Thursday, March 29, 2012


I am going to delete many posts before this... well not delete but make unavailable...

same thing for anyone not me.

I honestly might just start over... going to include my vids and language using attempts... and my copy write stuff in the stuff that is kept... I have been trying to give such some thought lately... what is good for blogging and what is not...

On the bright side I wasn't actually late last time I thought I was late to something. I was early. It is a trick I use to help me stay on time even when I become overly used to a routine. Basically... I keep telling myself that it is earlier and when tired of emotionally distressed... I don't think about it and my first reaction is to go with the earlier time... I am typically more concious of it... so that bodes just how upset I was... but yeah... lame but it is what it is.

Nothing short of EVERYTHING going wrong possible can make me either not be one time or be late... which is what happened with my walmart interview... everything went wrong and I was sick, previously injured... and kinda lightheaded.

anyway, will delete in a couple of hours. for now I need to go "lick my wounds" so to speak... moving hurts... walked a bit today... and I got burned by the sun... and I was already sick... and.... yeah.


bye bye!


If I still have internet later I will keep looking to see if anything should be taken out.  I am doing my best to try and see when too much or such is posted... wish me luck with that.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012


Gomen nasia minasan.

sazo burookunhaato.

burookunhaato hekotareru


koyonakuaisuru wagako

enishi abijigoku




eimin hoshigaru

akirametsuku enmei

inakunaru genson

onegaidekimasuka ai mimamoru itooshii kichou wagako


Japanese, non kanji(probably really badly done-sorry)

Saturday, March 24, 2012


"The struggle of life becomes most obvious before the will to do so leaves"

remember that.


Wednesday, March 21, 2012


Not everything goes into this blog. Their is much that will never be said here or even in my online diary... maybe someday in my written one.

I walked from around 9 miles between last night and today........ I even applied at the place I was suggested to apply at. Turned out to be a couple of factories. If I am willing to do insane walks that have my legs bruised and my body in a helluva lot of pain more than usual... why wouldn't I be willing to work hard in a factory or whatnot? *honest logic*

Had my interview at Starbucks this afternoon... won't know if I got it for another week... I hope I did.

I also hope I got the walmart one... but I honestly am not holding my breath. Just because you want something doesn't mean you get it. It just means you WANT to get it.

I need to log on tonight... for my tarot reading.

I am about to lose everything... so... if I don't post for awhile... wish me luck.


Monday, March 19, 2012


I have been studying my math... but am still not at the level to be in the class I am in. I started from scratch. funniest part... doing math in my head on a basic level comes naturally to me(though I am not quick about it)... and I never paid it any mind... just kinda took it as being able to suddenly do simple stuff I do know in my head.

on medication even 2+2=4 was written down because my brain couldn't process it.

I am good on my addition, subtraction... and I can do basic multiplication and division(very basic on division, I still dumb it down in my head and use visuals)... basically I can apply it to life but am useless in a classroom for it.

-.- So I have been learning fractions and now have a solid understanding of decimals(besides money)... lets just say I am nowhere near being able to comprehend the question "what is the square root of pie" let alone anything else... hell I just learned my fractions! I couldn't retain anything on medication... but math was the worst because it requires me to place all of my attention on it and have a sharp mind... dull witted on medications...... I didn't get it. I couldn't get it. it was frustrating.

 My spanish is going good too... I kinda have an idea of some things I see written thus... not enough to do anything important without being able to look it up... but I am rather proud of myself.

I haven't gotten in any actual art classes yet so... all of my stuff is pretty raw... and the "digital bookshelf" is down so much that it is pretty much useless.... but I have this old math book..... and I have been looking stuff up online... so I hope to get better at it. even if I never need it... because at one point I couldn't I wanna do it because I can. ^-^ I wanna know what it is like to solve a detailed math problem and not get confused when people talk about math. I am over the "omg! this was caused by the medications too?!" and have gone straight to "this is so cool!" now I just have to figure out how to learn. I think I saw this guy on YouTube who was teaching it.... I might go their and try his system for it... better to be bored than not know at all.



pain is not something I like.

when faced with something that may make me break down in tears I have to harden myself and focus on another emotion... this doesn't always bode well... o such subjects that make me face lies head on like you woudl the truth... considering the bullshit and lies I had to put up with(my grandfather is also a grade a full of shit carton of crap most days-at least where regarding me-I shouldn't have to check and cross reference what family tells me)... I can't stand lies and honestly don't know what to do when forced to.

I also do not deal with others emotional distress the same way. I am the type of person who cries with the one who has had loss but not at the same time or in the same room. I go do so later when I am alone. in person I come off a bit...different.

their exist no right words when someone has lost something so precious as a loved one, be they adult or child... born or unborn... so... their are no right words. you can only be their in any way you can and let them know it. sometimes people need a reminder you are their... but their are no right words, only right actions. the words are only a comfort to you... it is the actions that speak louder... the words do however, let them know and remind them you care and later on if said with sincerity and combined with actions will be remembered in their hearts... too many people give empty words in condolences.

I may have come across as course... but... I truly simply wish to just let her know I am their for her.


On another note, I have two job interviews.... not just one. walmart and Starbucks. ^-^

I was about to excitedly post when I found out. I wish she didn't have to feel that pain... but I will not be stopped from being happy about this. it is simply put... which emotion I decide to focus on that matters. I have to focus on the excitedness. I can deal with my empathic nature on my "own" time... though it is a bit too strong to hide completely.

stupid thing. I asked an old friend how to handle getting over my husband-BC he got over some girl he dated and truly loved(to the point he stalked her and kept tabs on her-I would never date him-but he does that to everyone he knows in some form-usually not personally, just asks around and compiles info on you... personally I think he shoudl work for the FBI... they stalk people legally... so... but he did pretty much destroy himself over that break up so I asked him how)... the........ that... GAH! that ********** told me I am too compassionate and too nice. I need to learn how to be uncaring... when I disconnected myself it was too little caring, when I can't it is too much. Is their some middle ground I don't know about? you either care or your don't. besides... I don't think I can ever hate anyone I once loved so deeply. I still can't even hate my grandmother and she did many things to me. I do still love my husband and things kinda still hurt a bit... but they call it healing for a reason. it still hurts and is a deep wound in my heart. however... "love stretched too far breaks"--------- the more times you hurt someone or push too far, the more you stretch their love, and it doesn't make it stronger. eventually that love breaks. I will never hate him... and lingering feelings do remain... however i suspect the lingering feelings have something to do with the fact we have children.

I don't think you can hate someone you once loved or do love... but I could be wrong. I have never been able to hold on to hateful feelings anyway.

happy things... job interviews! so.. business casual.... black but nice jeans(also durable for hard work XP)... hm.... gotta do some laundry tonight and make sure I have proper attire clean.

life has both sadness and happiness in it. even where no reason exists to smile and laugh one must find one or like a flower with no sunlight... the heart wilts and dies... however unlike the body a heart is like a phoenix... it can be brought back to life. it is simply just never the same.

I hope I get those jobs. actually if all goes well... I might end up with both of them... I am focusing on the optimistic side... usually I am a realist and am neither a pessimist or an optimist... but just looking at facts and such... hell, my budget it itemized, organized, categorized... I am logical. I am typically a realist... but today I choose to be an optimist. worst case I get neither job... and even one can be categorized as "best case"... but... I choose to say "what if I get both jobs?" because to me... that would be awesome!

yeah... the thought gives me warm fuzzies... so yay! ^-^ today I am an optimist because I choose to be. realism can kiss my over-sized buttocks! reality sucks... give me optimism! nobody can be all logic all the time........ and it is definitely a pleasant thought process.



JOB INTERVIEW!!!!!! *excited* 


Sunday, March 18, 2012

Hold my Hand


*clear throat*


my vid.... oh yeah, and I remembered I have a couple of vids I tried my hand at animation with. this is by far my best.... at least I think so.



     Figured out how to get my flash files formatted to load on You-Tube but the background color is apparently non negotiable unless I can figure out how to change it. the file is only a couple second shy of being a full minute and I am rather proud of myself despite the not so greatness of the art. I wish to load it before the day it gone. Since the way I have to do it involves loading it into yet another program first... I am going to use that program to add music to it... music of my own composition. sorry, I don't own an instrument and even if I did I would have to sell it.

I have not spent oodles of time on this video and a lot less than I would have liked at that. It is my first video done in completion, entirely flash animated and entirely hand done... well mouse done(a very sticky and annoying mouse that was responsible for many a mistakes I had to fix). I have spent minimal time on it... but I am just putting finishing touched on it now, probably the most time consuming part. It is something enjoyable to do while awaiting calls from work. Ah... that would be the fucked up part... I work over the phone but was unable to pay my phone bill... my job honestly doesn't generate enough income and while tarot reading over the phone is a good secondary income... it is not really good for paying all the bills.

almost done, will put it either in this post or the next one.

the most time consuming part is waiting for my computer to unfreeze every-time the program is too much for it.  my old computer... *pats computer fondly* I have had her since about freshman year in high school.... i think that's about right... I was 14 I think.... now I am 23. I keep on forgetting about that. I have always felt old... one day doesn't make me feel any older than I already do. crappy past will do that to you, ya know.

anyway... back to the finishing up... xp

wait... is this my first video with animation or my second? does making a bunch of odd drawings and using only effects to make it semi interesting on  windows movie maker and posting it to YouTube count as my first animation or does this? *shakes head* I don't know.


Saturday, March 17, 2012


I have this blaring question in my brain... it is stupid but much easier to focus on than all the tough crap I am going through.

What is a "sub"?


Then it struck me... I have play lists of vids I like for whatever reason............... is that a sub?

But they are honest likes........ I honestly like them. if I don't like a vid I don't say anything or put it in a list and move on with my life. If I like it..... I put it on a list. some vids end up(on accident) on more than one list. I usually stick with amv's... never sure if blogging people would appreciate something like that.

My favorite blogs are done by Mr. safety... the one with Sparta and Loki, Cory.... katers 17 is usually pretty funny too. not always my thing, sorry. actually discovered Cory cuz I had my computer on and my son came over and played with the mouse before I could get to it... it was an accidental click and it actually got him to sit still... the mean kitty song. easiest way in the world to get dishes done... turn on mean kitty. of course I always explained that those are actually nice kitties... who were mean and scratched sometimes. We have two kitties and my oldest has this obsession, his first word was even "kitty".... he loves cats. ^-^

alternate channels exist for both of those.

My other favorite blog is The greatest ever... link 

he seems pretty nice and well.... to be honest I don't really watch many blogs. 




girl: I am sad. so much happened. My family hates me.

girl's family: We don't hate you, now go tell someone who cares and shut up while we hurt you. SOMEONE GIVE HER MEDICATIONS TO SHUT HER UP!

society: we are sure your family loves you! OMG! a kid who came to school dirty!

mental health system: the fault is with you, heres a pill to cure your feelings. don't stop taking it or bad things will happen and we will make you continue taking them anyway.

unnamed group: we can only help if someone says something.
girl:   someone help me. the pills don't make me better, they add problems.

girls family:    but we like you this way, you complain less.

girl: why do you hate me?

girls family: we don't hate you. we just do actions that either indicate hate or that you are not worth iether emotion on a regular basis because we love you. we like the things you see and hear because they make you easier to make OUR toy! you are our toy because we love you!
girl: Someone help me. the pills don't make me better, they add problems.

society: Since your on the pills we assume you need them and will not help as we do not think their is any need to help. Why should we help?

girl: Why would you assume I need them just because I am on them? why won't you help?

society: because the people who prescribe them have a piece of paper saying they are certified to decide that so they must know something we don't. besides, if you need help you should turn to your family.

girl: ........... they wont help.

society: then their must be no problem.

girl:.............. it is useless to continue this.

society: OMG someone who is using a parenting method I DON"T like or a person I hate! Must. put my nose in and push my opinion!

girl: don't you think this is wrong?

society: *ignores girl*

girl......... this is so screwed up.

society: WHAT?!!!! *reports girl to mental health system for not agreeing with them but words it in a way that makes the problem not with what they do*

girl: this is wrong.

society: your just crazy.


society: we don't have to listen to you because you are crazy.

girl: *runs to a place she knows will never be home where she is hurt*
Girl: I don't want to be here.

mental health system: That is because your judgement is clouded.

girl: I don't want to be here because I don't need to be and never had any...

girls family: *cuts girl off* Give her more medication. she has everything you told us about. pay no attention to that fact that she is a child who can speak for herself, only listen to us.

girl: *tries to speak up but goes unheard*

mental health system: of course. you can't expect the girl to tell us what is wrong. as her family you obvious know her better and thus we will ignore the obvious signs of abuse that we should have called someone the moment we saw. we will ignore that you have a reason and members of our crew and everyone else will take the same stance as general society.

girl: is held in place as medications are forced down throat when defies them and all please fall on ears attached to mouths saying "your crazy, you need this. doctors can't make mistakes."*
girl:    please stop hurting me.

girls family:    hush. nobody is hurting you, now hold still while we do actions we will deny later but will show up on your skin and in your mind for the rest of your life. pay attention to the dillusions because after we are done we will blame those.

girl: I don't want dillusions. can't you just take me off of the things that make me have them? the things I see and hear are scary and horrible! Isn't life hard enough?

mental health system:    you came here to us asking for help and now you must take what we give you. it is us who decides what help is. you must be lying as our help could never hurt anyone and since previous history exists... I can't believe you. I have to believe your family and these records.

girl: I never wanted this and never came here asking for help! I want help getting away from here!

mental health system: here is another pill, now shut up crazy girl.
girl: ................

girls family: *does various horrible acts to girl like in beginning but is happier knowing girl will never be believed because girl has a label* why won't your difference leave you?! no matter how many times we beat you, it won't go away!

girl:................ difference? but I thought I was just like everyone else.

girls family: we don't hate you. we hate the way you were born. we are sure you are perfectly great without it.

girl: but I have never been without whatever it is. it is part of me.

girls family: until you are like us we will never love you.

girl: I don't want to be like you. I don't want to hurt people! this is wrong!

girls family: *beats girl within inch of life and does other atrocious acts knowing that during summer vacation no school the next day will see it*

mental health system: if you don't tell us the problem we can't help.

girl: last time I tried to tell you you made matters worse and didn't listen.

mental health system: we won't do it again, we promise.

girl: that's what you always say.

mental health system: then we will talk to your family and end up making matters worse anyway.

girl: ...........!!!!!!!!! NO!

mental health system: yes? do you finally want to be here?

girl: no.

mental health system: we can only help you if you want to be helped and must make you wish for our help that is not help.

girl: it doesn't matter what I say, you will never listen.

mental health system: oh we listen, and it does matter. we just reserve the right to hear whatever we want to in your words and turn to your family when we can't misinterpret.

girl: I am not gonna talk to you anymore.

mental health system: why?

girl: because my family shouldn't be in here.

girls family: yes we should. oh doctors she needs help, please give her more pills!


society: oh look, it's a girl who is not like us!

girl: ................................

society: speak to us girl!

girl: *remembers promise about brother and can't keep being quiet* I hate you.

society: what? why?

girl: if I tell you, you will just do it again.

society: oh, so no reason. teenaged angst then. OMG! some celebrity has just killed herself due to our horrible words and judgments! We must find fault in her behavior and tragic choices completely forgetting we are the reason she did it!

girl:....... this is wrong.

society: *ignores girl*


girls family: speak.

girl: their is nothing worth saying.

girls family: your mother was a whore and your daddy was an alcoholic.

girl: no they were not. my mom was kind and listened even if she hated what was being said and my dad was the strongest, most honorable person alive!

girls family:   no. he rescued her from us and had to die.

girl: they would have never done this to me!

girls family: we are not them.

girl: can't stop crying.

girls family: we will give you a reason to cry.

girl: *keeps crying knowing that even if she stops the reason will be given because weakness was shown*

girls family: defective child. *gives girl a reason to cry*

girl: *unconscious*

girls family: we will have to have them put her on medications. can't have her continuing to have her own mind now can we?


mental health system:.....................

girl: *pretends she is fine*

mental health system: *makes no changes*

girl: *thinking "at least they didn't make it worse this time"*

girl: years of therapy to talk about my past... and nobody wants to believe it. oh well.

society: your crazy. we never ignore anyone who needs us. we just think everyone elses business is our own.

unnamed group: you will become like them. stop talking about it and we may allow you the right to family. we will make sure you never have it.

girl: but I can't! the silence is too much!

society: go to therapy. they will help you.

unnamed group: go to therapy and go back to the hell that was your life growing up. it is not cared what it does to you, merely that it is socially acceptable that since you have a diagnosis that you must be on pills. it is not cared that you will become suicidal and see/hear dillusions, and it doesn't matter that you think this is wrong. we think this is right and we will accuse you of not understanding because since you have a diagnosis, we can.

girl: I hope that one day karma bites you in the ass! please somebody help me!

society group 1: we can't help. we will pay for it if we do.

society group 2: must deserve it. won't even look closely.

society group 3: unknown thoughts but content to do nothing while pretending to be helpful in some capacity and hindering instead.

girl: Please help!

unknown group: destroys everything girl worked so hard to get in a good place and ransacks life saying because they are who they are they can do whatever they want.

girl: STOP IT! someone please help! someone please make them stop it! this is wrong!

unknown group: resistance is futile. we always win.

girl: stop! NO! THIS IS WRONG!

unknown group: do everything we say and you can live your feeble  life with a tiny hope we will put things back as they should be but we live to destroy. any lie we tell will be believed. any time you cry out will be seen as a lie.... but we will tell you none of this. we will just tell you we can do whatever we want because we are who we are and your family is in our hands. resist and never see them again.

girl: I will do whatever you say. *does it*

unknown group: you did everything in your power and we commend you, however because the mental health system didn't do their job we need too add more onto your list of things to do so we don't look like complete bastards who are doing this for no good reason, besides... it doesn't matter that if anyone looked closer they could easily find the lies and it doesn't matter that the authorities we claim are involved deny it, nobody will believe you.

girl: someone please help me. *is ignored by people who shoudl help and even have jobs ass to such effect and lied to and hindered and stopped*

unknown group: now we must hold up the illusions of not being complete bastards. we must cover our asses at yours and your families expense. do what we say.

girl: I am trying! things keep on getting in my way!

unknown group: that is your fault not ours.

girl: their is a special place in the deepest Pitts of the darkest place in the afterlife for those who use such power over another for such harm.

unknown group: yeah yeah, we don't see our harm and will not believe this no matter what. just shut up and stop talking/dealing with/about your past. we ask this because we know it is impossible and you told us such. we don't care. we agree with society. we would have been involved if it had been needed.

girl: you are not needed.

unknown group: we are needed because we create our own need for our own jobs.-oops, we resulted in your family being hurt while in our care, but nobody will do anything about it.

girl: *gets on her hands and knees and begs for her families safety*

unknown group: we will make excuses and hide our mistakes but because you are so pathetic and if we kill your family we will look bad, we will comply.

girl: I don't care what you say or make others think as long as they are safe. they are all I have.

unknown group: we don't care. if we admit we did wrongly we will look bad and we can't afford to look bad because everyone hates us for what we do. we are who we are and that is all that keeps us safe. it doesn't matter that we did do wrongly, only that we did.

girl: *gets told speaking up and giving information is illegal but not told what is considered informative and what is not no matter how many times asks* ......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why didn't anyone tell me that?!

unknown group. told you to shut up.

girl: you told me a LOT of things, most of which had no grounding in reality! and you threatened my family and held their safety over my head! HOW was I supposed to rely on ANYTHING you said?! YOU HAVE NO CREDIBILITY WITH ME because I care about what is true and what is not!

unknown group: oh well. we will play with your helpless little existence to our hearts content because we can and nobody will stop us.

girl: this is wrong.

society: we will ignore the entire thing for our own individual reasons.

girl: I dont' care what your reasons are. this is wrong and it is wrong to ignore it!

society: just shut up like a good girl.

girl: I am stupid and still hold some shred of hope.

unknown group/society: we will endeavor to destroy this hope as a whole. by the time we are through with you, everything will be so bad you will die of heartbreak.

girl: knowing myself I will take my own life the moment you solidify their is no hope. I also know that if I tell you that... you will assume I am planning it. I am not, and in fact do not want to die. I just know that I will do it. if you stop me, I will just lie down and stop living. eventually I will die as a result and be able to watch over my family from wherever I end up. I have dealt thus far without family or friends and those who have promised to help have not. my blood will not stain my own hands even though it physically will... because you will have killed me from the inside out until all that is truly left is either death or a body that lives while mind and heart are gone. The death that will be had will be worse than physical death. those who think that makign soemone else do it makes it not their responsibility... that it means the blood is on the persons own hands... they are wrong. as things stand, I will die and anyone who hears that will assume I am depressed. I give up. nomatter what I say everyone will draw their conclusions and contribute to the problem. I know I shouldn't wish anything bad on anyone but... I will struggle with my path for those who are on it with me and ignore things. I will slowly die form the inside out and if I tell anyone it will be assumed it is "just a mood"... when all the "remedy" for that would do is kill me faster.
Just a skit I wrote. It contains concepts that are probably highly overgeneralized.

just a skit. no need to look any deeper or assume it is anything else.

absolutely none.

obviously the lines in it are time skips... just the rough draft.


Thursday, March 15, 2012

oh joy...

Between the lines is a post I did on Facebook. That is all true though much is left out... but nobody needs to know how bad it hurt or how I feel about not being able to make it.

I am screwed, glued, and tattooed. I am up shits creak without a paddle. I am so fucked it isn't funny. The bus is whacked, my friend has the stomach flu... and nobody else is home to answer or is too busy! I can get to places "exceedingly far" on foot if I have to... but it takes a long time to get to a place that far. It is literally in another city. My job interview today is a little over 6 miles(6.1 I think). THIS is a lot more... and last time I tried it I ended up face down on the side of the road then in the hospital. the walk to where I needed to be today is 9.50 miles(I should note I knew that was stupid of me considering I have scoliosis, arthritis-never told me what kind,one leg shorter than the other with no "lift", and hip displatia-chronic pain oh yes and my feet lack a proper arch-when I have had a lift in my shoe in the past they would put something in their for both feet to give me an arch-add on that I am still overweight... I knew that was going to hurt when I began) . it doesn't look like a huge difference... but when your walking it is. Also since a different bus runs closer to my interview... I will be able to cut it down by over half of that. while my legs hold up pretty good for a couple miles before they get THAT bad... the blisters start pretty quickly. My callouses are not up to par with it. those are slow to build... why are they so slow to build? Ug... I did what I could and failed. next time I am just going to cave and figure out how to walk that... I might be able to do it. I almost made it last time... so if I make adjustments to how I handle it I may make it... if the strike doesn't stop soon I will have no choice. I refuse to risk another miss.
I was only about a block or two away when I collapsed last time.
It should be noted I thought I would collapse earlier. I did in fact know my body was failing to keep up with the demands I was placing on it. Generally, while I do push myself and work hard, I have a rule not to push myself that far, however their comes a time when you have no other option. I know my bodies limits... and I know when I am pushing them far beyond. I only made it that far because of determination. I will need that determination next time-good thing I have no short supply of said determination.
And end of post.

Today is officially a bad day. First off something else went wrong first.

Then his... and it has just kinda degenerated from their.

To top it off I have to figure out my DV class and how to get their(I don't know where it is yet and they won't tell you until the same day- a "couple of hours before" was what I was recommended to call and ask)-I must admit though I am not complaining about their safety measures. They do it to keep those int he class safe... which is once again also why I refuse to give detailed information on it here, such as where it is at any point in time and at such point who is in it. I won't discuss anything of the kind because those measures are put into place to protect the abuse victims in the class.

I know this, I understand this, and I know clear lines on what can and cannot be said. This has a purpose and I knew why ages ago. The same rules applied to some extent to group counseling and rape counseling. Since some of those women were in their for such incidents as domestic abuse... the counselor told me that on top of the normal stuff we were not supposed to mention anyone by name. actually what you could say was very limited and the counselor also had a rule I did NOT approve of in any respect. some of the ladies would violate this rule routinely. They woudl meet outside of the group afterwards in their own little support... to me that is healthy. Why she would discourage such is beyond me and makes no sense. It was women who have been through the same type of violation finding support with each-other. Nobody was forced to be their and nobody discussed the groups or the private sessions. Nothing was breached in any way excel that instead of relying on the counselor they were finding support and strength in each-other. Last I checked, that was healthy human relations. These women were strong and were not weak in any respect and the relationships I saw formed were healthy relationships. Why she would discourage THAT I have no idea. Needless to say her methods, her attitude on what "recovery" is, her constant religious favoritism and disrespect for my fellow ladies when it came to those who chose not the christian faith(though from what I gathered it was toned down due to the fact of how exactly my father died and some experiences I have had personally-basically i wouldn't have taken that lying down and I would have been loud about it-I was, I was not happy to see that in a group that is supposed to be void of religion in it's material she had bible verses and often quieted the members of the group who were not christian-not treating the group equal and it made me a bit ill to know she probably didn't even notice yet I was not the only one who decided to leave with that in mind-of course she favored the trouble maker who complained about EVERYTHING, their was nothing that did NOT offend this chick!-the group became about her and ONLY what bothered her in any respect-their is a distinct difference between not knowing how else to convey that you understand without the empty words of "I understand" and complaining about how everyone elses stories trigger you and are offensive to you and your critical of their life choices... when every single person was their to deal with a traumatic event and deal with their rape/rapes-every group has one person who destroys the group and it is the person overseeing the group who is supposed to do something about it-not alienate multiple members of said group to coddle one person-it is called a group, one on one counseling is much more appropriate if you cannot handle a group), and she also has this infuriating thing that she just would NOT yield on. In her eyes you were not done with her counseling until you could stand int he same room as your rapist and be OK with it.

My words on that last "goal" are not to be shared... many colorful words come to mind and she knew my goal was simply to be able to live day to day and not be impeded by that happenings of that more recent time-the time my oldest was conceived. I went to rape counseling because I was afraid that if I didn't deal with it faster I would start seeing that bastards face in my son. I was afraid I would become my grandmother. I know how to deal with rape... but no-I will never be OK to the extent she wished for. some wounds cannot be obliterated like that. All you can really do is learn to live with the damage and deal with it. I honestly hate rape counseling. You have to rehash it over and over and I do that in my head anyway-no reason to bring it to the front of my mind and give it more attention than I need to. I deal with it, I cry, and I take times to go back and make sure i don't leave anything unresolved in myself. I make sure I am able to live while dealing with my problems... I woudl have to say that while most of her bit was understandable... the mistakes the counselor did make(and perhaps some women need to learn out of necessity how to be in the same room with the person who did it-now I face that I will have to learn such for my kids and i understand it a bit better-but she took it further... I don't need help forgiving-my husband did it more than once because I was stupid enough TO forgive him-as thus, our goals are not the same)... the mistakes she made... they were huge. In the same sessions she also invalidates feelings with the same breath she validates them. needless to say... her position and inability to see the damage she did was why I left and go figure... what tools I did learn I figured out how to work with ME and used them. I still cannot be in the same room as my husband after what he did... but that will take TIME and self defense classes(doesn't matter how well you are trained in anything-it has been a long time and my body isn't the same-my arms couldn't push him away and I lost all faith and confidence in such-besides it will be fun and that is also healthy when dealing with such) to up my confidence and ability to defend... which lessens the fear and adds the knowledge that I woudl be ready that way. Fact of the matter is... I will never be OK with it, nothing about the incident's can be erased. "forgive and forget" is how you repeat such things. He cannot be trusted not to do it again. some wounds simply need time and patience to mend... no amount of counseling can replace that. as it is, being with friends family, even my cats... that does more for me than counseling ever did and ever has. hell, even the occasional message from my brother on the other side of the country does more!

On the chance that someone reads this feeling alone because they feel that their is something wrong with them due to abuse. Their is nothing wrong with you. Stop letting them abuse you. leave. for those who feel alone due to a significant other performing such acts as rape... you are not alone and it is not your fault. That is actually a very common occurrence.

The following was taken from   I encourage others to do their own research and keep in mind that this is old... I didn't see anything past 2007 and keep in mind the multitude of unreported assaults. What happened to me is very common. I wouldn't be surprised if the estimates on what isn't reported were wrong. In the high school that I went to I did my won survey(though i wasn't what you woudl think-I just talked to people and wrote down the statistics I found out. Most girls I talked to had been raped at least one and in most cases it was more than once. I didn't do it originally to create any sort of document and I don't even have it anymore but I remember enough. Originally I was simply put... curious.

United States

U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics (1999) estimated that 91% of rape victims are female and 9% are male, with 99% of the offenders being male.[8] Some types of rape are excluded from official reports altogether (the FBI's definition, for example, used to exclude all rapes except forcible rapes of females), because a significant number of rapes go unreported even when they are included as reportable rapes, and also because a significant number of rapes reported to the police do not advance to prosecution.[77] According to United States Department of Justice document Criminal Victimization in the United States, there were overall 191,670 victims of rape or sexual assault reported in 2005.[78] Only 16% of rapes and sexual assaults are reported to the police (Rape in America: A Report to the Nation. 1992 and United Nations Populations Fund, 2000a).[79][80] Factoring in unreported rapes, about 5% of rapists will ever spend a day in jail.[81] One of six U.S. women has experienced an attempted or completed rape.[82] More than a quarter of college age women report having experienced a rape or rape attempt since age 14.[83]
The U.S. Department of Justice compiles statistics on crime by race, but only between and among people categorized as black or white. The Uniform Crime Reports classifies most Hispanics into the "white" category.[84] There were 194,270 white and 17,920 black victims of rape or sexual assault reported in 2006. According to Anthony Walsh, "Gary LaFree's rape data for the 45-year period revealed that blacks were arrested for rape an average of 6.52 times more often than whites."[84]
Drug use, especially alcohol, is frequently involved in rape. A study (only of rape victims that were female and reachable by phone) reported detailed findings related to tactics. In 47% of such rapes, both the victim and the perpetrator had been drinking. In 17%, only the perpetrator had been. 7% of the time, only the victim had been drinking. Rapes where neither the victim nor the perpetrator had been drinking were 29% of all rapes.[9] Contrary to widespread belief, rape outdoors is rare. Over two thirds of all rapes occur in someone's home. 31% occur in the perpetrators' homes, 27% in the victims' homes and 10% in homes shared by the victim and perpetrator. 7% occur at parties, 7% in vehicles, 4% outdoors and 2% in bars.[9] From 2000–2005, 59% of rapes were not reported to law enforcement.[10][85] One factor relating to this is the misconception that most rapes are committed by strangers.[11][10] In reality, studies indicate the following varying numbers:
Source: Current or Former Intimate Partner Another Relative Friend or Acquaintance Stranger
US Bureau of Justice Statistics 26% 7% 38% 26%
Australian Government Statistics[12] 56% 10% 27% 8%
UK Home Office (for comparison)[13] 45.4% 13.9% 29.6% 11%

For anyone who might read this and has been through such thinking they are alone... does that look like you are alone? Not being alone in this is actually what saddens me the most. Many injustices exist in this world and none of them are as uncommon as anyone thinks. Just because it sounds bad... doesn't mean it is a lie.

My past sucks.

I can do nothing with the past but deal with it.

It is the future one must strive to change.


PS: the really crappy thing about being sick or just having gotten over a particularly bad sickness... your body is weaker afterwards. as I am, I wouldn't have even made it halfway.  I am planning on utilizing the bus if that one still runs today(last I heard it was one not really effected at all)... so I can make it. On top of the normal conditions of such days... I have to contend with that "nice" fresh "just recovered" crap. I hate that. In my opinion my body should just get better and be better... not need me to take it easy while my body recovers the strength lost from being THAT sick(I was pretty bad). It shoudl be noted that I hold no fault in my friend who got sick. for the record... I do not want to catch whatever that is going around-again. if you get sick while your body is still recovering... sometimes it is worse because your body is weakened from it even temporarily... think like war and strategy. after a long war the troops are weary. apply that here.

PS: X2  18 Miles is way too far for me to walk. Not even I am stupid or determined enough to take THAT suicidal walk(and for me it is). I will have to do it when the damnable buses are not on strike. I hate this.

Stupid damnable weak body that can't do ANYTHING I need to to do regarding this! 

Frustrating... extremely frustrated.

Epic fail on today. 

I rely on the bus system for distance or insane time frames that are impossible to make walking... this is absolutely GAH!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


I got an interview tomorrow afternoon after some things I need to do and appointments I have.

I am excited.

I am a bit nervous as it is telemarketing... but... ^-^

I posted a story to I don't usually do that. It is apparently a very likable story. I have several notifications that people have marked it to be alerted when I update and that makes me happy. I like my writing being enjoyed. My reactions to the reviews were less than dignified and no less than spazzoid excitement of doom(dun dun DUN)... I had to fix my shirt after jumping up and down in pure excitement. Someone liked my details. ^-^ XD ^-^ XP ^-^ I actually spell check that stuff too. I just leave my blog as is most times.

I have blisters on my feet(they happen pretty quickly and they hurt but generally I try not to complain about it)... so I ended up staying in and filling out applications online(they aren't too bad but I know that tomorrow i will be doing lots of walking).... you would be surprised but just when you think you have applied everywhere... you find a place you haven't.

I have applied at Burger king, Circle K, McDonald's, Taco bell, Starbucks(my first job WAS a coffee shop and bakery!-they also had some substantial regular restaurant items as well), and a variety of other places. fry's and other such places are among them. It isn't like I have not been trying!

Anyway... I am a bit nervous about this job. Telemarketing... I am afraid I will suck at it. I am also afraid of the general... hate of telemarketers.

Still looking for my log in info for my tarot job... that is frustrating... *pouts* my email thingy doesn't seem to wanna pull up the email with it... keeps on popping up anything BUT that one... it is doing it with other searches too. those quirks usually are over within a few days or so.... kinda like zynga and vampire wars on Facebook... the glitches do resolve. Besides... yahoo doesn't fritz often for me. Might just be my computer. either way it is an annoyance.

I am excited. I hope the strike is over... somehow I doubt that. I will just have to figure it out if it isn't... but for now I will bask in the awesomeness that is the fanfiction community! yes-I am a nerd. I am OK with being a nerd.

oh crap... math homework... I hate math... *whining*... the things I do in life... but hey... at least I am doing it even if I am whining about it on here... and in my head... I am whining with a grin on my face. even when life sucks, having a reason to smile is key even when their may not be anything to smile about at all. Smiling keeps you sane... it is why I crack stupid jokes in attempts to lift the tension.

Speaking of which... that poor lady who got me while nervous by the bus a few days ago. I am very talkative... especially when nervous. Probably talked the poor girls ears off!

And apparently having less stuff means the kitties have more room to climb things and knock them over. I just had to catch my favorite vase from being smashed to itty bitty BITS! Their was a brief scream as I startled... but I caught it... my reflexes are JUST fine... I can so picture someone going "reflex check!"... yeah my head involves lots of imagination land... well to combat the crappiness that is my past... imagination land had to be interesting to keep my mind off of things... didn't it?

OK... OH SHIT! I forgot! I am supposed to send a message letting someone know how something went! EEP!



Monday, March 12, 2012


That's my deviant art account. It has a link that takes you to my ART'S Facebook too. lol


I gave myself a present today.

I threw out my back a bit(minor, I will be fine by tomorrow... I think...???).

I let myself have a day of cleaning after the lady canceled on me for our appointment today. The cancellation was the "universe's gift" to me for my birthday... most won't get it but the wording is actually a reference to a joke an old friend made about how the universe had put me through so much CRAP that it owed me something "good". To be honest, I would be content if things would just stop going wrong and go right... and NOT go horribly wrong.... but alas... the universe doesn't work that way. lol

My gift to me.... was to gift myself with getting rid of the rest of my husbands crap. I still have his damnable "theta flag"... I don't even think the dumpster wants it... and I am keeping the photos of course. I am not heartless.

I told him he needed to give me date, time(at least a general idea of it) and that it had to be at least a week in advance. He told me "maybe" on a curtain day and never got back to me. this is after many MANY previous attempts int he beginning and a few since. While I don't mind having a small area of what I consider a mess(it is actually known as my desk and my kitchen table when I have my art supplies out-lol-a friend of mine claimed that was "spotless"-we have two versions of clean apparently because I dub that "pig sti")... I do mind having too much crap and clutter. My husband kept things that are trash anyway. He kept this fountain thingy... it doesn't work. I would understand if it was some weird ere-loom or something(hell I have a couple of items like that-IE every photograph I possess and a couple of my mothers nicknacks-not much but what I do have I would understand-also why I haven't put his grandfathers old fishing rod(broken) out either. Some weird tradition and he valued that more than life itself. while I am not happy at what he did... I have my limits in how far I will go. I just can't live surrounded by his crap anymore. The guy kept broken things, and I would understand receipts(i do as well-grew up being taught to) but I would be a helluva lot more understanding if they had found their way into a receipt container... and were not accompanied by adds from WAAAAAAYYYY back or wrappers... while I already got rid of such things as old wrappers and the adds.... now I have to go through and PROPERLY dispose of his paperwork so nobody can steal his identity out of the dumpster.

Tomorrow I won't be home... so that's just S.O.L. for those who gave a rough day but nothing else.

Today is my birthday... so I am doing this for me.

 I also hung up some of my awards from volunteering, art and the FFA.

I should note... My husband didn't allow me to do so when I did attempt it once. He would have this "conversation" with me about how MY achievements made him feel his were not as good and since some of my awards include honors in art, some proficiency awards, and whatnot... they apparently made him feel stupid just because I had them. I don't even HAVE all of my awards! I have at least one art award back with my grandfather in his home, won a contest and it has never been taken off the wall. every time I say I want it the conversation gets diverted, and my ribbon for first place still is with it hanging proudly on the frame(should be anyway). I have plenty that can't be hung... but what could be... I hung them up proudly. None of it is made out of anything special or expensive... but they represent much to me and make me feel a bit more confident and proud when I see them. I don't have tons... but my husband made it sound like I did. I only have a few proficiency awards... no trophy's... but hey, I can be proud of it.

His achievements on the other hand... were hung high to be seen. right down to the tiny little business card sized thing's that their was no point putting on the wall. I will however admit... he didn't have more than me... but I am rather sore about how that offended him that I had achievements that I had worked hard to get. I prided myself in knowing that I had been able to prove something through hard work and dedication. I became a housewife, a stay at home mom. So what if I had no college degree for one of those "work at home" things... I was able to proudly know that someday I could tell my kids I did something.

Now I kinda can't be a stay at home mom anymore. I am going to college... and doing things as they need done.  I am learning languages independently through avenues that are free for people who want to learn them... and I am otherwise trying to get everything pieced back together in life.

I get company over for my birthday tonight... though I hope they don't mind egg/tuna salad for diner... and I get to show off my nicely decorated dining room with pride. I am an odd one. I like to be independent but I also like to be domestic. I am not a party girl and I don't like stuffy gatherings either... but I do enjoy casual visits with friends and I like to socialize with the one. Basically... I am not what many people visualize when they think of a "young mother" these days. the stereo type kinda gets set... people tend to expect things of you. I am happy the way I am. My best night is with friends and family, be it at home or out and about... and for me... that is not going to change.

I am also odd in another way. I like to cook but I don't actually like to EAT... yeah makes no sense to most. I like making yummy things because i like the look on someones face while they are enjoying it... but call me odd even further... I would hate to do it for a living. Too many unappreciative butt heads. Consider me... my OWN personal chef. I share when friends come over... all that jazz and I enjoy it but.... I could honestly say that it is something that I could live if I was never able to do for awhile. I gave that a lot of thought. it is different than a couple other things that I do so automatically and naturally that it is like breathing... some things just... well that's how I figured out what I truly wanted to do. I am the type of person who has multiple hobbies. Their are lots of things I like to do, so it was tough for me to just pick one or even two... at that point you have to think about how you would react if you couldn't do those things for a long time or even for forever. whatever gets the strongest reaction from you... the one that you would absolutely not be able to stop doing... that's what you shoudl do. If their is more than one thing in that then find out how to do it all.

That is how I think. I have different pieces of furniture around here that I painted. A kid sized rocking chair(I had to repair and re enforce it first though-still ended up fixing it, RE enforcing it again and touching it up-ah kids lol), some bedroom furniture that I painted... and I enjoyed doing those things. I have never had my favorite art me still or not able to be of some use. even when painting I favor textures. I like making things that are decorative but I prefer things that are useful. I don't like to just have a painting on my wall... I like to have the painting seem more like it belongs their... like it is reaching out to become part of the rest of the room... not sure how else to describe it and I am pretty sure that isn't quite right anyway.

I am broke and don't have anything of value in material possessions... but I take care of what we do have.

As of now I am also looking for a way to make days where INSANE expectations on my kids seem to be had... easier and less stressful on them. I do not approve of the methods being used here but I am unsure of just what I can do about it. I am concerned.

Today is my birthday.

Both good and bad have happened this year(so far) and besides getting horribly sick and almost getting run over by a car while crossing the intersection(among the small type disasters that are known to grace life), nothing paramount has happened this month to any badness... I can't help but be nervous about that.

This year is the first year I wasn't sick on the day of my birth(though I was until yesterday-but I was nearly over it then too) since my mom died, and even before then it was a common occurrence... and considering my record of bad birthdays and the month of march in general.... I can't help but be cautious. If nothing happens I will be happy and feel blessed and relieved and even hold hope for next years birthday. If nothing happens this month I will feel the same but more so. The list of things that racked up in this month in of itself over the years is insane. The least of those was this one year everyone kinda just forgot about it. The worst... they should have taken me to the hospital. The one where I was raped wasn't even the worst... so you can probably imagine. My birthday has never been a good time and neither has the month itself.

I am not sure why... but perhaps since life has been feeling the need to go down the toilet in these past few months... perhaps this march will be merciful. I hope so.


Sunday, March 11, 2012

The Lie-The truth

Another lie, how "surprising"... hence why I avoided looking it up. I didn't want to face yet another lie from my grandfather.

Since Wikipedia gets things about my own religion wrong(which is easy mind you) I have other sources.

While my grandfather may see this place as "open" he lied about one thing, it is in fact a christian group. It is not a group of people who doesn't care what you believe and get together for a peaceful world... that is not once listed in their beliefs, however they do appear to be peaceful and thus the kind I am very heart-warmed to see. I recommend it to try for those who actually are christian and looking for a christian church. As for me... perhaps one day I will start my own group called "people understanding people are people" or something... I am idealistic in my heart. I hate discrimination and while this place doesn't look such... he lied to me. It is also not as he said either. Perhaps by his perception... but this is the same man who told me to HIDE my religion and pretend I was christian... so a tiny lie could be what his twisted mind thinks will "get her to church". He is too stupid to see that I am happy practicing my own path of religion... I am wiccan. I am at peace with my path, just not with how the misconceptions of others mean I am treated at time. Actually I don't run into many problems in general to be honest, just with those who are in the "mental health system"... ug... feels like they are trying to dissect me and figure me out or something from the inside of my mind out just by asking stupid questions over and over and repeating them as many ways as they can be worded. I hate it.

In the general populace I run into relatively no issues. Of course you have your occasional group of idiots who acts like "where" they believe you are going when you die makes them better than you and you less human... and of COURSE I am afraid of running into those who I have seen commit great crimes against fellow human beings(and got away with it-not like I can prove it, not as it was so long ago-I was a child)... Of course I fear it. You would too if you saw the extent of evil a hateful human heart could bring on another.

Being lied to hurts. To many, it may not seem a bit lie... but he is a liar. He has lied before. the smaller lies always lead to a web of more lies and a tangled web like a trap. While I love my grandfather, I am not stupid.

I wish my family could truly accept my chosen path. I do not believe in Satan. I do not believe in their god(if you read the bible objectively he sounds like a real asshole anyway-lets horrible things be done in his name but throws a temper tantrum and kills people when they do not praise his name-a real ABUSIVE and uncaring jerk is what that sounds like to me-but that is a matter of opinion-my opinion-besides, I have met some pretty awesome Christians-at least I thought they were until it became where they dumped me as a friend over religion-that I was of a different one).

They exist in every religion, it is just easier to run into one from Christianity because it is so ingrained in our culture as people... so common to believe, to be taught to believe(silly people, the heart can only be shown belief by those who truly believe something, not by others who are taught and do not truly believe it-that just breeds more corruption). I have met pagans who would not associate with those not of their own thought group or who attacked others at the slightest attempt to point something out... as I stated, they exist in every thought group and they are seldom who we expect. Sometimes they are evil people and sometimes they are very good people... but prejudice is prejudice and everyone has a shadow in their heart of light as even a heart of shadow has it's light within... yet shadow and light in of themselves are not evil as day and night simply exist as well. Evil can hide in light just as well as it can in shadow, sometimes better. Evil is a concept made by religion... as is good. However... it is human nature to hold both and perhaps... instead of trying to change everyone around you... people should accept them and simply keep close those who are good of action... and only be wary of those who are evil of action. To judge at first glance is folly. Not every good book is good at first glance. A romance novel doesn't always look like a romance novel... only the pages within can truly tell.

Another thing... people are a bit like onions and peoples hearts are a bit like garlic. People have layers... peoples hearts have sections with... layers that are unable to be pealed from each-other only that they symbolize deepness. Shallots are also similar... but the meaning is the same. Now people are not edible like these things... but as you get to the center of an onion, the heart of an onion, the scent gets stronger. Garlic has a strong smell outwardly... and gets stronger as you get deeper into it. no-matter how many times I cut an onion or a big of garlic... none of them are ever completely the same. their is always at least one tiny difference... even in two that seem the same until you investigate further... sometimes it is only one single layer that is different but it is indeed enough to prove my point. They are like people. No, they are not like us in ability to talk or anything like that... but none of them is ever exactly the same... and the smell of garlic is strong. The stronger the smell of garlic, the better quality the cloves in it... that is at least a general thing I was taught. Now the smell could be used as symbolic for the strength of ones heart as how it is displayed from within. Hearts shine from within. The more you delve in the garlic... the stronger that smell becomes. The more you truly look into someones heart, the more you see what is in their heart and the more you tend to care about that heart... to care is to lack of not caring. to care references both hate and love. If you see an ugly heart that is rotten and evil inside-unable to love and can only hate and hurt- you do not love that heart... at least I assume not. If you see a heart that is full of love and kindness... do you not treasure that hearts existence? To treasure is to love it... even if only a little bit.

If you think of the human head... if the onion is like a mind/personality, and the garlic is like the heart... then the trees and plants of the world are like our bodies. The need nutrients to grow and live but they often die long before our hearts and minds ever do. They grow from tiny things... to bigger things... then they slowly wither and die in age or in sickness just like people do.

Their is a part of the wiccan rede "heed ye flower bush and tree and by the lady blessed you'll be"

Of the female aspects I think the speak of lady gaia, or more commonly referenced as "mother earth".

Much like a mother she has layers to her person... multiple things she must attend to... nurtures life in all her areas even her most barren deserts are not completely lifeless. The lady moon is her sister, her guardian of her tides, the lover in her eyes... like a family or close friend who keeps watch over her dreams with her... the sun is much the same... though much like a brother, uncle... some even say husband... while time is both friend and enemy to all... it wears on the lady gaia and both nurtures and heals her and supports her from her suffering... much like a beloved mate would.

Their is harmony in all things just as their is discord. That is how things are.

No matter what religion you are, no matter where you come from, no matter what is within you at any time... it is your actions that decide your path.

Like any mother... the heartbreak of being rejected by your children is much akin to the damage we humans do to her when we care not what we do in our wistful and pollution creating ways... and heartbreak is a most painful and slow way to die. Love can bring life and bring weightlessness to the heaviest of hearts... but the pain of it can also slowly kill you from the inside out.

To live against the earth brings things bad... like cutting down forests created tornado alley... I look at that action and those like it as living against the earth instead of with her. I also believe that the earth has a soul... a spirit if you will... I can only imagine the pain she must feel. At this rate... it is the direct actions of rejection to live in harmony with her that will kill her. when she dies, we will follow. Father time will never allow those who would harm his beloved to find another after destroying her so. Their will be no time even if we do "find" a place without learning our lessons as humans and living in harmony with her... that is what I believe.

If people cannot even take care of what they have... how can we expect our children to know to do so either?

For the record, I am not some pure person either. I too hold both light and shadow in my heart and in that heart resides both hate and love... just like everyone else. It is your actions that decide you... not your religion. It may be a unpopular belief... but it is what I believe. I do not believe their is a lack of forgiveness in creation... merely that it involves actions to be forgiven just as it involved the actions that were in need to be that way to begin with.

I simply see things differently.

please be blessed.

"live and let live,
fairly take and fairly give"-wiccan rede

On another note. I do not believe one can love the moon without loving all she watches over in the night... to love someone means to love everything they love as well... it means you will protect and love what they do even if only because the one you love also loves such. It doesn't mean you must switch religions if your love is of a different one... but to love someone means you love them as is... without changing them.

A man who hurts his children does not love their mother nor his children. A man who harms his wife loves none of those who love or are connected to her, including her children. To harm one in a family is to hurt all of them. For this reason... my family is not family. I have been hurt... though I do not think they feel it. I feel it when they are though... my heart hurts when I find out one of them is hurting... cries out and I wish to cry... sometimes I do cry.

This is also how I know... my husband never loved me or the children. In retrospect however... I often wonder if I truly loved him either. I encouraged him to talk to his father.... never had any ill will against any of them but... do I love his family? It makes me wonder at the meaning of loving something that someone else loves... perhaps their are indeed different degrees of love. Either way however, one should never stay with one who doesn't love you. when you act against the mother or against the child, you act against both. when you act against one member of a family you act against all of them... that is why I believe my family is not a family.    

if my family was a family... wouldn't they be here?


Friday, March 9, 2012

womens rights-dv classes for vitims-whatever else I add in

now lets review- this is my response.

It is true. while some use this to take advantage the gap still exists in places it shouldn't. also, if you count "vacation" or "sick time" into seniority, you should also count maternity leave or 1-2 years into the child's life if that is your choice, that means a better future in a more healthy child in MANY cases. Since it also is about six months to a year before(according to the doctor who delivered my children) the hormones leave their bodies completely and allow for things to be normal again hormone wise... it would be an investment for better employees and a better future all around. families would be more bonded and you could even have them do things from home during this time and offer them pay for it so it wouldn't hurt anyone. Am I the only one who sees this as a viable solution?   It is a way to let women be their gender without suppression.

Here is my view. the feminists irk me with their anti "weakness" for females, and their inconsideration for how their views effect little boys as well. The males who think women are just for sex and whatnot piss me off because they are just dick-holes(nobody tell my kids mommy has been name calling-I don't want them to become like this).

Here is the deal. Men are incapable of bearing children but women use both hemispheres of our brains. I am of the opinion we were given thus because of how hard it is to multitask as we so often have to.

Children must exist and men are often inherently more suited for physical labor and bruit strength. If a woman wants to work for it she can and will but this is innate ability. A woman has a high innate ability for compassion and understanding. While men can be such as well, I am once again not talking what people CAN be but how they generally start out-acceptations always apply.

Children need their mother to teach them compassion and bonding in that first stretch. many children end up not bonding with their families. As if it, feminism isn't better for the children. Women's rights yes, but people take it too far. just because you can do something doesn't mean you should or that someone else WANTS to. 

Often feminism forgets that it began with a choice and once fought for a choice. The women who do not choose what the feminism front wants of them are looked down on as defective BY those same feminists who go to bat for the rights of women. A right is the right to make a choice.

If femaleness continues down the road of suppression that it is of the softer dies of the female mentality and feelings in general it will become what it hates most and I hate to say it but... I am sick of seeing "boys vs girls" done in adult format. Women can do things men cannot(like give birth), so things need to adapt around that the same way you would adapt if a man needed such. This needs a different approach besides this forcefulness.

While women are equal these people need to remember we are in fact, still women. Our bodies produce hormones and have changes so the human race can continue so that needs to be adjusted to-fact of the matter is, men don't and can't do that. Now, this also needs to be adjusted because equality will never be had if you are teaching little girls that they need to have their own "language" when speaking to men and are above the boys. No, equality goes both ways. I have two little boys and grew up with a grandfather who was a doormat to his wife. I do not like this mentality. I am not raising my sons to be little slaves or people who will have no say in anything when they come home or who will be easily manipulated. the list goes on.

Neither do I want my boys to become the "superior" or the abuser. I want them to be equal but to respect the difference but I also hope they find someone for them(separately of course-lol) who stands beside them and who they stand beside. Sometimes a woman needs to be a woman and be held and reassured and all that mushy gushy stuff and sometimes the man will be weak and need strength from her... my problem with feminism is the ill thought out "girls are better than boys" bit. Fight for the choice, but don't put down those who don't take it. further the goodness of he choice itself but when some choose not to and LIKE what they themselves do... stop trashing on the ones who choose that they like the way they are.

Their is a point where all it does is make more problems.


On another front. I was writing in my diary today, I made my calls... and I am sure the fact that I had to sit back and let myself cry between calls will be appalling.

I was making calls to find classes for dv for abuse victims. I found two.  One I have an intake in April and one you have to call that day(I will be doing that one first and I will be learning everything I can)-I assume it is because location is changed for the safety of the women going-I will not be saying where I am taking them or with who... especially not here. I will not be the tool for another to be harmed using such information.

If anyone needs such they can call the national abuse hotline(even if you already left and just want information on how to not repeat the past again)----------> 1-800-799-7233 <--- national abuse hotline    they will give you the information you need.

At first I was just a bit nervous and very ashamed(but I am used to that) that I was abused to begin with... now I am even more ashamed but that isn't their fault. I put up with some things growing up that seemed the lesser of what was happening to me. To this day, my brother is the only one in my family who advocates to even myself(yes-I have times I break down, cry, and doubt myself because I have heard it too many times) that I am not crazy. My little sister doesn't know(presumably) of my struggle. She should be about 16 right now. I hope she avoids abuse in her future. I do not know where she is or how she is doing, I wish I did.

The lesser... I found out by a simple survey. every time I had to reschedule because he didn't want me to go(even to the extent he would speak against me going to counseling-about the only service I advocate has ever helped me), every time he called me crazy or did things to make me feel like I was, every time he called me such or insinuated I was nuts, each and every SINGLE time he did everything on that survey... although I knew it was wrong and wanted it to stop... he refused. I didn't realize HOW bad it was. I heard the ladies voice... I swear that was pity. That made it worse. It made it worse. this lady deals with abuse victims every day and had been hardened before... to hear her pity just made me realize it is that much worse in what he did.

I wonder what else I didn't notice was so bad. I know abuse better than many and have learned many things all on my own... but I suppose that makes it worse. I have been trying to learn how to avoid abuse even before my husband and I were anything but friends... I decided to the day I found out I was pregnant with my oldest who is now a two year old beautiful boy. I didn't care how he was conceived, I wanted better for him than I had. Funny how that only grew in intensity with having two boys but it is equally important in some weird way. feelings are so weird to explain, basically one child or two I wish they not go through what i did. I have been trying to find specific information since may of last year... even searched a couple times before that while he was gone and the kids were napping. Now I have been told I need to do this... but I wasn't told HOW-which would have been welcome information. I didn't speak of it because I was ashamed. I am still ashamed.

I know what abuse is... but their are things I do not know about it and how to avoid it. I learned what I have from my own research. At one point I was too ashamed to call any hotline and had the number. I lost it before I got my nerve. I had no idea they could help me learn how to avoid it... I found that out on accident.

I feel very small and I have not told a friend of mine(who I was talking to a few minutes ago via yahoo IM messenger) that I have been crying.
My thoughts?

"What kind of mother am I?" "What was I teaching them?" "I am a bad mom! I was teaching them exactly what I was trying to teach the opposite of!"

Run along that train of thought and you have what mine is now. I will cry, hug my moms old bear... probably be cuddled by the cats... and allow myself an hour or so to deal with these whirling emotions. These thoughts and feelings are normal. This is one of those "I wish my mom and dad were here right now" moments... I wish my brother and sister and others I cared for were here too... but I don't want them to see me cry either.

I cry, deal, and live life moving on from it as best a I can. I lived through the things themselves. besides, these feelings are apart of me, to ignore them would be like ignoring myself and to dwell in them too long is to ignore the positive. The positive-Now I do know. NOW I can do something about it.

So I will cry, deal with the feelings of guilt, and such, then I will move on for my children. They deserve so much better just for being born and lighting up my world... becoming my universe.

I do not care what anyone says, my children are everything to me and if someone finds issue with that... they can kiss my ass. same goes for not liking my weakness. I do not care if I am ugly, worthless, or anything else in this world TO anyone else as long as I can be their mother and look into their sweet faces. no mater how dirty you feel inside(showers do not do much for the feeling that comes with that tainted feeling but it doesn't stop me from trying)... one look, one breath, one moment, one second... it all goes away when I am with my children. Nothing else matters. They are innocent and pure and they are my precious baby boys.

to me, that is what matters.


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

seperating vitims and abusers-DV

 This rose was done while I was still in school as a teen. While I have improved I like roses and to be honest... not bad for the age and skill level I was at at the time.
OK, one big problem solved. If I had known that they offered separate classes for "victims" and "abusers" I would have been done with this ages ago... before it was even asked actually. I was looking up stuff to help me be informed on how to avoid being abused(and subsequently my kids being near or involved by) and that was back in MAY that I started looking(when I got my husband out I started looking up things and implementing old techniques I learned in therapy). When told I wasn't allowed to do the class online I was horrified. So much as picking up the phone had me frozen in place and it was frustrating. When i had looked on my own the only thing I could find was for abusers and COUPLES. When asked to take it to "help" me break the cycle of being a victim I was horrified. I was emidietally freaking out and making clear what I was worried about... even only whispered to my lawyer at the time. After being abused I would have to sit in a room with those who had perpetrated similar(and in some cases worse) than my husband did? I now have been told this is not the case. I have to specifically ASK about the "victims" class... apparently places separate the victims and the abusers. After going to therapy where the counselors goal was to have you "forgive" your rapist and have you able to casually converse with them and be in the same room with them(my goal was just to be more functional in daily life without about jumping out of my own skin... with all due respect-nothing short of re doing everything in self defense from the ground up as if I had never learned it will help me with anything related to that-you lose your confidence in your abilities when your arms are too weak to push someone off of you)... trust me, I can assure you people do some pretty whacked stuff and this would not have been such a strange concept. To be honest... I think anyone would have issue with that... not just me. So I have been trying to figure out coping mechanisms for a situation that I should have been told-didn't exist. Now I know. OK, simple solutions now exist. On thing though... I hate the term "victim" for this... because the moment I decided to not put up with the abuse... I ceased being his victim. I have even managed to stand up to him a couple of times now too. The point being... I chose to stop being the victim. I chose to look up information to avoid it in the future. I did not chose a sit in class but if I had known they separated the victims and the abusers to begin with... This would have been done and over with back in May instead of someone asking it of me. I actually did find some good tips online. I also found some duds. And now I am getting help finding employment with this program... so I hope to be properly on my feet soon enough. I must say though... it would have been really nice if someone had told me about that and had put my freaking out at ease. I mean really? several people who should have been able to tell me that didn't. Makes you wonder. :/ 


They call this article "5 things you didn't know about chocolate"....
I call it "5 reasons women didn't need to love chocolate-but could easily use to break their 'diet' and eat it anyway"

As if anybody needed more reasons to love chocolate.

Now... I must point out, it even states in the awesomeness that is chocolate that it was a cure all for the Mayans and CURRENCY for the Aztecs.

we already knew it was healthy for you... women were ahead of those lab coat wearing.... erm... scientists.... a long time ago! We KNEW! The Aztecs and Mayans also knew. it is THEM who thinks this is news! *highly amused* Silly scientists. This is just proof that you can't explain everything and the things you can't should be left to those who know the "proof" that it works doesn't matter how it works. I can state several different scientific ways it helps... I just don't care. It works. Who cares why. It does and that is that. Chocolate needs no explanation. Chocolate is the explanation and the solution. Chocolate is chocolate. lol

I agree with the ancient Mayans and Aztecs. Chocolate is just that awesome.


Tuesday, March 6, 2012


Remember to always double check and cross reference... especially when using Wikipedia.

Someone, somewhere is going to laugh their ass off at me but... I always end up back to plants.

I was in the bath(ironically I do some of my best thinking in the bath... or maybe not ironic as I am a Pisces-no the irony would be how much I love fire/candles:*hates fake flame candles*: 0.0-water sign...) and was just letting my thoughts wonder and then it hit me, I had to make calls to sell the plants and whatnot in high school... why not use this same technique for my art?

It seems like forever ago that I did this one. Obnoxious and loud but kinda and well meaning healer girl... with a really big mouth(no ability to keep secrets). I based her off of someone I knew and then made a character design. Soon after I saw a book in the library that had a unicorn horn type alien girl and about kicked myself. no way was the idea of using a unicorn horn for a healer girl form a race of people who basically are what unicorns legends came from(in the story) was original... but I like the idea and it is mine. I am sure other characters exist that use this unicorn horn idea.

I did that WAAAY back... I was in high school. I have thought about putting color to it... and if you like it, here is another of that same character.

If you can't tell, character creation is a hobby of mine.

Every character has their quiet moments. The characters personality is very overwhelming so I added an extra element from the person(actually the girl was named Amy) I originally derived the character idea from... the girl was dramatic with a side of brooding looks... not necessarily stupid but highly naive when it came to others suffering she had trouble discerning the cause and often didn't mention it. I suppose after seeing that expression on her face many times it gave me ideas for deeper facets of the character.

Their backgrounds may be very different(I never knew Amy's, she never really talked about it too much-though I assume it is very different-lol)... and their are some variations in personality to degrees... but I really enjoyed creating her. 

Call me odd but... I am rather partial to curtain characters more than others. This is one I have many times considered flat out making a story around her... the main character. As of now she is just a character in the world I made up for the story's I write... but I have seriously thought of writing her in. Only the base character will be like that... as the story progresses... one must decide how the character changes and is effected.

I have probably created over a hundred characters over the years that I have done nothing with... just for the sake of creating the characters.

I think that is enough to prove I enjoy it.

    I am sick today, was yesterday too. I am going to be taking care of myself, studying, and maybe doing some art so that I have inventory to sell... I must confess... My chosen profession was chosen out of personal obligation.  I think it is obvious enough... don't you?


Monday, March 5, 2012

Church-and- To: The School System

    Just got back form my appointment. Still queezy but haven't puked in awhile(that may change as I kinda have to eat sometime), hopefully it is one of those bugs that doesn't last long.

    My grandfather told me about a church that doesn't care what your religion is. the do meditation and that sort of stuff. They apparently believe as he put it that "god is within you". They have many religions that go their and the fact that I am wiccan will apparently not be a problem.

    I plan on testing that. I find it easier to know who has a problem with it to begin with rather than wait till later.

    I even told him "you know, my pentacle will be out in the open just to test that right?" "yep" "I will boldly display it" "yep"    I am used to people having a problem with it. It will be good to build supports and such  in the community. To be honest, I favor the idea of going to the same one he does.

    He called it "unity church". My religion is a barrier with some people and it will be nice if this place is everything he says it will be. I personally don't care what someone believes as long as they believe in something.

    Even an atheist strongly believes in being an atheist... though my grandfather used to say "their are no atheist's in a foxhole" -in war a foxhole is that trench thing they are in to lessen the likelihood of getting hit by grenades and whatnot. Basically, the saying means they are all praying to somebody that the trench stays untouched and they stay alive. I don't know if that has any real truth to it, I would have to ask an atheist veteran... though I don't think I will. That is one thing I prefer to just keep as a childhood memory that makes me smile. Besides... while I am sure atheist veterans of war exist... I have never met one. To me, I have always believed in creation and it having to have been created somehow, therein the divine.

    That comes naturally to me. I simply believe that if they are happy that way... who am I to disrupt them in their beliefs?

    For once I am not double blogging today out of fear or anxiousness... but because the idea in of itself of a place where acceptance it had... makes me excited to go check it out. Their are places that say that but are not actually like that. I hope this place is. I may be terrified in my current situation but... if I do not find some reason to smile, I fear I will lose myself and be no good to anyone.

on another note...

   Today I was also asked question. let me just clear this up.

    My children put everything in their mouths and keeping them away from water of any kind while awake... is damn near impossible(especially for rowan). My children do not know better, quite the opposite, so I have to constantly keep an eye out for things. I have said that before many times, just pointing that out now.

    My anxiety is an issue... to a degree. Typically it is cope-able but currently the situation I am in magnifies it, for lack of a better term. I do not have access to the coping type mechanisms I would need to do what I have been asked to do. To sit in a room full of abusers(and possibly those like me sent their to learn how to break the cycle).

    Sometimes conversation is easier than writing for me. Some are easier to write, some just are so overwhelming after so much that I have to step away and take a break or... strike up a conversation. generally it has more to do with the intensity of the subject and the thoughts it evokes.

    Apparently I am logical enough to be asked if I am good at math. No, worst subject. While I AM logical... nobody ever bothered to sit down and break apart the formulas after my mom. By the time anyone realized how far behind I was, they deemed me a worthless cause and to be honest... a group of us was helped with our AIMS. We were the students deemed to be so behind we would never pass on our own.

    I was part of a group of kids that was taken to basically cheat on the AIMS test. My writing I passed, my reading I passed(though I was asked to consider it as their was a strong possibility by their standards that I wouldn't pass) all on my own. Math, I never passed a third grade level. I know addition, subtraction, basic multiplication(though I can't do it in my head), and very VERY basic division. I have an understanding of decimals to some degree... and can execute them on a calculator. If you ask me to do math in my head, I have trouble with it... unless it is memorized ahead of time, it won't be possible at all, I am ashamed to say.

    I was put in special education. I was bullied because of it. I was not put in special education because I was a horrible student(though many assumed I just didn't want to learn). You would be surprised how many of those end up in that "resource room"-I was put their because I needed things a little differently than the teachers unrealistic expectations. After my mom died, my teacher-who hated her-specifically made assignments for parents to do with their children....... since I had none and she always refused to explain... I got left behind and never caught up. in the resource room you often get pushed aside for the behaviorally challenged kids who are just their because they "act out" in class. Incidentally, at a time directly after going through traumatic loss I was denied the basic fundamental knowledge needed to figure out future problems in math. For me... this means I will have to start over. That was a critical time... for this reason I also have trouble with cursive. I got much back all on my own-I had the fundamental basic knowledge to do so.

    So-to those teachers who hate their students, their job, or just don't wanna do what it takes... when you thoughtlessly or spitefully(she didn't get along with my mom and never liked me to begin with-never knew why) push a student aside when your job is to help them learn the tools they need(no matter how hard it may be at times)... you fail at your job. Every student you deny help or send off to someone else just because you do not wish to deal with them... it is still your job to make sure they learn what they need to be learning by finding a way to work directly with said child.

    When you become a teacher you know you will be spending long hours grading papers and the best ones help students off school hours(honestly-I think teachers should get paid for the time helping and the sleepless nights spent grading papers-but that is just me I suppose). Every teacher who doesn't do this fails every student that gets left behind.

    A teachers job is to teach children. To be honest, longer recess would probably help. The problem isn't teachers OR students on the front of behavior(well this big part anyway). You take oodles of children and place them in a desk expecting them to sit still for unreasonable lengths of time with extremely short "breaks" and see how YOU like it?! Even high schoolers have issues at times. In elementary school they tell you to "get active" and then they cut recess and complain the kids are obese and have behavior problems.

    A child, full of energy made to sit still... put in a desk and made to "focus" on something like that in a boring and uninteresting environment(the kids find it boring-the adults don't matter--- so why not let the kids decorate a classroom every year, that way they each have something interesting to stare at)... bored kids with too much energy that has no place to go... is it me or is common sense lost on the school system?

    With all due respect, teachers can do nothing about a parent who is not involved and refuses to be involved. They CAN help the kids learn. The school system should stop screwing with recess. While it may seem a pointless concept-recess helps children learn vital social skills as well as vent out the energy their bodies create. Longer recess would help concentration in class, and have healthier children in body as well. At least the child who falls asleep in class isn't the child who erupts due to inability to handle all the excess energy in class. so you wake them up and the class laughs and maybe sooner or later they will get it. Would you rather that, or 20-40 over energized kids with nowhere to put said energy.

    Just saying. As a parent I notice my children sleep better and sit STILL more when let run around like little... well children. When you turn school into something that is only tailored to adults wishes... you do not ask for good things form the "universe"... karma, whatever you believe in but it will bite you in the proverbial rectal area and give you cranial discomfort! so you have to calm down the kids after recess... have a time for them to sit quietly or play "heads up 7-up"(this gives the kids who need to rest a few an excuse to lay down their heads and the ones who still have energy in them a way to exert it properly but in a manner that isn't all out like the play-ground). You will always have that one kid that makes you want to pull out your hair-take comfort, your "revenge" is being the teacher who pushes them to be their best... they will thank you later. Think of it as an investment of karma... it may take awhile but... you will get that good karma back.

    The results would not be immediate and it would take adjusting... but school is just as hard(if not harder) for the students as well, not just the teachers. The happy middle ground needs to be found because when you have 20-40 + kids who are too energized to sit still and don't want to do so... you now have a class of uncooperative students who are NOT ready to learn to their fullest potential. You can change the food all you want but let's face it; Even with sugar, proper recess and an engaging class that gets them involved(while exhausting to maintain) is what will keep the kids loving their teacher and having fun and if your lucky... they may not even realize they are learning something. Kids need times to let loose and so do adults so... when things get too much, their IS a little thing called "Fun Friday"... if they like you the students generally listen to you more. If one student bows it, don't cancel the entire classes fun day, make it for the students who behave. it may seem cruel but... when they see how much fun is being had... they will realize you mean business.

All punishing he entire class does is create a vicious cycle. that one student... their only option to being liked by their class is to make the class hate you.

A further thing to consider, not all classrooms benefit from the same methods. At intervals during the year, one should make sure the students are in agreance with it, and leave it diplomatic-like voting.

Now my last thing to say(for now-lol), the school board should hire competent teachers who can and will do their jobs and encourage their students. Like any other job, those who can't do it need to go. These children will one day grow up to be adults. THINK about the habits and lessons you teach! The school board should be their to regulate not be "overlords". If you don't give kids the freedom to be kids and teachers the freedom to teach... what you get is a system that will breed adults who have mental health issues. Anyone notice the "rise" in it or is it just me?



PS: I would love to know how appointments are being made and scheduled with ___ ______ ___ without me being notified I HAVE an appointment in the first place! I am rather ticked off about that. Ironically she who scheduled it never called me back about that... ironic since you kinda have to tell someone about that stuff. one can't show up if they are not notified. curious indeed(sarcasm). I just found out(NOT happy). Well, now I know when the next one is. I was also told something very important was different than what I wrote down as far as date is concerned. lets hope that is true. they are suspiciously eager to have this at the exact time I had the other thing written down for... before that it was a doctors appointment they wished me to move...  funny how that works... isn't it(more sarcasm)?

PSx2- how do you "leave a message about it" for someone who has no way for you to leave messages? with all due respect... my answering machine bit the bucket months ago. They know I am usually back by a curtain time. I have made sure they knew over and over again. You know what is "REALLY funny"(sarcasm again)? My "memory" is in question but they can't even remember that very simple concept... unless of course they just "think" they left a message(a jab at the things said). they have my phone number. it hasn't changed. "may have just called the wrong number" yet it is forgotten that I am not that stupid. If they had the wrong number... how am I being contacted on the right one? oh the excuses are irksome... if only I could do something about it.   I want to do something about it.