK apparently but no, we are talking full blown enactment of whatever is happening in the dream. If I thrash or even want to, doesn't matter... nightmare or not. now if your me you have to consider... if you enacted whatever happened in your dreams... what could you do?

Even in my dreams I would never harm my children, though I fear what would happen if they were too close and I thrashed... yes, I think of these thing. need be I simply use a aroma based bath thing and make myself sleep that way... it works for me and keeps it to where I am not hurting myself by missing sleep... it also helps ebb the stress to a level that won't kill me... because stress can do so in such high levels... especially this kind of stress. good thing I am odd... work if... not a stressful thing to me. I spent lots of time today going to get 4 dollars... if I will spent half a day with the added things wrong with me and my hands feeling funny... I don't think anyone can say I am not willing to work hard... just saying. I didn't complain once either... though I tried to make it look like less.

anyway, while at the hospital... I watched others eat and drink once i was able to be not on my back. I assume they thought I wasn't shy when I needed something because I was very vocal about my impatience to get off my back... it hurt... no, I am not shy when in that much pain. the need was simply too much for such. due to previous experience that I didn't want to worry them about... I was too afraid to ask even for water. One of the nurses noticed I was dehydrated even after all the stuff they put in me... you know, the iv's... so she did another one... I was hungry and thirsty and... I was too afraid to say anything... and even more scared to admit that I was afraid to ask in the first place. The "social worker" didn't exactly help. even with two years of paper work(I was taking it with me to the place I was going) saying I had no dillusions and wasn't harm to myself or others... she still had the nerve to accuse one from last MONTH of not being recent enough... UG! Then she asked questions well out of the realm of being her business... must admit, at least she asked for proof... though asking specifics was WAY out of the things she needed to know... even the lady at the insurance company agreed. If this lady had continued I hope I could have gotten a hold of an advocate. yeah... thing is for this stuff I know who to get a hold of... just not how. I see a trend...-.-

I do not appreciate being so insulted... but at least she didn't do what others before her had done. a lesser evil I suppose. could have been worse. still... I hadn't eaten since 4 in the morning... I was thirsty, in pain... did she expect me to just roll over and be so stupid? As far as I know, answering those questions is against the law... she got THAT specific... like nitty gritty type stuff with the "where" question. excuse me... but people shouldn't even ask those questions and think that is OK. besides, I couldn't answer even if I was willing to... I don't know. hell if I was gonna give that lady a name... screw her. just putting it out their... the line between "doctor patient" or even "social worker and 'client'" was crossed... badly. Then I get to sit through the "suggestions"... that I NEVER agreed to listen to...-.- ..... did she not hear me when I spoke? let me quote myself... "My apartment is set up to handle me at my worst, I can take care of myself" I am better here anyway... my immune system is generally not great at keeping sickness out... though I don't think it is so bad at kicking it out after... just... who wants to risk it in a place like she was "suggesting"... basically because i couldn't walk(she didn't ask if I could lean on something-which I could-she assumed that I either couldn't or was lying-an insult to me-I would tell her if I was lying... makes me a really bad liar-seriously) she wanted me to go to physical therapy "for a couple days"... uh no. More anxiety and other such issues... how is that supposed to help? it wouldn't and I guarantee the stress would be too much in of itself. My apartment is set up so that I can handle things here... opposite of wheelchair accessible as it may be... that actually helps. when I was pregnant I was told not to lift anything so heavy as my oldest... stupidest thing a doctor has ever told me. with all due respect, not only do babies kinda need to be lifted to get them from point a to point b(though I had to get creative in many instances... even resorting to a stroller at some points to make it easier), but even jobless my husband left me to attend most of these alone... did this guy REALLY think he was going to be all supportive and all that great stuff? let me answer that for you, no. things needed done. I was going to get them done... though I did minimize the actual lifting as best as I could... kinda had to actually.... my body was making the rules... I couldn't lift him, and yes, I cried over it. I felt like a bad mom for not being able to lift him... carry him... I still lifted him minimally... but... I think moms out their know what I am saying. the same went for when rohan was born... I felt guilty about not being able to give sole attention to one or the other... wondered if rohan was getting less than rowan had... wondered if rowan was getting enough... wondered if I was somehow showing favoritism by worrying over this... I am a mom. to me... these worries are an occupational hazard that will be had and dealt with. I know how to cope... I have many a therapy regime memorized... *roles eyes*... my memory is good, my anxiety scatters my brain for awhile.

I am home and safe... but i fear something. with all these people claiming I am mental... I am afraid to go to the doctors, I jump when sirens go off, I am wondering at ever sound... because apparently they don't have to prove it and to be honest... I am sick and tired of others telling me I am nuts. the doctors can't even "decide" if I need medications. after over an hour and a half... and yeah, I missed the one today that I scheduled to try and set up a steady thing to show... I also wanted to go on act team to show a steady bit as well... last I heard I was on it... they do not do their end of that. as my lawyer said... "the act team would be great if they actually came out and checked up on you like they are supposed to"... unless they just decided to tell me I was on it and really were lying... wouldn't surprise me. *yawn* same old same old really... nothing surprises me anymore... accept kindness. the hospital wasn't so bad as the last time... though to be honest I hate going anyway, I hated it even before I was afraid... but the hospital itself doesn't scare me... merely what I have learned to expect. that last time wasn't the first... and hopefully this won't be the last time they do their job if ever I need it ever again. the thing is... this won't go away over night and no medication can wipe this from memory... only time can heal these wounds left on my heart.

that hospital though... even the "assistant" in charge person(tired, it is getting late... actually it is 5:00am... I am late on homework because of this so I am multitasking as I must do as of now... even if only due to the anxiety caused by all this recent stuff... again-no not the hospital-while someone having a bad opinion of you is annoying-them doing their job is much more important to me).

I had to go get some money to put on power... my case manager was talking down to me... like always. I am generally very tolerant of this disrespect and blatant disregard for our equality as living beings who happen to hold the inherent "human" thought process... but she seems inherently intent on talking to me like that really annoying elementary school teacher who seems to think talking to a kid like a "cute puppy" is cute and anything but annoying to the kid... yeah no. their is a reason why as a kid, I liked the teachers who got on my level... and talked to me like I was a living breathing person who wasn't stupid. when you listen to kids they are pretty amazing in what they realize.. the point being, she was talking to me-a grown woman- like that. that just somehow makes it worse... then she has the nerve to tell me I am the one getting an "attitude" with her... after the last few days my tolerance is minimal, my reserves for bullshit are fried, and my will to hide things so those who work at these places can save their precious feelings from being stepped on but are allowed to essentially speak to me like I am stupid... that bothers me, I need time to recover before I put up with that and I also need to finish my homeowner tonight(wait... it is morning... OK, today)... with everything going on... and my fever as of current(not too bad-had a low grade since I got back from the hospital-and BTW, the longer I was their the colder I got... it got harder and harder to stay awake... I couldn't stay awake-then I realized it was cuz I was cold and used some tricks I have had to use before when I was growing up -my room was the only one without insulated windows-to my knowledge that room still lacks them(...)-so I used different techniques to try to stay as awake as possible... since I couldn't get warm I just decided to sit in the chair and focus on hunger pains... focusing on pain(and with all due respect, I choose least pain possible) instead of blocking it out with mediation generally works... but whatever doctor walked up and questioned me about my "are you always like this?" in reference to that... did I really need to point it out to him? did I look in any condition TO point it out to him? apparently I must have.. even though when I couldn't stay concious with a male standing in front of me(again ptsd... I have been raped before just to let you know so that is one of my issues-rape-me not being instantly aware in that circumstance isn't normal for me), is when I realized something was wrong... then i realized I had like 4 blankets and was still shivering and felt REALLY cold... you learn to recognize it after enough times(covering my bases here but just letting whoever reads this know-it has been a long time since I had to feel that way so I didn't recognize it right away... I didn't think i would ever feel like that again)... the point being... not sure how to explain it but here goes... when your cold you can kinda still feel warmth in your stomach and insides... I couldn't. That means... don't sleep. when i am cold I sleep more... and I had been outside since (I checked) about 4:30... so... I walked from near 51st and Bethany home road... taking backstreets and getting turned around several times... all the way up to about half a block away from Peoria high school. This is so far past my limits... I knew I wasn't going to make it but I had to try... I just had to. I wanted to make it... even if I knew my body couldn't handle it... it I hadn't of fallen a second time... I would have.  no, I didn't make it where I was going... but what besides raw determination to get their got me as far as I got? by the end of the second mile I was in agony... didn't take long after that for me to allow myself the weakness to cry and scream small bits... by the time I reached Thunderbird and something(couldn't see it, didn't ask, didn't know the area-had to ask directions and it was mentioned) I was so tired and in pain I was about to drop... at Peoria ave... I did drop. it was about 27th and Peoria I think... their were some people around. A couple people doing work at the Walgreen's in the landscape, an old lady, a man across the street, even a lady on a bike passed me.

Right past that milestone I dropped because I had already pushed myself so hard that when I dropped my book and paperwork envelope thingy... my legs couldn't hold me standing when I bent over. to be honest... I didn't think I was going to make it and was pretty sure I had reached my end to it their. I tried... even ended up crawling at the end... though I didn't make it very far, though I was pretty determined, I even bent up my paper work to stuff it in my bag... my greatest flaw at times is my pride, being to prideful to ask for help... being too prideful to "look" weak... I don't think anyone has any idea how humiliating that was to even attempt... but for me(especially sine it was freshly repaired pride after some stuff), it wasn't an option not to do so. Most likely, over a hundred cars passed me by, saw me stumble, maybe even heard me scream(though still I can't scream loud, found a few notes I still can't hit after that first hospital visit, imagine that-.-)... who knows, the point is... well the point is that I just think that speak in of itself what kind of world we really live in. no way in hell will I even think to hold a illusion my distress wasn't obvious. I nearly dropped more than once, stumbled... lets cover this, I was beyond hiding it LONG before I failed to stop myself from falling that first time... let's not forget the blisters on the bottom of my feet. No matter how hard I try it seems callouses are bent and determined to not build up... so lets recap on what a blister feels like spreading on the bottom of your foot while your walking. it hurts.

I am not going to lie here... and am telling the truth... but I must confess, I do not know what is so bad about the truth being told that when i speak it so many act like I should be lying. is it really so horrible a thing to face? that confuses me.

as for my case manager with southwest network... I want a new one and have every intent on asking on Monday. she has no "understanding" and no respect for me as a PERSON. I don't want her to bow at my feet... I will settle for not being spoken to like a small, unintelligent creature that belongs under her foot.

I tried to explain empower to her... I ran out of electricity the day I went into the hospital. I tried to explain the "grace period" empower does so that if you lose power between curtain hours your not screwed. I tried to explain the "reset" thing that lasts for short periods and is kinda a "make sure the food in the fridge doesn't go bad and their is enough time to cook something or maybe take a shower or... well something important" thing... instead she acted like I was either stupid or lying. first off, the first one is just insulting since she couldn't even extend her "understanding" for this simple concept(and yes-I used equally small words-but wasn't mean-my explanation was simple-amazing what some do not understand) of empower and how it works. so yeah, I will call the place that deals with empower(SRP) to talk to them about "resources" that I had spoken to them about earlier, or I will sell things here... but I will be damned if I will sacrifice my dignity with my pride when I ask for help... by crawling to her for it, not that I pretty much haven't already but(actually I feel like I am just trying to make myself feel like I have dignity at this point-again, I am glad to the paramedics for that one)... the thing is... her actions of treating me in such a way where even telling her it is such pisses her off and makes her miss high and mighty... let me just point one thing out, that doesn't show me she is trying in any way shape or form to treat me anything even resembling a human being. that shows me she sees me as less than a dog and a helluva a lot stupider than one too(actually I think dogs are pretty smart but I was referencing how some people act-and yes their are acceptions to every rule).

In my experience, her actions at that point generally mean... not so great things for me. no, not from her actions alone... many people in the past contributed to this learning.

A woman with her attitude doesn't belong in her job... but when it comes between her and a good worker I bet you the good one who is actually respectful to clients will be passed up and now... I vote for the good worker.... not that it matters... perhaps they will hire more good, intelligent workers.


my left leg took a hit harder than my right... personally my theory is it is because it takes more generally due to the limp that favors my other side.

Now, I am going to go get a couple hours of sleep and set an alarm because I am too not well to even attempt to think for my school work. in fact, most of this is automatic stuff... I am too tired to think of it...

if you read that... with all due respect... go look in my old posts. I might add the link later. -.-

tired... going to go take care of self so can function... and yeah, I have to do this while having nightmares... of what they can do to me for pissing them off at the mental health site. and yes... I do have nightmares of times people have decided my basic human rights are null... funny how mental health does that the most... isn't it?

oh yeah... I wanted to apologize to my last nurse at the hospital. she was nice and other than that social worker I really had no problems. The things I was too shy to say are my fault for not saying... they were great. that last one... by that point I hadn't eaten, I am PMSing, I wasn't exactly feeling at my best as far as my pain level went... and to be perfectly honest... that social worker put me in a place I am used to being... on the defensive. Her job isn't what I can't stand... I have met workers in much different circumstances who I didn't mind... it was the way she was as HER, so lets get that straight... with everything the way it was... sorry for snapping at you(if you ever read this). I know you were trying to help and I know you didn't know I could take care of myself in such a condition... because you meant well and meant no harm... because you didn't seem to be on the wild hunt that worker was on but somehow got me less than a minute after conversing with her... sorry I snapped. those may be why but... why isn't actually an excuse, just a reason. my actions were still my own... thanks for putting up with me... yeah, not pleasant at times like that... but... that is really no excuse to snap at someone who was just... well... didn't deserve it.

as for my mental health worker... no apologies for you(if you read this-I am inserting this as well), I was taught not to say sorry when I don't mean it. I don't mean it and you completely deserved it. I didn't even snap at you... I responded in a semi normal(normal would have been much more extreme-and yes normal person normal not the way I grew up normal) manner... It wasn't disrespect and furthermore, why should I respect where I am not given even the right to be talked to like a human being? "don't correct me" seriously?! and she proceeded to call that disrespect... *points to dearer* kiss it. Now THAT is disrespect, correcting you after you make crude and rude comments and assumptions and crazy talk about something as simple as empower after YOU asked for an explanation... now that isn't disrespectful. That is what happens when two adults have a conversation and one decides to act like a jerk, the other one has the right to let them know and set them straight... I said it before, I won't be walked on anymore. I let my husband talk to me much worse than that... I dealt with worse than you... I am refraining from saying words that will make a sailor blush because that is what I wish to say right now... but that would be an insult to female dogs. I may not get the entire thing with the words themselves being bad but I can work around it... I know the definition, and therefore hold the capability to be a smart-dearer with them as I am being now. to me it may all be the same... but this is what I live with, where others saying it is different words is OK just cuz they didn't use other words.

  Their... now nobody can ever mistake what I have said... and to the best of my knowledge... it is pretty tough to misquote a recording or blog as it can simply be read back.

one more thing... ugly or not... I display it all proudly because it is, at least, me.

because of what she did, I now am wondering which nightmare I will have tonight... probably know which set of memories it will come from... I know my triggers that well... and I wonder... how else will I pay for this?

what else will they do to me and mine?

what next... dare i even ask?

oh goodness... I hope I didn't jinx it.


PS: I will blog about some awesome people I met later...I just kinda needed to get that out now... it will help me relax just enough... to get a bit of rest before tackling everything I need to for the day.

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