Sunday, January 29, 2012

empower, school issues, automatic writing-mind oriented excersises

I have empower. work won't be giving a pay check in time(chances are it won't be enough either especially as I barely started), and my school has been dodging calls and giving me beef about the "cost of living" portion they say I qualify for.

I go to school at home, Use the computer here, etc etc, and beyond that, the fasfa site clearly states this is valid use of it in what I asked for.

My calls were not returned, and when I finally got a hold of my financial aid adviser, she gave me some delayed junk. I would be more entitled to believe her if she returned her calls in the time her message says she is to do so.

Their is a possibility she called me that same day, but it could have also been my admissions representative as the person I got a hold of was under such impression that it was.

And yeah, they know I record my calls. They record theirs as well too. "this call will be recorded" she said. oh no shit "this call may be recorded" is said on the answering thingy when you call in, due to this clause I assume it is recorded regardless. my calls "may" also be(they are) recorded.  and yeah, everyone is all notified about it. not a secret. if I am recording the person knows I am recording, in fact I make sure just as evidence they are told, at times that is PART of the recording, me telling them and them responding.

oh joy... do I really seem so stupid?

Anyway, I have been told their is no reason I shouldn't get it. in the mean time I have to hope I can survive till then. the rest of our interaction will have to be via e mail. The person  at the phones told me boht of them had already left.

oh yeah, and apparently being a different religion entitles a psychiatrist to take the attitude of "she is christian, but has no church" this same doc "documented" my reactions to him trying to make me detail every assault on and every trauma on my person as well as keep insisting my youngest was a product of rape as my oldest. this is after he lied to me about giving me something to help with anxiety. the insinuation is made that I only THINK I am wiccan and not christian is a bit of a pet peeve for me. apparently he isn't the only doc who "decided" they knew more about my spirituality than me. these notes leave much to be desired in speaking about the character of more than one doctor. my last one doesn't take either stance and calls it "magical thinking" and after an hour and a half, refuses to decide anything. her "evaluation" is useless accept in saying she is incompetent or just plain unwilling to say anything either way. my lawyer insinuates the later. isn't that just grand? apparently I need to be easier to "figure out". the way I see it, if you can't slat out say I am crazy after an hour and a half(and by the first ten minutes you could tell, especially with how nervous those places make me). If at my worst you can't say I am anything, then for goodness sakes you shouldn't be in this profession! UG! Of course the lost the previous one so I only have one of the two taken at my new place.

this last one makes no reference to religion and calls it "magical thinking"...  and people wonder why I hate the system. I had a loose coven for awhile... mostly I keep away from  that. I still have no overcome my fear of watching them die(my father was killed for being pagan-I witnessed many deeds I should not of had to- religious killings of those who were pagan by those who were not). suffice to say, I have a deep seeded fear of having to watch others die as well. As a soldier comes home and often sees their past replayed but knows since it happened over seas... it can't happen here, I have no such comfort. this happened on American soil. I am still getting past these fears. Any coven I join will be one that can defend and is willing to defend  if attacked.  be it religious killing or just some opportunist, I have no desire to lose anyone else. I want a peaceful life filled with my children's laughter and growing... and with as little negativity as possible. My deepest wish.

If I had my way, I would have left the system long ago. they have done nothing in the way of helping me and being in it causes problems. having a diagnosis causes problems. PTSD and Anxiety are apparently grounds for the uneducated to call you crazy. when you have a diagnosis, other uneducated individuals will automatically fall with that one. let me educate you. PTSD, is the result of trauma. specifically COMPLEX PTSD simply means more than one trauma occurred over the years. I was told in counseling mine is the later variety. For me, this means I "space" many times which means I am having a flashback, a memory I freeze in real life with. now at home or in a place I am comfortable in, I am able to function while in a flashback(minus conversation-sorry, but things like dishes and cleaning- basically anything but taking), if I talk during these(because when I really wish to I can) it is about what is in my mind, meaning-nobody wants to hear it, trust me. the past is not great and I have no desire for it to be repeated in the future, and if some uneducated asshole thinks having a bad past that wasn't in my control and was actions done to me by others dooms me to repeat what the others did, they need to get a clue. I have already deviated. my mother would have chosen her husband over her children, and many times... she did. I chose my children. it wasn't a choice I was happy to have to make but that in of itself should be enough to show  I am not like my mother. My mothers faults are not mine. she was a very kind person with a big heart, but she was oblivious and lived her life in denial at many points. I do not share this fault. my faults are many but that isn't one of them. I accept my faults as part of myself and sometimes I tweak them to be less however, one should realize the concept of ying and yang, when you fix one thing another becomes more. everyone has faults, and fixing them requires deep knowledge of yourself and is slow in your deepest self, because if it isn't, you run the risk of ripping your own mind apart. life throws you enough. when using the techniques below, please excersize caution and keep someone with you to monitor if you are just starting out.

my grandfather even told me to hide my religion. apparently my religion should be playing a part in peoples opinions and actions that I dont' think it should be playing.

I follow the wiccan creed. "speak thou little and listen much" is modified for me(well only in how I execute it) as although I hate to hear my own voice, I talk a lot. so I have gotten it down. I can talk for almost ever and say absolutely nothing of value to anyone. Basically I am quiet without the quiet. another technique is to simply say the same thing so many dif ways it is ridiculous. this is because silence makes me extremely uneasy. I can't stand it. and on many points I slip into basically automatic writing, which is an actual technique mind you, however believe it or not, I refuse to use the "occult" version. sorry. I leave sleeping spirits lay. no calling forth for me.

Mine is used so that when my mind goes into flashbacks, I am not stopped from writing and it is therapeutic in practicing functioning while not able to otherwise do so. I have similar techniques in meditation that I use for daily life. some to block out pain(though it only works as much as you concentrate on doing such, as soon as you turn your focus to the pain you have to start all over, basically "out of mind, out of notice" idea kinda)

this on is a warning for those who don't know what they are doing. this kind of self awareness can be very useful. for me, I have meditated for years and have even been able to go into my subconscious. one should always be aware your subconscious IS you, but not altered by the society you live in so not everything you see will be what society teaches you is good. the biggest obstacle I found was at first, I delved to try and find the problems that made my family hate me. I looked for them. the fact of the matter is, not even in my subconscious do they exist. it did assist me in handling some deep issues though. I know things about myself that in all honesty, I could probably have lived happily not knowing. everyone has both good and bad tendencies in them. I am aware of my own capabilities, regardless of wreather or not I ever act on them, however childhood experience also indicates everyone is capable, I simply choose not to do these things I know in the right circumstances I would be capable of.

I use it a lot. sometimes it leads to TMI moments where I splurge about the past, though as I know what is appropriate and what is not, I go in and basically learn to put it elsewhere. Basically whatever you keep inside, or if you go into flashbacks while using it, will come out in your writing. as for the occult version? for those who use it, be careful. I don't use Oiji boards for the same reasons... I believe in letting the dead stay where they are. if I truly need them, perhaps it will be said in a dream... this I believe, however to purposefully disrespect the dead(and to me this is disrespect) by calling them from it to ask them questions or whatnot, is selfish and wrong. to those who do not agree, you are entitled to what you believe and I to what I believe. as long as nobody forces their beliefs on anyone else and me and mine are let to live (part my the creed, "live and let live") without you harming or trying to force your beliefs on us(though harming anyone is something I would have to say has no religious boundaries an is never acceptable-but in defense of harm to you and yours and even then permanent damage is not allowed-only defense-very strict-basically if I see someone beating the holy hell outta someone else or I see a kid beaten up, I won't stand by- that would constitute halping cause the harm by doing nothing)... pretty much as long as this is abided by, I have no problems with it. To each their own. you want to disturb the dead? just be aware your opening a proverbial can of worms you may not be able to close.

be careful with the above link. it leaves out some stuff. in other words, do more research if you use it.

this one is basically automatic writing put to a different use. it all depends on your intent. I like using it to write my story I am working on... the downside is due to my past, my "creativity"  is tainted with my own experiences. basically I end up writing them in. I find it easier to incorporate more fantasy after gushing all my issues out in my diary.

make sure you do further research after this link. it is very general and I see much to be cautious of when communicating with your subconscious.

The above is useful to figuring out some techniques but as to myself, I find it useful to go very slowly.

"you subconscious may resist" is putting it lightly. as people we are inherently resistant to change and above all else you must first accept everything in your subconscious.

when I know a bad habit I first examine myself, and then, I change it from within. to me, changing a behavior is pointless if I don't change myself at my very deepest self as not changing that makes changing your behavior temporary at best.

I caution those on medications. you conscious mind is not the only part of you effected. I found the tendencies medications brought out behavior wise(the self harm) were things that are lesser tendencies inside my deepest self. while I changed the thing itself, I still recognize the things that made me that way to begin with still linger and cannot be erased. knowing your subconscious also makes you more sensitive to things that happen and are done. I was already very sensitive before I started this many years ago. I do not express half of what I feel and am completely aware of both my conscious and unconscious portions of my mind.
this one is useful but as the rest, an incomplete source. they also neglect to say a chief cause of "tired" brain is stress or simply being overwhelmed.before you panic about their techniques not working, try a good nights sleep and healthy eating habits. this is why I don't use caffeine lots. your body isn't the only thing that needs sleep and rest and caffeine really only works for your body. if you use it lots, this may be a contributor. I am not saying stop drinking it, I am saying stop using it as a substitute int he morning for a good nights sleep. any energy giving thing can be a contributing factor as we tend to begin relying on it(I have been guilty of it at times) instead of just getting sleep. I have 2 kids... I have used it, but I used it as little as possible because I realize this.

The Mind isn't as black and white as society paints things.

for other sources Wikipedia generally is good for giving directions on where you should look(but never solely rely on it).

also try...

I got these from just typing it into yahoo, newworldencyclopedia seems a very good one for information in general but crystallinks isn't one I have much experience with.

I used this long before I even knew their were instructions for it on the internet. I read about it in a book and decided to try it. at first, my biggest obstacle was accepting what was their.

blessed be.


PS: I am a second degree in my craft, not a doctor but these are my experiences and research. next time I will do it on another type of thing, I am planning on food sensitivity therapy for my next one. I have a book here where it is in one section and it is found easily on the internet.

on that note, (yes I am long winded), I recommend "the natural physician's healing therapies-proven remedies that medical doctors don't know about" :by Mark Stengler, N.D. forward by James F. balch M.D.

be blessed

Monday, January 23, 2012

tarot reading

I am back for the tarot reading. I just spent almost an hour talking to a lovely woman and now I am drinking tea to not only keep hydrated(and healthy as it is a good tea for overall health and wellness high in antioxidants), and help keep my voice optimum volume. this is my first night working the lines since losing my voice. I am rather proud of myself for doing so well.

other than that I have been chatting with friends, studying and doing the dreaded homework.

all in all, I think tonight is pretty good. I am working, I am drinking warm tea, and I got to talk to a friend I haven't spoken to in quite awhile. these are things I don't do very often. I tend to drink cold tea, I haven't been able to do this since the incident, and me and her have both been so busy we don't speak much anymore.

it's the middle of the night, I am kinda tired, and I have a busy day ahead of me tomorrow.

somehow... well... I will put it to you this way. despite the drawbacks of respective work places, working puts me in a good mood. ^^ I enjoy working. I know it is weird but I AM a weirdo who enjoys studying, why should I be normal? If being weird means I enjoy working, enjoy playing with my kids, don't mind not going out to and staying home(in fact I enjoy it), enjoy being busy, and enjoy working despite the issues you are bound to have at various points(probably also weird for admitting this as well), well then, normal can kiss my rather large buttocks! I like being me so they can kiss it and get over it! if I wasn't weird like me I would be "normal like" them... and lets face it, it is hard enough to be yourself with your own problems. nobody wants the problems that come from being what someone else wants you to be.

it would simply make no sense.

anyway, laters


Saturday, January 21, 2012

research project

I am doing a research project for school. sorry not lots of time to blog right now but...!/LunaTruemoons

their my twitter if anyone want to find me their... on YOUTUBE, I am darkladyinthemoon just so nobody gets confused... in real life I just go by my nickname, Luna.

Anyway, I gotta keep cracking on my homework. It is something that should be easy but isn't due to finance. she had to ask us to do something on that.... *sigh* but most ppl don't know how to do this so... I can see it.




Friday, January 20, 2012


My newest vid. It is displaying a bra I made.... and *roles eyes* yes, their is cleavage. how would I show it properly if I wasn't WEARING it? anyway, I do customizations and alterations so please let me know if anyone is interested. ^^

ah... and here is one I made last night... only available from my blog.

called, "otaku?"

what? was I not supposed to jealously give my blog special treatment? this is a weird revelation... well... watch and find out, till next time.


Thursday, January 19, 2012


What has been seen cannot be unseen.




My video where I managed to sing. ^^, I am glad I managed to sing... some history on that, the pentacle is the fathers, not those who kill him. Take it as you will, just don't make how you take it an issue of me and mine.

live and let live.

here is my other vid, just something I made... well, not finished but... it has been awhile since I tried to make a pattern from scratch like this.

Hope you like it, they were supposed to be edited together but it wouldn't let me and I didn't want to fuss with it anymore.



Wednesday, January 18, 2012

assignment-life plan(the assignment version-nothing too personal)

- this leaves out some personal goals just out of principle.

1) 5 year plan- own business(apothecary), and have college degree so that I may be a forensic artist, to be financially stable, and find a good school to begin my children's early education. An added goal is to find a dojo and learn at least 3 styles of martial arts. To learn French, Japanese, and Spanish fluently and to brush up on my ASL. An addded language would be Gaelic(this one could also go to the ten year plan as I am realistic).

2) 10 year plan- Successful business(apothecary), have enough experience to devote time to volunteering to do forensic art for an organization to help poorer families find their missing children and loved ones(mostly for the kids to be honest). Also in ten years I wish to have on top of this, a degree in law and another goal is to not only own a home and some land to be able to pass on to my kids and grandchildren long after I pass, but to also have a side law business "on income". By this time I have hopes to have expanded my business and begun plans for a degree in psychiatry/counseling. To know Irish Gaelic, Scottish Gaelic, french, Spanish, British English, Japanese, and at least one dialect of Chinese.

3) 20 year plan- For my apothecary business to be very successful and well known, to have raised my children well and know they are bright young men out in this world who will know right from wrong and live with honor(this one was obvious in my mind so I figured it wasn't too personal), to have become a 3rd degree(and a high priestess- by both credentials and the merits of my religion's spiritual belief's-the degree in psychiatry or counseling is generally a very suggested credential for this to be recognized in today's society), to have mastered at least 3 forms of martial arts, to be able to apply for a job with the embassy. also to learn more languages as I so learn of them, such as hebrew, or ancient Egyptian. I leave this part of my goals to be flexible as you never know what could happen(I could end up changing the order of them, or needing one more than another, or simply put, moving on to the next one too quickly for this to keep up).

A majority of my family goals were left out, as I believe they should go without saying. My ultimate goal is to achieve this while being a loving and attentive mother, so all that goes with that should go without saying.

I took several different tests and found them to be inconsistent.

First one gave me "INTJ", second one gave me "INTJ" again, and the third one gave me "ENFJ"- ENFJ: "Pedagogue".

I do not agree or disagree with most of it, although the second one took it pretty far, categorizing me as a "mastermind" however it also said my type only makes up 2.1% of the complete and totaled population. I am further described as a slightly expressed introvert, moderately expressed intuitive, slightly expressed thinking, and slightly expressed judging. According to these I am also an outstanding leader, and a bit dedicated to helping others be the best and reach their own full potential.

The third one said I was in the 5%. either way it is saying I ride the short bus of society(a bad joke I know but I am laughing-for those who don't know it is a joke about being special). I disagree. I am not some sort of special and not common type.

To be perfectly honest, I am a bit on the "preachy" side when it comes to helping my friends be their best, but I also hate being walked on or taken advantage of. as for the slightly express and whatnot, I niether agree nor disagree. It would be pointless. as for the leading business... I don't care for what the power of it does to people. I just want to walk my own path, live in peace, reach my goals, raise my family, and not become some corrupt power hungry fool(and their is the judgmental side... see?). I strive to live and let live, and live a balanced life filled with positive energy, honor, and positive energy, but I am also realistic and realize my plans can change at any point to fit current reality. I don't see this in here... you would think that would be important. Anyway, the mastermind thing is all something to laugh at to me. Me? Oh hell no. If I was a master mind I wouldn't get into so many odd situation's in life where I need help, I would simply "mastermind" my way around them and scoot effortlessly through life... to call any human a mastermind is a fools aspiration. The only thing we are masterminds of is thinking we are more important than other creatures in creation. I enjoy studying and have always enjoyed philosophy, foreign cultures, and languages... oh yes, old stories passed down by word of mouth or writing but I have always loved such things.

anyway, the point is, I am way too honest to be a mastermind of anything. a mastermind would know how to keep their trap shut.

In all honesty, I have no idea what this has to do with "the price of apples" as my mother would have said. I will succeed regardless of obstacles, and if that is my human arrogance, then so be it, I will still do it all.

Monday, January 16, 2012

sent to another store

I was sent to another store. I was told at several places "fluent Spanish speakers only", the fact that I am learning Spanish meant nothing. Another place(game-stop up at spectrum mall) was talking to a kiddo about how he was doing interviews in the "next two weeks" as the kiddo turned in his application. I know my game systems, I know more than enough to answer peoples questions. I know my games too, gaming is just not on the top of my to do list in a day. I qualify for the job and have not been told why but this is not the first time I have applied at this store. Anyway, after telling the kid he was hiring... when I walked up closer and asked if he was hiring "accepting applications". Oh for the love of frigging FRUIT! Not the first time this has happened at various places.

I am female and I look younger than I am apparently, "you are over 18 aren't you?" is a common question. I am tired of being underestimated and will forever be thankful that that one person at the sewing shop let me do something to at least show him I could "control" a machine. To me, that is a very basic skill in sewing. The woman who spent her time teaching me to sew wouldn't have let me touch HER machine or have bought me my own unless I could. However, every machine is different and I was terrified of not doing it right. My peddle is sensitive, and he tested me on an industrial. I haven't seen one of these things in... well in movies? but I used it. I watched him to observe. My machine can't go that fast, I always break the thread when I do. I swear when I brought up making Halloween costumes for my sister growing up and how I could hem and all that jazz... I had just proven I was honest about being able to use a sewing machine... do I look like a lair? I don't think so, but I do suppose I don't look like  seamstress. I have been able to sew most of my life. My Achilles is quilting. I can make the "comfort" pillows made out of little squares but do NOT ask me to quilt. It is something of an ongoing project due to pride. I refuse to give up this stupid quilt I am making with little tiny squares but... I cannot do it for as long as it needs and because they are squares of my own design, they are designed to be made without the stuffing. basically, each individual square is time consuming in of itself.

When I am done with this quilt it is being given to my kids. as for future quilts.... no. I have never found alterations to be hard but... the ones I did on this one dress I made... a lot of it had to be done by hand because of the nature of said alterations. I hate hand sewing. don't get me wrong, I am good at it and I don't mind for buttons and whatnot... but like how this guy said he stays away from sleeves... I used to sew my barbie cloths and hand sewing never ceases to hurt my fingers, no matter how many times I do it I never form the callouses. I was however told once, I use my hands like a seamstress. she was old enough to be my grandmothers grandmother so with all due respect, I am going to assume she was around long enough to know.

I have a YOUTUBE vid uploading right now of my work as a seamstress. ignore my prattling and pay attention, and yeah, I show my seams after. since this is just a reversal of an alteration I made to accommodate me while I was pregnant and after my c sections.... I am not really concerned with how it looks too much. I wear this thing to bed mostly and in all honesty, it is designed in such a way nobody will notice even if I did.

And yeah... a neighbor sprayed again. because I sprayed not long ago, my "problem" will go away in a few days. basically it is too clean and too many parts have been sprayed for them to keep living here. no matter what I do though, the drain issue is never fixed. yeah... I am ashamed to say it but, we have a bug problem. according to the apartment managers everyone gets them out of the kitchen sink but before some people left they informed me to watch out for them in the bathroom, I was naive... I thought it would be too low to rent to someone knowing these problems are all ongoing, but nope. so yeah, at one point I squish a bug and I am ashamed to say, it is indeed a constant battle against bugs. I have these sound thingies in the walls(bug repellant basically), I have used traps, and even used "industrial" poisons(and no, I hate using poison, but my family is more important, and yeah I realize the natural stuff is out their but... money, and roaches are very tough to deal with... specifically curtain areas tend to be issues. I have a wall I have to keep stuff away from of no matter if you spray it or not, even if nothing else is infested or has them... somehow... damn fire wall. the apartments are old and have these walls that are supposed to stop the spread of fire if you have one. I reported several times this was an issue and my ex neighbor had the same problem... anything by the fire wall is subject. I hear these things can survive nuclear holocaust and with the lengths I and others have gone through... these little creepers defy logic. Honestly, if you pay attention, more than the fire wall(which from observing and studying them at times-I was the creepy entomology and aquaculture girl... I was bound to pick up some things before squishing them-entomology is the study of creepy crawly bugs and insects, they also generally include arachnids which is why I stopped doing competition-fear of spiders- seeing them plastered on the screen like that with no warning... yeah... no. aquaculture is aquatics but mostly we did fish and fish identification). anyway, the point is, one day I figured I needed to try and figure out where they kept coming from. the rug. every time you get rid of an issue in this apartment... the rug. watching the behavior of the bugs they do indeed seek refuge in the fire wall but for whatever reason do not stay their, especially now, but I know the reason for that, the bug sound thing's work to an extent. the rug... is old, and coming apart. once I asked them to fix it because it was unraveling. that was months ago... I let them know when we first noticed the issue. apparently the carpet was inappropriately installed by someone previous and had no guard to stop it form doing such. anyway, the told me to use duct tape. I have... but in all honesty it doesn't solve the issue.

when someone moves out they go in and take out the carpet, and they did something horrible in the way of refusing to fix stuff to my neighbor too. I have a list of things I have asked them to fix more than once and they have said "we will get to it when we get to it" which is never. *shakes head* They don't return my calls and they do not allow you to record personal interactions so I can't prove anything by words alone, and they don't sign off on anything... accept rent that is, of course. complaining to the persona above them results in being given a not so subtle hint of having them investigated or you move out... but of course they still get paid so basically... they tell you to shut up or they will drive you out. Look, I am not stupid, I know they have no intention of doing anything about this, and they continually blame the owner. the manager has been in my apartment when i wasn't home too. at first I dismissed some things as maybe my cats moving them but... no. I caught her as she was leaving one day. I still don't know if she knows I caught her. I was NOT happy about that. My apartment is clean, I vacuum, mop and sweep regularly. I make sure to not keep trash lying around, basic things but I keep them up. their excuse is invalid. the time I caught her, I came in and some weird dirt was sprinkled on my floor. a friend came over while I was cleaning it up. this is not the first or the last time this has happened. I told my friend it was just lucky making a mess again but... these are indoor cats, their is no way they could possibly bring in that kind of dirt... and I did inspect pieces of it, some of it was more like soil pieces you would find in gardening(I have many hobbies, gardening was a favorite growing up and still is just not to the same extent, I prefer useful plants now instead of the pretty flowers I once loved so much-too much pain in the ass for a delicate thing with little to no use besides being pretty-anyway point being those little white foam like looking things and mulch were in it... I don't have any soil as I don't have any house plants right now... this stuff was fresh too, ug... how do you explain the feel and smell of soil when it is fresh or used? anyway, the point being, I didn't just look at it and say it wasn't what I thought, I inspected  and investigated everything first before I decide the issue, this wasn't normal and her presence caught leaving my apartment made her suspect number one, and really who else has a key? nobody that I know of, I haven't given out my key-point being I am not paranoid, I actually looked into it and did research to discern the issue and then cleaned it up, the point being it is annoying and appalling they would do that and I am left to wonder why, and trust me, that wasn't all that was done-you don't wanna know and it took me awhile to clean it up-distinctly different smells... oh goodness a good nose is not always a good thing- but it is useful for knowing the difference in human and cat) my couch had been moved... and cats can't move couches. anyway, the point is, they go through a lot of trouble for little me when in reality fixing the apartment seems much easier in my mind. woudln't it just be easier if they would just fix the stuff wrong and move on instead of stooping so low?

I had no issues with this manager until she found out my religion. if that isn't her reason, I would love to hear it because she obviously made this personal. I have payed my rent and expect them to do their jobs. I am avoided like I have some disease. When they put out notices they put it on my door even if they can see I am home. they apparently only knock on a tenants door if they like them. I heard form my ex neighbor that they were telling people they wouldn't fix anything cuz it was dirty. even my ex neighbor(and we don't get along mind you) would tell you that wasn't the case. My apartment is clean. They have no such excuse and in all honesty, I have seen some of these places... they had no issue fixing one place that actually was filthy. I don't see their excuse but... I have to live with what they say and do. My own actions and words... OK, while people assuming crap is annoying at least it is my own fault for opening my mouth and assuming people would investigate before calling me crazy and not looking any deeper, but come ON, you don't have to look very far to find the truth... it is sheer laziness that I am brushed off.

As for the places I apply at... it is exceedingly annoying to know so much about body language. I can already tell you most times what line of thinking they are taking. I applied at Basha's. I don't know why but when he heard my last name the store person who is apparently something of a big cheese at this store, changed in his reactions. I couldn't read him so well... even I have my limits. I am proud of what I can do because at one point I wasn't capable of reading people at all, so I worked hard to improve. Again, that is how I live. I find an issue and find a way to either fix it or live with it. for the most part though, I keep my mouth shut because in perfect honesty... nobody likes you to point out they just told a doozy... like "4 years in the military" but only 20 years old... I was told that today. they would have had to be 16... i am not THAT bad at math.


PS: here is the link to my video.     you should read my rant at the bottom... I am still running through all the things I take for granted trying to figure out what skills exist that normal people never learned to do. I enjoy learning and always have. it was being the hated outcast nerd who wasn't allowed to have friends I hated. later on I was allowed but... by then I didn't know how to socialize "properly" so the school often just pushed me into helping with the kindergarten get the idea, instead of helping me overcome it they made it worse, while I enjoyed helping out it was... another reason to be bullied) ... so I have skills? Wow... what other jobs am I qualified to do that I don't know I am qualified to do?

today- fretting over seeing someone about a job

Today I am on my way out soon. I don't want to show up too early... I am not sure what looks good for a job... hope I get it, they said to turn in an application and we would "go from their"... so... crossing my fingers. oh crap... another clothing repair I missed.  I used repairing cloths to keep me in this weekend... so I wouldn't show up on Saturday or Sunday and seem... annoying. I really need this job so I am trying to do this right, even if I don't really know what that is in such a case. I am following rules typically given socially.

OK, gotta make a couple phone calls and then out the door. I am so nervous... and the shower I took missed the glitter. *sigh* I hope that isn't a problem. takes me a few days with daily showers to get it all off(can you tell I have been here before), and I am kinda weird about one place it ended up. normally I wouldn't mind if it was just me but... it is bound to draw attention! Makes it worse that the manager is male... omg... what if he thinks I am trying to hit on him or something like that?! I got a bunch down my shirt and couldn't get it off... at least it is silver.... I like silver. at least it wasn't the red glitter this time..-_-... that would REALLY go "look at me" and be even more inappropriate. I hope I am wearing the right cloths for this. AH! I forgot to put on my shoes! ............ which ones should I done for this? obviously none of the pairs my cat chews the heals of as that wouldn't look professional and would be uncomfortable anyway. I don't know if my fav shoes are appropriate but ironically those boots are the most appropriate thing I have in "nice" value. the pants are long enough... and they are ridged to have good grip walking... maybe they won't notice they are heals? I usually wear them on days an old injury needs a bit extra babying... maybe they won't notice they are heels? they are black... leather... well I think they are leather anyway. I have had them for what seems like ever.

I had a pair of shoes I got for things like this but... -_-... the "finish" on them came off. my other boots are ankle highs and are falling apart. at this point it looks like the trash bin is in their future... or I could just sew them up where they are coming apart and paint them as art work... that would be fun. I have never painted shoes before. I am at my best truly when doing something I enjoy... like painting anything but paper. I like useful art, and while they won't really be useful... maybe they will make someone smile, like that "princess cape" I made for a neighbor girl. I told her mom to let me know if she needed anything altered or fixed on it, I have never made one of those before and I am always nervous when presenting something I made.

oh shit, ranting again... oops.



PS: I hope it made whoever reads this laugh, I have been told my rants are anywhere on the spectrum form funny to annoying, particularly when I am fretting over something small and picking apart things like that to worry over... and see? now I am fretting over the relevance over this being in my blog and it's entertainment value.... and.... @.@

update of updates

a lot has happened the past few days. I wasn't able to update due to "technical difficulties", this translates into... I fucked up my computer and wasn't able to do so until I fixed it.

On the 13nth I tried to get somewhere important but got unbearably lost and turned around. I was having trouble and ended up somewhere on dobbins and what the directions said was supposed to be "Bethany"(I feel so stupid now), but was in fact something else. In all honesty, it is late and i am half asleep. when I remember it later(in my fully awake state) I will add it. On those cross-streets is a car wash. I stopped their to use their phone and ask directions. I was rather panicked and frozen with not knowing what to do. their was NO way I was going to make it in time by this point and I had left well early enough(had horrid luck with getting lost and getting off to transfer just as the one I was transferring to was leaving) that I should have been their about 2 hours early(but knowing me I was planning only 1 hour early as... I get lost, easily). Anyway, the guy that works on the machines offered me a ride, and nomrally I wouldn't have accepted, but this was important. I was honestly terrified, I didn't know this man... so in true me fashion I decided to strike up conversation... "so, do you do this often, offer rides to strange girls", with my past I was nervous but he didn't seem like the type... anyway he said "oh no, I just like doing nice things for people." and you know... that is exactly what he did. He found it and got me their. I was happy and relieved.

Now is time to laugh at me. After panicking and doing the "I thought is was the 27th!"(and someone actually asked me earlier that day and I told her the 27nth), it was canceled and put on the 27nth. So after feeling thoroughly bashful and appropriately embarrassed... among other things, I decided to find my way home and figure out a viable way to get back WITHOUT getting lost next time. A nice bus driver was agreeable to letting me know different routes.

He let me off right across the street from the stop I had to transfer to. He was being nice but... I am too chicken to break the law on purpose. yep, if I was a D&D character I would be a "lawful good" character with "neutral tendencies", all this means is that if it isn't hurting anyone I don't really care to be frank. Not my business what you do as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. Obviously if it effects my family I care... nicotine and "spice" both are banned items in my apartment, but outside is allowed, but no... spice isn't even allowed IN my apartment. I run a tight rule for anything like that. no drugs and no "legal" drugs. In any home of mine, that is law. Most may see that as no fun, but I am going to point one nifty factoid out, I am allergic and asthmatic. -_- this rule is both for my children's health in not being raised around that crap and for mine as well. I react to the second hand smoke of cigarets and "joints" so I have to be careful. as for first hand cigarets at least(as the reaction is only standard to something being in the air and not actual allergy for this) I think I smoke like 1 a month... been a couple months actually. And even I must follow my own rule. Under no circumstances is it allowed around my children. My asthma was caused by second hand smoke and as asthma and respiratory problems run in the family(emphysema in particular has killed a great many generations-basically you live long enough in my family it kills you too-as I am at such high risk... I am only allowed one cigaret a week when I do smoke more, I wish to be here for my kids and not dead from some disease so I set rules to minimize the risk, however stress is bad as well and under high stress situations if I have the funds, I allow the once a week, otherwise I prefer to abstain as is my right), anyway, as respiratory problems run in the family, I do not wish to tempt any issus my chidlren may have waiting to spring up so smoke free zone is my place.

Ah.... wait... I was oh yeah. The bus driver let me off across the street(I had sugar and am half asleep, can you tell?) and I was too afraid to let him know I wasn't going to cross, and even wanted to cross just so he wouldn't feel it was a waist, then I saw it. A police training center... no way. so I waited for him to leave and my chicken ass walked around. It wasn't terribly busy on the roads so I probably could have managed but... I was trying to DE chicken myself to breaking the j walking law BEFORE I saw the police center... nu uh, not in a million trillion years could you get me to willingly break the law let alone convince me to so much a j walk across the street from a training center. Now granted chances are I would have continued to be chicken anyway but... in all honesty, I just prefer to follow the law when I know it. I grew up hearing "if you cross the street without holding my hand or looking both ways, and not at a crosswalk the big people in blue uniforms will come take you for a long time out with no coloring books or anything and no mommy to bail you out!" needless to say, although my brother was the one receiving the tongue thrashing and tall tail woven to keep him alive(he tried to run across without us he was like 3 and I was... 5 I think... I heard of the incident from my grandmother before she died) so in all honesty, it was in me from the beginning. breaking the law is not in my list of things I like to do.

I prefer to keep myself as law abiding as possible and panic when I find out I broke any law... yep, I have a phobia of breaking the law. actually the phobia is the consequences of breaking the law... no way in hell you will be putting me in some tiny dull room all alone with no outside time and PINK underwear! nu uh! NOT ME! I understand it may sound childish but... for those of us who grew up able to keep our noses clean and love nature and the freedom to go outside and whatnot... jail is terrifying. I don't have the money for fines so that is terrifying to. in all honesty, I just try to follow any laws I know. If I don't know them... I follow them when I find out they exist. So... it may seem silly to you and my husband often chastised me for it... but... while not getting hit by a car is important, even when the street isn't busy, crossing it where I know it isn't legal to cross, terrifies me even to this day. a childish thing but... I am afraid to break the law and I am afraid of jail. not the worst fears one could have now is it?

anyway, I finally got my computer up a running for the things I do(although I managed to work messenger before and a few sites pulled up, nothing that required passwords or logging in would work... and my fav browser went buh bye so I had to figure out how to get it back... and well... pretty much is that way.

so I have been busying myself this weekend(gave myself recoup and get stuff done time and then on Monday I am headed out again, managers to places tend to be their more on weekdays and less on weekends from what I hear so... yeah-I needed the down time anyway to take care of my health-not that it is bad, just if I don't take care of it it can get not so great so I am taking care of myself). hehehe.... and... just for this blog(can't see it on YOUTUBE, I just gave my lil brother-although well into adulthood-my YouTube user name so I don't want him to know his sister draws stuff like that... nothing too bad but... oh you will see.

it is the "project" I have been working on. I have finally picked a name for it! I am sure I will probably be tempted to change it but... "Gemini hearts" seems a good and catchy name. no this isn't all of it. due to an issue with me personally, it takes me occasionally longer to draw such things because I have to be closer and such wish you could see it better than this, I am seldom proud of my work. and don't you just love the tired daze of "duh" I am in in the video? yep... anyway.

This is Luna saying-bed time now! I only got 4 hours... and yep, my alarm is set. If it doesn't go off today I am going to switch it with the other one. that has been an issue lately and managing to get a job will be pointless if I can't keep the damn thing! so... this alarm clock is getting one more chance. last time was also one more chance... I just... realized it was my fault after. I set it to PM instead of AM. -_-


Many blessings!


PS: sorry, still waiting for my voice to recover more. I just realized I wasn't talking  very loud so you may wish to turn it up, that is as loud as I go for now. after the incident, it is kinda just me waiting for my voice to come back. it isn't the complete lack of sound it used to be and it isn't whispering.... but... well... sorry it isn't louder.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

people are odd

You would think after so long conscious of the internet I would realize how much it can do but like so many, I often don't.

Most people do not consider saving anything they get or using it sparingly, I do. So that, even after losing government assistance, I still am using a tiny bit I had left... apparently they just assume you still have it.

I never considered how many would know things form my Facebook posts and my blog. It is... an interesting conclusion but no less appalling when you realize just how many know of something but stand by and watch while doing nothing. story of my life I suppose.

I frequent a nearby circle k and the nearby fry's. while I had issues with individuals, I have never gone out of my way to make issues of it. That day I had my mute job hunt was horrible on so many levels but I found enough things to laugh at. then the next day I had to take the bus... I was on a time oriented schedule and to be honest... still in pain form my earlier issues cause by the day before. Now today, I am setting off to a doctors appointment... walking. I think I have established that I have no intention of stopping what I need to do over life's obstacles.

I need a job. I don't have a car. I don't even know how to drive... so I have to walk many places.

I am a hard worker, detailed, more than willing to work, I know how to keep my mouth shut and not complain, I am organized, I am clean, and in all honesty I am willing to do the work and not take that I have it for granted. I don't know spanish but am learning it, and am plenty happy to say my voice issue is improving and the damage most likely temporary. I am still appalled at what happened to me and I sincerely hope they do not repeat this travesty with anybody else.

I still can't get on Facebook and will soon probably just create a new one and keep it at that. having 2 was a pain in the ass anyway. If I could I would delete my old accounts but in all honesty, I don't think it will let me do that. I can't get in to them to do it either. go figure. Either way, I will keep an account for keeping in touch with friends and pretty much leave it at that. while I don't mind an app or two... they tend to be something you accumulate friends specifically for  and... that isn't something I want. I was purely a my-space fiend before my husband bullied me into Facebook so he could have another vampire wars friend, and in all honesty, while it was amusing enough I had even played it on MySpace... social networking on the internet is more trouble than it is worth when you add "just for the game" friends. I didn't even realize how many people could read things and... I suppose you could say it was a big jump from my tiny friends list on MySpace. I can't get into those either actually but I was on it so little I am not worried about it. To me, internet socializing only became important while my children were napping infants who needed lots but slept lots too. it was something to do while keeping awake, something to focus on when you were tired but needed to stay up.

I never realized how odd everything is on the internet.

People are odd.

In person they don't mention they saw you or have previously met you or seen your picture on the internet but... it is kinda odd for me. I was stalked and assaulted some years ago and have never knowingly placed my geographical information on the internet since then. I have mastered the "art" of "speak much, say little"... to a degree, I am still far too honest for my own damn good.

Anyway, I hope anyone reading this enjoys it and I am planning on doing another vid soon, this one specifically to be funny(or try to be), but will most likely end up being for the sheer hell of it entertainment. I know I am not funny, I just hope it makes somebody smile. Lifts a down and trod on heart... some thing like that... it is what I enjoy doing the most... well not the most. being a mom and making THEM smile will always triumph but... other than that yeah.

My name is my own, I go by "Luna", I watch zombie movies knowing it will scar the shit out of me and/or give me nightmares later, one of my favorite movies of all time is brave-heart, and due to a legend my father used to tell me about a girl on the moon, I have always enjoyed sailor moon, while I do not see anime characters as sexual I do enjoy drawing them with little-no clothing for entertainment value(basically, I can, it is amusing, and it is legal), I have two children who are my entire world, I am quirky, weird, and despite my ability to be open like this, often very private and closed off from people in general(not that they realize this most of the time). I have always rather be the prince who does the saving rather than the princess who gets saved... but I can see why with he eternal devotion of the princess as it is portrayed in fairy tales. I keep going even when it seems hopeless, and I am odd, even for my own religion. I have been through hell, enough of it that I am not afraid or surprised at a great many things others are. This last part makes it hilarious that although I have been through so much, I am still afraid of getting shots(though I still do it when required of me), and I still think all the "beauty" things women do are sadistic and intimidating both... yet I have been through far worse, so it is funny to me how these things still scar me. It will never cease to amaze me. Their was even a time I couldn't watch zombie movies because of my past. I have seen people die, but a needle scars the bejeebees outta me. I think that is funny. And yeah, my ideal night is a quiet night with nature or a book... or conversing with friends. I hate loud, crowded places but I hate silence more. I love music but think the sound of my children's voices is better than any music ever created.

Most importantly, I am me, and I am proud to be weird and myself. sometimes being yourself is tougher than being what others want you to be.

I think everyone shoudl just be themselves. I am much happier being me than I ever was not being such. And in all honesty, while I do enjoy communicating and singing, I hate the sound of my own voice anyway, so regardless of what happens, I will be happy with what I can say. I like sitting off to the side and not being talkative but everyone always asks me what is wrong when I do. I talk incessantly because of this promise I made to myself regarding my brother hating it when I was quiet... we were little kids and it was probably stupid, but even when I couldn't remember having a brother... it can be said "a promise made with your whole heart, is a promise your heart will never forget, even if you do". I am glad to know this. I made that promise with my heart... and even though my brother said I didn't have to talk so much anymore... I won't believe that really until we are face to face. I plan on reverting to the annoying and hyper elder sister just long enough to get my grease monkey of a brother covered in dirt from being tackled to the ground. I will probably chicken out at the last minute out of fear of hurting him. Plan B is pocky punishment. I am a naturally energetic person... so... on Pocky... lets just say it is worse... lots worse, oh yeah, and during pregnancy that gets even worse. My poor husband banned me form pocky... then he changed his mind and gave me some just so he could laugh. I must say though... the children got plenty of giggles out of it. no... I am wierd and happy with that.

As for the past... time is really all I need. Time, and a few girls nights in... and some days spent with family... and to get a job so I can provide for us... that is... all I need. My diary can be my dumpster for all my past... the future is what I live for. time will heal the wounds of old... and perhaps one day... I will be able to face the past as I do the future... but... what would be the point? I will leave the past in the past where it belongs and strive for my family and me to head into the future and live in the present. that... is how it should be.

People are odd not to realize this... people are people and much better just being themselves. no colors, or races, no rich or poor, just people being people.


PS: and yes, I am an unrepentant geeky nerd.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Mute job hunt

I left today originally intending to head to the store while job hunting. Plans changed.

For those who don't know, from 46th ave and Bethany(the store I was at asking), I was directed to a store she said was understaffed... circle k. it wasn't a circle k and by the time I got their I was sore, and kinda irritated at being lied to. I am just going to go with "she made an honest mistake" and go on with my day. I walked from 46th ave, and Bethany to 51st and Bethany, then to 51st and Glendale where she had said the store was. No circle k, but an exon.

So... I figured, I was their, I needed a job... and hadn't been to that area lots yet so... why not keep going?

I did. I walked along Glendale all the way up to 43rd. then I walked back down on the other side. all this way I was stopping at places to ask. I think I missed a few places so I will save them for next time.

It is hard to job hunt while you can't speak. I was unprepared. I am so not used to this. I took sign language years ago to study the body language. I never really excelled at it but I know enough to get by. I was taking Spanish online before... and I can understand tiny bits and pieces, just enough to get the gist.

Their was this one place I stopped at, asked if they were hiring. Most people assume that if you can't speak you can't hear... on guy asked me for quarters and I tried to tell him  I didn't have any and then ask if he knew anyone who was hiring for work. He told me he didn't have any money then backed away like I was a leper and held his hands to himself like he could catch whatever I have. My vocal cords are not working due to an incident. You can't catch that. I sometimes manage to make small sounds and I can whisper very softly, I managed louder for awhile earlier... but it kinda fades the more I do it. so far I can get it to whisper level. after two days that was as good as it got... But like everything else in life, you have to keep going and live past it, not because of it, and live with it, not against it.

I can't talk. I can hear, I can see, and their are other ways to communicate. I can do this... it is just going to take some adjusting. I will admit though, I am still hoping it is temporary. I miss singing to my kids and being able to speak what I need. I never had to remember a pen and paper to communicate with before.

Some notable stops for me(besides the guy who acted like being mute was some sort or contagion, I honestly don't think I will ever forget that one), were this liquor store where because I can't write Spanish the owner and manager assumed I wouldn't get the gist. I got it. essentially "your the manager, you tell her no!" the man was too sweet, he told me to come back on Monday. I don't want pity for not being able to speak but I was kinda touched he had too much heart to tell me the truth. I know enough Spanish to know he didn't want to tell me no, and enough to know... well... the basic understanding of what was being said. Happens more and more.

I don't have a TTY but I know what one is and I know the gist of it... I don't have one. I took ASL for almost 3 years in high school but while I found it fascinating to be able to communicate with others I may not have been able to before... I was much more interested in essentially dissecting sign language and studying it. I admit it... the languages intone to body language was fascinating and at the time... that was something I needed to learn. I am as of now, glad I took it for another reason, though I need to brush up on it. I am rusty.

It isn't easy job searching while unable to speak, that is for sure. On the bright side, I got a lead for an apprenticeship at a tattoo parlor but it was getting late and no offense... I needed to come back or I was afraid I would be pushing myself to much. On the bright side I am in a good enough place physically that I will clear myself to go to a dojo and see if they are willing to train me as a karate assistant. I don't look like much and in all honesty I am way outta practice(I was very little... so er... other than practicing on my own and dreaming of formal-non daddy-instruction was really all I had, building off what I knew and pushing onwards)... but... I know I can do it. I know it won't be easy. I am severely out of practice, and today's escapades show me new areas and old both that I need to work on muscle wise.

It was annoying and irksome not being able to talk. Their were some who showed only a passing interest and no effort to understand me, and some who I was glad they did make that effort. the ones who made the effort were the ones I was enormously grateful to. Those were the ones I felt like that was enough, even if they weren't hiring, they didn't have applications, and even if they were the nicest or the bitchiest person alive, I was just glad someone understood what I was trying to say. Apparently the sign for "work" is not widely known... "are you hiring for work?" is apparently not easy to get across. some people tried and then got paper and some didn't, I was immensely grateful to the ones who tried. their were some who just looked at me like I was nuts. -__-

Ironically(if you know the punk stereo types that is, I just never gave a crap what people did for a living), some of the nicest people work in tattoo parlors. this one even wrote me instructions. No offense to anyone else, and maybe it was just the one person but, I have never flat out been snubbed at a tattoo parlor, no noses were held high and while that didn't really happen today(OK, it did once or twice but not a lot and not as bad as usual, could have been worse and the noses could have been held high, just saying.. for now I am just going to say they held their heads with pride, most were not like that but their is always someone), I must admit. I like art, I like drawing on people... I am terrified of any needle coming towards my own skin... sounds good to me. I would have blast. I really do love art. I am in art school, but not for tattooing... not for painting either, and sorry, water colors have always been my worst medium for those who have seen my work on you-tube or on here(I don't have lots of it but be my guest to look). Could you imagine that one at career day as the kids get older? I can... "My mommy gets paid to draw on people and find little kids who are far away from home", hehehe, I admit it, I was in dream land while I walked, "what if" land... you know, dreams of the future. But with me, I plan to join a dojo either way... hm... "my mommy gets paid to teach discipline and how to handle bullies" so OK, not going to encourage my kids to beat the snot outta bullies but... I admit to taking out my fair share in my younger days... my brother was scrawny and they didn't quite get the picture of not bullying him. I don't advocate violence but neither do I advocate laying down and taking it either... sometimes though diplomacy is best. just saying... when it wasn't... it was what I needed to do to keep my brother safe and I did it. I didn't like it, and I never will... though I do enjoy the  art itself... I am a pacifist and have always hated violence. I just never hesitated when it meant my family would suffer if I did. self defense only.

I would enjoy that job immensely... as well as working more than one. I think doing something you can enjoy helps that cuz then your not "really" working. Still, no job is more enjoyable than being a mom. I can be honest, especially as when I look at people I start imagining artwork... I myself have had enough food on me(kids) to visualize Picasso pieces on my skin... yep.... I got yelled at for drawing on my jeans growing up. I never did it again after that punishment that followed but... so too did my family make sure I had plenty of paper. I hand sew, so I can tell you it is only needles towards me that terrify me(ironic as one day I want my own tattoo... shit.. this may not end well if they require it).

One day, actually, I want my own little holistic shop and I want to help give lost or missing kids faces, yep, that is what I am in art school to do. I wouldn't be adverse to doing tattooing on the side at that point but... rather than give up my dreams I think I will just add more to it. I have always had "impossible" dreams. that just makes it all the more funny to see peoples faces when you prove it isn't so impossible after all. I do enjoy animation and I do enjoy game design but... my job is humanitarian oriented for my goals in the future. Don't get me wrong, I would take it if I got any job at this point(well almost, I refuse to work as a hooker, with all due respect, I would dance naked on a table before I would do that... and at that point I would have to be pretty desperate, I am also stage fright with dancing, the lack of clothing wouldn't help either as I am textbook shy bookworm not the type to flash anyone... I still have my "prude stamp"). that reminds me... I was walking and a school bus pulled up... my shirt flew up. I did that scream reflex thingy or embarrassed/mortified/"omg, I hope nobody saw me"... yeah, no. No such luck. I hope nobody saw it but... some older kiddos got off the bus... probably 8th grade or high school... so... I am gonna go hide my face for awhile... oh the wind hated me in high school too. I wore skirts... you know, I could so write a manga or a short story, or maybe just a book about a character with that problem. it seemed like every time I turned around, if I wore a skirt, it was lifted... -__-, and of course I didn't notice. to have to be told by your friends that the wind keeps flashing your body to the world... at least if YOU notice you can duck low and say "well, I hope nobody saw that" and pray they didn't, I had no hope... so I started wearing jeans and shirts that couldn't do that. I wore this shirt while pregnant... it was too loose...T.T... now I will slink away and hope nobody saw that.

feel free to laugh, here is my joke, "the wind is a pervert"...... lol


Monday, January 9, 2012


One of these is "edited" and one is not. I had promised myself I wouldn't post again tonight but I was rather proud of this.


Sunday, January 8, 2012


I am now reminded why I hate dresses. I don't do princess well. I would so hate the movement hindering dresses that you trip over... feel free to laugh.

I wouldn't be me if I enjoyed dancing in a movement hindering dress... PAJAMA TIME! ;P



I always hated the princess in the stories and didn't want to be her.  I wanted to be the prince. I admired throughout my life the prince... but now I see... it is because nobody like either one of them ever existed in present day and that is why so many like their stories so... for one night I will let myself be the princess in the tower. I kinda have to wear this dress anyway cuz laundry... my jeans have to dry. It is the only nice dress(actually I think it is the only dress I have period), that I own.  I wore it at my wedding, ah... I do have another dress... my bad, teeheehee.

for tonight... I will wear this dress and sing without my voice.... I will let myself flow around my living room and then I will go to bed for the night and think like a princess and let myself be weak like a princess.

My heart is solemn and circumstance calls for that strength I am not sure I have... I am unable to rescue myself this time but will try anyway even if I know it is impossible all on my own. for just tonight... I will... let myself be just a girl playing princess in her living room fantasizing about being rescued....  and then I will be true to myself and fantasize about being the prince kicking the bad guys ass, because with all honesty, being the pampered princess... I would never be happy with such an unequal thing. ^^ I like my marital arts... and tonight I even started a new back exercise. People can take what they think and shove it. I may even open my blinds just to make that point... even if only to myself.

I live my life overcoming my faults... not wallowing in them and using them as excuses for not living. I will keep going because... well... my children and... I want to. My life is... I have many obstacles and I do not live because of them or for them, I find my way through or around them as I must. That is just who I am. I will figure this out... I have to. I want to. I wish to... with all that I am. and because of that, I will, but for tonight, I will dance in my "sparkly red dress"... because yeah... I got married in red because my white dress wouldn't fit... I was too pregnant. *sniggers* My feet had hurt, my entire body felt like knives going through it all over and..... I was happy. His family was pushy, loud, annoying at many times... and even those who smiled at me I knew to be wary of just by his stories of them. I got pushed around by some, and my bridesmaids were drama queens... the one I knew the least well as the best behaved... the one I knew the best was sulking and crying most of the time because she couldn't be happy for me, she wanted my husband.... that got annoying... admitting to making your "best friends" wedding about you because you are "jealous" is... admittedly not as bad as not admitting it... but... it means she wasn't a true friend because she couldn't just be happy for me. My wedding was simple, outside, everything went wrong, and by all rights I should have been miserable... especially with all the empty promises my husband had made about how Our wedding ceremony would be... but... I wasn't miserable. I was happy. I chose to look at it from a different way... it could have gone so much worse than it did and because it didn't... and because it was a joyous occasion... I was... happy.

Marriage failed or not... I... will not regret it. I don't want to. Regret is waisted on things we cannot change. I.. was happy then and would have regretted not doing so and.... regardless of what I know now, I am happy and content with that memory.

I didn't marry a woman, I married a boy(albeit 8years my senior but still a boy).... but.... I do not regret my hearts wish and I never will.

This is the way I live. To me, I may be physically a girl in appearance but my body likes women more and my heart wants to be both. Sometimes it is OK to be the princess... and sometimes being the prince OK too, as long as I am me... and... if I open my blinds, it will be me admitting and flaunting that I have no shame in this oddity and if they see that I can be both and feel anything towards that fact... that is their own feelings and should not have to matter to me. I can be king and queen of my own life... but... sometimes... doing something childish and free spirited... just... well... I want to dance around my living room in  the only fancy dress I have and I will do it because... it is nobodies business but mine. *blows raspberries* not even anyone who reads this. all anybody needs to know is... i want to.

Being both... is hard. People generally wish you to be one or the other. I... just wanna be me and be my children's mother for the rest of my days... that is... my deepest wish. To hold my children for the rest of the time they will let me and... to... be me and not who people want me to be... but... because people exist who would force me into being who they wish... because help is apparently able to be forced and used to hurt you... I may never sing again with my voice so... I will dance.


PS: this was originally a diary entry, I altered it to not include some more personal information. ^^

Full Moon

This morning I went outside and saw the moon was full. I am pagan, a Wiccan.

My voice has been gone a few days now. I am mute save faint whispers and it doesn't appear to be getting any better. 

I wrote this following solemn entry in my diary.


This morning as the moon begins to find her way down... I tried to sing. I felt my pull to do so like any full moon... my way of expressing my sabat, the day when the lady is at her peek... I tried and tried but my voice was gone still. I kept trying until coughing was all I could manage. How else will I express my heart? Singing... has always been the only way to truly express myself. It was the first thing I ever did for such expression... for my practitioning... for all of it. Singing... not singing is like... losing a part of my soul. It is as much a part of me as my eyes or my nose. I was once told that when I sing... I "become" the song. It was never explained what this meant and... all I know is that it was said after I sung a song of my own writing and... I sing from my heart. This will... being unable to use expression with my voice... will be a challenge. Goddess, please be my strength. My songs were once my only freedom and solace in this world. Now I must learn a new way.

Blessed be


Friday, January 6, 2012


Normally I blow up my diary when I have something new to report... not my blog.

Here is the skinny. I just found out I lost benefits with DES and Social Security.

I have food here. and after coming back from the hospital I took stock in a few things.

1- My trash bags are gone.

2- Their was this weird crap all over my kitchen floor... like dirt sprinkled(though I told my friend pyro it was cat food that got scattered while I was gone... my issue being it wasn't).

3- The fan in my bedroom was off. I had left it on.

4- A blanket that had fallen to the floor was no longer their when I got back but had somehow made it onto my couch.

5- I have been obsessive in keeping the kids room clean and when I came back(mind you the door was closed so their should not have been any form of change), their was a lump of this weird linty stuff on the ground).

I forgot the money for trash-bags so a grocery bag will have to do for tonight.

I cleaned up the crap on the floor today as I took a bit to get my bearings and take stock after that.

My fan is back on as I keep it on for air circulation... and air freshener circulation(cat litter box-nuff said).

As blankets do not go on the floor... no... I did not put the blanket on the floor.

And as I just noticed the lint thing today... I picked it up and will be vacuuming tomorrow just to be sure.

I already got the dirt off my floor from their nasty shoes... did the dishes I hadn't done before due to the state I was in... dude... I couldn't remember who I was... my concern was remembering that not agonizing over a bowl and a cup that I had missed...

All in all I did good their. My friend Pyro said my desk was organized... I called it a pig sty... obviously we disagree on what constitutes a mess. I gotta toss the junk mail from today and then, to be perfectly honest, it is way past my bed time... seriously.

Gonna rub on some vicks and take a snooze... it is 11:37 at night... it is bed time.

So yeah, I gotta find a job. I needed one before... NOW I really need one.

When it rains it pours I guess.

Good news is, I was able to say a sentence in a semi normal voice... "do you know anyone who might be hiring?" I figured out as long as I keep my voice very soft(as my voice carries well it is a good thing)  and meditate into calmness of that type of thing(can only really be explained if you actually know that type of thing), I can manage semi hearable stuff. I don't think anyone will even notice as long as I keep it short. the longer I talk the harder it gets. The louder I try to be, the softer my voice gets until finally it kinda disappears.

I will overcome this. I will make a better life for my family. Because that's just the way I am. 


PS: I should tell you having a crappy sitchuation only constitutes "depression" if you are all dreary and weighed down and unable to find the hope in the sitchuation. Even in my hospital bed with them doing all those things... I was able to see how it would get better. Just clearing that up for anyone who may think otherwise. and yes, I fully intend to ask for a new case manager with southwest network. Caught her recorded in a lie already... RECORDED! She KNEW I was recording and lied and then changed her story anyway... oh bother. *grin* at the end of the recording I told her I was going to share it... then I realized the epic TMI and kept it to myself... and one other person who is on a need to know basis... meaning they need to know. OMFG! she showed up at my apartment after enough calls to be considered harassment... loosely(not much over but still... their is apparently a law about that but I have to check if it is like that in my state, they have some neat articles on laws when you are on the internet... xp). She did not ask if she could show up, she just decided to. I am tired of being talked to like she is an adult on a power hungry binge and I am a small child being humored. really it is me who humors her. I don't like her. She is dishonest, stuck up, and presumptuous. If I was a psychiatrist one of her "issues" would be a superiority complex. I do not like people like that. I am alpha female of my life. I  like using animal terminology such as "pack"(family/close friends), "mate"(husband or someone you are very seriously dating and have "given" yourself to... think about it), "Pups"(children), and such though for the sake of appearances I often just keep it to the "normal" accepted stuff. Why? Because bitches(and yes, i don't necessarily mean that as an insult... she is female... however... in this case I leave that up to you to decide...) like her have say over my life.

Let me cover this. For reasons beyond my control, I cannot get out(and no, not due to court order, and I can't discuss it), so now I have to deal with these people. At my last site at least they knew me well enough to not be so obvious with it. Sometimes I actually bought it(half truth or someone who hadn't previously lied to me) and sometimes I got someone who told me the truth. To be perfectly honest, I am sick of her "I don't understand" when I am being blunt. OMFG! If she doesn't understand "I am fine, I am not going to kill myself, or harm anyone, I am sick. I need to take care of myself and your not helping by being here so go away." Their is nothing in this earth that can MAKE her understand it! I had to shorten it to "I am fine go away" and add the flipping of the bird... er... I mean "cactus" in ASL... yeah... I so meant cactus... not. then she said "I understand that". HOW DENSE CAN YOU GET?! WHY did I even have to add the hand gesture(not that it wasn't pleasing to my ire with her... expressing said ire, but it is rude and i prefer being polite and only resort to such things in extreme sitchuations... such as the dense ones who don't seem to understand language they obviously speak well)?! In all honesty my patience is very thin with these people at this point.

How is that not an understandable sentence? In my opinion a trained chimp could probably do her job better.

I so just imagined her finding out I wrote this... hm... can't imagine the look on her face, don't know her well enough. She seems the type to go for revenge though. Just general people profiling I do for sheer entertainment purposes. It is her basic personality type. Her nose is however, so high in the air in her own fantasy land where she has rights no person should have over another... that to be perfectly honest... she irritates me. And all of this "predicting" is speculation based on things I myself have learned over the years. The accuracy may or may not be. it simply put, is me dealing with my ire of her instead of holding it in... because holding it in isn't good for me as a person. The ugliness in my soul is as visible as anything else. It may be strange... it may be odd... and for the love of all it may be, no it is weird, but... I like being me.

Yeah... it is 12:17... I did this too long.


An old vid made.... now posting here.

This song goes to a story I have been writing. and no, not my diary though I often brainstormed in it(and yeah, they were labeled and easily told apart), but since i am going to school for something I love doing... why not do it anyway?

xp, and no... it is not a story purely about Pandora. in reality that was just something I threw in, the box is a medifore for something else and it is about divine sisters, 9 of them. now imagine normal parental issues... but bigger........................................ XD

I am posting the link due to a technicality in the paper work when you sign up to monetize videos.  Since this blog is monetized I can't monitze them twice and that one is monetized on YouTube.


I have fun with this... obviously.


last nights vid

sorry, will be lots of skips and cuts due both to coughing and lack of ability to keep talking too long like I used to be able to. I am indeed trying. You know where to find the information. my last post.

Link here, sorry, paper work technicality.

Since obviously "voices" requires me to speak... and be good at it, i thought this would be just as much fun if not more.

and don't be surprised if old posts start disappearing. as I have a chance too look through them, I will be getting rid of them and transferring the records of them somewhere else.

I thank the person who told me how to get it off of Facebook... I hope it worked as I follow the law whenever I know it. I do not always know this. that is why while I look stuff up for a hobby and pray I find something applicable to life, lawyers go to school for this with more focused study. I just do this for a hobby.

I am just an art student and  mom. I am religious, spiritual and avoid harm whenever possible. Like any person I screw up or don't know something... oh well. You just have to get up and keep going... my kids are a prime example because even though I have tried to baby them and kiss boo boo's... seems they would rather be zooming around and doing anything else but drawing out the boo boo kissing... well accept recently with my oldest... hm.... but still he gets tired of it when he sees something he takes interest in. He is not even 2 years old, a little wah wah to mommy is fine. They are babies. they cry, you answer. end of story. as they get older they will get tired of it and find it boring and not interesting... if they don't I will always give them that kiss and then send them on their way as long as they want me to. they are my babies... and yes, sometimes when they don't want me to I will be their throughout their life. I am mom. I am not just for entertainment purposes while my children are small. I am not just their unit of care giving. I am mom. Does anything else ever really need to be said?

If anyone finds anything in my old posts that fits any law and needs to be removed please let me know. I would never intentionally break the law. It is not in the best interests of my family to do so. I have too much to go through at once... so I am doing it systematically. today however, I probably should be either in bed or getting ready for my doc appointment... and if an issue occurs, I will just go to urgent care.


I am not happy with the happenings of last night of the rude, presumptuous, and overbearing treatment of my case manager at southwest network. professional relationship or not, she barely met me. I have already recorded her in several lies... and for goodness sakes she hung UP on me after ordering me to "go back to sleep" WTF?! how would SHE even know WHAT I was doing in the first place to order me TO do it?! I have... more than one missed call from her on my phone, why? because she calls too often. I am sick. I can barely talk. It hurts to talk when I do. If her idea of help is coddling me and cooing over me like some deranged aunt  with a cute cheek complex than she needs to go away. I am having trouble TALKING! A phone call is not the answer to my issues. I am lucky I took ASL in high school. I am pretty good but nowhere near awesome with it. My eyes are crappy so you have to go slow for me to understand. my hands stutter. and overall I really took it for the body language as I was not proficient in it. I also studied various other topics regarding such social interactions during an earlier time... why? because I wasn't allowed to have those interactions and was curious. unfortunately books can only take you so far. hence why I took ASL.

I know enough to communicate though and they denied me any form of interpreter or even a TTY on the grounds that if I couldn't talk, I didn't need to communicate that bad. The problem is physical and happened while they had me tucked away in that corner. I was not hooked up to anything(they hadn't hooked me up to anything accept this things that left indents in my finger that I know now measures oxygen levels) so they wouldn't have known... even when I managed to press the button for help nobody came.

I was told I was their for 2 days.... it was day 2 however... more like 1 to 2 1/2 days... somewhere in their. I really have no desire to figure it out as I would rather leave it behind me... as soon as it stops coming back to haunt me....  like in my case managers treatment of me. Now I have to ask for a new one. great. why? She lied in our first ever phone call and now this. I think she needs to be usurped form her post anywhere near me.  I can't stand her type. overbearing and ignorant to anything beyond her own nose and how high it is in the air regarding anyone with a diagnosis. I just endured hell because of people like that. I am staying the hell away from her and I want her off my case, now. If i have to go down their after my shower and make sure that is done, I will. If my life remains from me, it will not be by any fault of my own.

an added question... when I was in the hospital and I came back... their were changes in my apartment I would not have made. the fan in my bedroom was off, a blanket that had fallen to the floor wasn't their.... I don't think anything is missing... but I don't like people coming into my home without me here... especially without my permission. I have already caught my apartment manager once... *sigh*... hope nothing is missing this time.

Anyway, I need to go clean up my living room floor. after all that crap i gave myself some leeway. Now... their total lack of wiping their feet before they com in is bugging me. I had just vacuumed the day before or so.... my floor needs to be clean... otherwise it could make present issues with stuff worse and that isn't good or sanitary. So... yeah. doesn't look like I will be reading tarot anymore, at least for now. I am not sure if I ever will be able to again over the phone. I will just have to get creative.... now creative I can do.

I want to be left alone until I can at least get my medical crap in order.

I have court around next week, I need my space. I am stressed, sick, and dealing with the horrible crap that hospital put me through.

The less I talk the louder I can manage... but that still I have to yell to be heard. it is frustrating.

I have tried to sing... I managed a whisper for awhile.... that was it. I want to sing, my kids love it when I sing.


PS: one may also notice that I have edited posts to disclude things, do not become alarmed. I just didn't have the heart to delete everything. I like blogging. it was easier to take it out. I also added some tidbits that I realized hadn't made it in before. In the future I will read my own posts.

If anyone sees something I missed, on any site, please let me know. the only site I can't is the one with the petition and that is because I can't get into it. I am trying and will keep tying. I also may seem to have strange wording in some places... why? Because I am trying to learn to talk around things... I have plenty of examples... -__-

PS: 2 ------ I also removed many of my videos temporarily just in case. when I have time to watch them and discern what is in them I will. I was unable to take stuff off before my hospital trip and will keep removing them as I will. As stated. My family is everything to me.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

while at the hospital

The lady, the first one, made me sign paperwork while I was still without my memory. She threatened me, to petition me if I refused to go into a mental hospital. Because I couldn't talk. That is a bunch of bullshit.

At no point was I a danger to anyone, not myself and not anyone else, although at one point I flipped off two nurses and wrote bitch on a paper... hm... and I glared at the head nurse. But they lied to me, left me in the side, starved me under the ultimatum of talk and eat or not talk and don't eat, and then they stole my belongings, called me names at the nurses desk, one even raised her voice to me in a smug threat. I was bullied out of the chair next to the bed(the chair was then removed) and told if I left it then I would be strapped to it. when I wanted to go outside for a few minutes, instead of explaining calmly and like adults they immediately got two strong arms involved. I know plenty of people who would have done worse than glared. They physically kept me against my will after refusing to check anything physical. They did basic vitals and that was it.

I ate once when a male nurse took pity on me, brought me the paper and called for what i circled. I kept it small besides fluids because I know what that is like, coming off of starving is difficult. when water is like something that you wish to cry in gratitude for... their are issues. I have actual medical issues I was their for, however upon hearing I had ptsd and anxiety, they had already decided before I was their that I was guilty of being "psycho" were the words of one nurse.

To be kept and degraded, to contemplate bolting but stay out of fear...

When my grandfather showed up the nurse who brought him in looked terrified. When I asked him what was in the area that hurt when I tried to speak he said my vocal cords. I went into the hospital after going into shock, something I can look up and tell you is valid.

The shock caused a seizure. I was on my floor for I don't know how long, heart stopped, breath gone, so in all honesty I have no clue how long. When I got up I was still seizing and looking at my "trail" that I investigated both before calling my doctor and after...

Now I live in constant fear that they will call and really do so. I am not a danger to myself, I am not a danger to others. I have PTSD, and Anxiety. VERY high functioning autism is listed. Dillusions/psychosis is not among my symptoms. This should never have happened. Tomorrow I see my doctor for pneumonia and vocal problems.

An incident that happened while the nurses were not answering calls because I wasn't talking(NO?! really?! YOU talk in the middle of something like that?!), they did not check, I grabbed curtains, knocked stuff over... whenever my body would let me, otherwise I couldn't move. They didn't have me hooked up to anything and after refusing to fix an IV that was hanging at an odd angle, I took it out(was empty anyway and it was from the ambulance... the ambulance called by my doctors office when i told them I couldn't remember). The sticky things on my had no hook ups on them so I took those off. I sat on the bed or in the chair most of the time.

When they kicked me out of the chair I cried not just in confusion as to why I couldn't sit in a chair of all things(it was threatened that if I kept coming up to ask for my things that they stole and kept form me) that I would be strapped to the bed. After that point they had someone come up and threaten me to get in the bed and stay in it. they had a short conversation about me as if I wasn't their.

this all began because of a single doctor who refused to look at me after I first lost my speech.

My grandfather taught me a technique while he was their. It is difficult to speak, however I am getting better. I can't make my voice go very loud... but now I can speak. The likelihood my vocal cords were damaged is high however I must finish attending to my medical professionals. I am in compliance with all mental services offered to me. I am stable off meds and have been for over 3 years. I tried one awhile back for anxiety and after seeing the bottle the emergency personnel assumed that I was nuts. I had been on an anti anxiety due to stressful circumstances. I no longer need it. The medication itself not only gave me multiple personalities(over the course of two weeks their were 3 of us in here... it also gave me suicidal thoughts with intent to do so and thoughts of harm of self, it also made me see things not otherwise their). I stopped taking ti for these reasons.

I am as of current fine. My problems are physical and manageable.

My speech is short and difficult, as well as painful right now so to be honest, that post I made awhile back that I am putting up, isn't current. it was made a bit ago.

I wish I could talk that loud.... I wish I could sing again.