Thursday, March 1, 2012

spanish class

I have been taking Spanish... and I have been warned of my schools treachery to students(not the Spanish-that is actually free, the art school). I wonder what would be said if it was widely known I know... I have recorded phone calls. I just don't know what to do about it.

I was lied to to get me into the school. I am not stupid... but I found out too late. This is not the class I need for forensic art... but I will make the best of it. I wanted to go to this school when I was in high school but my family did not want me to be what I wanted to be. Out of duty I still do not go for what I wished for then... I feel a duty to somehow help... I feel responsible for the things my grandmother did. I was her helpless bait. I do not know if she ever let her husband see that side of her. I hold myself responsible for those I couldn't stop her from hurting. I wished it wasn't real. I didn't want it to be real. I wanted to live like my grandfather where she could do no wrong, to be like my aunt, able to ignore everything... content in silence or ignorance as my uncle(I never knew which he was-he is quiet)...  but the bait is never thus. I was the tool, the toy, the bait. I was whatever she wanted me to be. I hated it.

Here is my strength. I hope I translated it correctly.

My name is Luna. I am alive. I am from Arizona. I am many things in life. I am a mother. I am an artist. I do many things. I am everything I need to be, and when I am not... I learn to do, be, know what I need. I am who I am. I know who I am. Do you? 

Me llamo Luna. Estoy Viva. Yo soy Arizona. Soy muchas cosas de la vida. Soy una madre. Soy un artista. Hago muchas cosas. Yo soy todo lo que ser cuenando deba, y cuando no estoy... aprender a hacer, ser, saber lo debe. Yo soy quien soy. Yo se quien soy. Te?

when you get up in the morning... do you know who you are? 

I know who I am.

I am not the past.

I am not my grandmother.

I am not my mother.

I am me.


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