Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I disagree-valentines

I disagree with what is said in this article... kids can't "ruin" valentines day... only make it more... sweet.

I tried to leave this comment but it wouldn't go.

*clears throat* I brought my oldest home on valentines day. I got the two days mixed up oops.. now I feel like a bad mom... I just got done dealing with an email to him and have been stressing and not really slept this night so... please forgive me when I say this... when I brought rowan home my husband was happy but when I brought rohan home he turned on his own family. ug... I should have gotten some rest last night... I feel woozy... but I gotta be ready to go soon.... can't fall asleep.

so the below was actually in December... and the holiday in question that year was Christmas... all this brainstorming for different seasons ornaments really screwed up my brain... ug... I am allowed to be embarrassed! *face-palm* even with a normally great memory... I mixed up the two most perfect moments in my life(minus the first time I saw their faces and... well you get the idea) so... I fee like a bad mom. erring that... I should know this by heart by now... Saturday was rowans second birthday.

spent lots of sleepless nights with both boys... but still... mixing things up makes me feel like a bad mom... OMG! I dont' think today is going to be one of my best... I have been up since yesterday morning and I have been sick... luckily I am not THAT sick anymore but...I hope I don't forget anything today... can't find the mittens...  ug... been moving stuff around so organizing my husbands stuff(he is coming to get it) doesn't make everything a complete disaster... and now I can't FIND tons of stuff... *mimes pulling out hair* as if I needed another reason to fret.

no flowers, no nothing from my husband(accept hearing him gripe about how he was all up in his crap about me should have waited so he could have "more time to clean"~play video games as he was doing most of the time when i called to check in~-he promised me cleaning and diner... I had just had a c section... i took care of the kids and didn't put my own foot down until about 3 days later when I had had enough whining from ALL sides-BTW I had a huge mess to clean up as it wasn't done or even started though he had in fact been over run by our then 10 month old-now that was funny-did make diner though-however with all due respect had he not been playing a video game and had he actually tried to clean a bit i would have only laughed instead of been hurt by a broken promise-dishes from the day I went in were still in the sink and nothing was cleaned up from when I left to when I got back... imagine how I felt and of course beyond that I was worried about safety and sanitary issues) but my oldest was their and he was happy to see me... still... that was the best valentines day I have ever had to date(with my two kids-even with the HIM-and our roommate kept on making sure I got a replay of every gift she ever got and how much it had meant to her~her own version of salt in the wound I suppose, especially after I asked her to cease rubbing it in my face~and he knew I would have been happy with just the enough cleaned so it wasn't harder than usual so it hurt even more). now one I had when I was a kid... me and my brother decided to give my mom breakfast in bed. my brother cooked the cereal... it wasn't the kind to be cooked but he microwaved it... by the time we were done their was burnt toast(he buttered it and yes she ate it), EXTRA crispy bacon... orange juice with peal in it(we thought it would increase the flavor and be better for her... kid logic-he was five, I was 7 and though it was his idea it somehow made sense to me-again, kid logic), and a carrot on the side because she wore glasses and our grandfather told us carrots helped eye-site(she didn't like wearing glasses...). that one was pretty good too. BTW... she ate it... accept the cereal... sorry bro but curdled milk in supposed to be cold cereal gives people very bad stomach aches(not that she didn't end up with on anyway-she tried to eat some and put on the "face")... hehehe.  a good memory... neither of us wanted to crush my brothers spirit about it... and he honestly couldn't tell the difference between oatmeal and cold cereal...  he was five. we also snuck up and unplugged her alarm clock... and asked the only "Adult" we could think of(our godmother) to dial the phone to her boss at work... we "mommy can't come in today."... our neighbor(godmother too) was very amused... she proceeded to explain what we had done so she wouldn't get into trouble... we kidnapped mom for valentines day. we even had a ransom... we wanted our mom home for that Saturday. apparently it was cute enough her boss not only forgave her(but warned her it better not happen again) but sent her home that Saturday. I gotta say though... still even with all that went wrong I honestly treasure the one with my own children all the more. that night my oldest fell asleep on my leg,  my youngest fell asleep on my chest... and I fell asleep propped up on stuffed animals on their bedroom floor... a kid book on my forehead and a blanket draped around all of us... one cat in by my somehow not previously occupied side and one stole my shoulder... the dog had even gotten in their... and one by morning those dishes were done and breakfast was made... so to his credit my soon to be ex husband did try a little after the fact... but I would prefer the "this is my sorry for..." as their never should have been a sorry to begin with. trust me... it was bad. UG! but yeah... still my best valentines ever... how it ended was the best... how the next day began was with a back ache, pain from the surgery(and not taking it easy like I was told to) and our roommate helping me with the kids while my husband did the dishes and took his "time away"... personally I found that rather unfair. in his defense when I could take no more and our roommate nearly ripped him a new one... I was sat on the couch, told to stay put, and treated like a queen... again with two little ones attached... he still sighed when I asked for help off the sofa though... apparently he expected that to just up and stop after I had the baby... nope. I wasn't about to tear my stitches just cuz he wanted things to go faster.

come to think of it... after that was when the other trouble started.

*sigh* apparently I supposedly deserved it... I denied him because I was healing and tired... most times I took care of the kids by myself(but if I absolutely needed help our room ate was nice enough)... my husband didn't even wanna get a job. I would have been OK with doing everything if he just had a reason besides video games and sleeping all damn day... or going to the library... OMFG! we didn't need movie rentals(we had plenty anyway) we needed him to get off his ass and stop saying he was "Afraid" my my stitches would re open... always an excuse, and if he was so afraid my stitches would open... it shouldn't have been just me those first days while he complained about how soon I came home.

with all due respect... even picking a weed off of the highway and offering it as a gift would have made the situation better... at least then it would have shown thought and caring in some manner.

he changed the day we found out our youngest wasn't a girl but a boy... my sweet husband kept reminding me and acting like it would change or the doctors could have been wrong... and stopped loving his wife and spending time with his family... all over our son not being a girl.

who does that?

if I hadn't been told to stay by someone who was part of something I fear... well let me put it to you this way, that first time my husband raped me I started trying to figure out how to get both me and the kids out safely.

I didn't hear about women's shelters till later on and well... by then I was trying to stay for the kids by what that lady told me to do... because the suggestion was their of what would happen if I didn't.

now I don't care "why" he did it... but at the same time i do. I wouldn't change those children for all the gold int he world... but he would.

now that hurt.

not all of that was the post... I kinda started reading it to check my spelling and whatnot and my fingers kinda go away with me so... rest assured that is an honest truth... automatic writing included... the kind that comes from ones self.

I am a bad mom... I can't even focus only on one of my kids... but... does it make it bad that i love them the same and am still kind hurt about what happened. my life is about my kids... the blog is about me... yet i feel selfish for that. I won't change it... everyone needs something for themselves... but it doesn't change how I feel.

Also doesn't change the fact I am terrified of when my husband comes.


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