Thursday, March 15, 2012

oh joy...

Between the lines is a post I did on Facebook. That is all true though much is left out... but nobody needs to know how bad it hurt or how I feel about not being able to make it.

I am screwed, glued, and tattooed. I am up shits creak without a paddle. I am so fucked it isn't funny. The bus is whacked, my friend has the stomach flu... and nobody else is home to answer or is too busy! I can get to places "exceedingly far" on foot if I have to... but it takes a long time to get to a place that far. It is literally in another city. My job interview today is a little over 6 miles(6.1 I think). THIS is a lot more... and last time I tried it I ended up face down on the side of the road then in the hospital. the walk to where I needed to be today is 9.50 miles(I should note I knew that was stupid of me considering I have scoliosis, arthritis-never told me what kind,one leg shorter than the other with no "lift", and hip displatia-chronic pain oh yes and my feet lack a proper arch-when I have had a lift in my shoe in the past they would put something in their for both feet to give me an arch-add on that I am still overweight... I knew that was going to hurt when I began) . it doesn't look like a huge difference... but when your walking it is. Also since a different bus runs closer to my interview... I will be able to cut it down by over half of that. while my legs hold up pretty good for a couple miles before they get THAT bad... the blisters start pretty quickly. My callouses are not up to par with it. those are slow to build... why are they so slow to build? Ug... I did what I could and failed. next time I am just going to cave and figure out how to walk that... I might be able to do it. I almost made it last time... so if I make adjustments to how I handle it I may make it... if the strike doesn't stop soon I will have no choice. I refuse to risk another miss.
I was only about a block or two away when I collapsed last time.
It should be noted I thought I would collapse earlier. I did in fact know my body was failing to keep up with the demands I was placing on it. Generally, while I do push myself and work hard, I have a rule not to push myself that far, however their comes a time when you have no other option. I know my bodies limits... and I know when I am pushing them far beyond. I only made it that far because of determination. I will need that determination next time-good thing I have no short supply of said determination.
And end of post.

Today is officially a bad day. First off something else went wrong first.

Then his... and it has just kinda degenerated from their.

To top it off I have to figure out my DV class and how to get their(I don't know where it is yet and they won't tell you until the same day- a "couple of hours before" was what I was recommended to call and ask)-I must admit though I am not complaining about their safety measures. They do it to keep those int he class safe... which is once again also why I refuse to give detailed information on it here, such as where it is at any point in time and at such point who is in it. I won't discuss anything of the kind because those measures are put into place to protect the abuse victims in the class.

I know this, I understand this, and I know clear lines on what can and cannot be said. This has a purpose and I knew why ages ago. The same rules applied to some extent to group counseling and rape counseling. Since some of those women were in their for such incidents as domestic abuse... the counselor told me that on top of the normal stuff we were not supposed to mention anyone by name. actually what you could say was very limited and the counselor also had a rule I did NOT approve of in any respect. some of the ladies would violate this rule routinely. They woudl meet outside of the group afterwards in their own little support... to me that is healthy. Why she would discourage such is beyond me and makes no sense. It was women who have been through the same type of violation finding support with each-other. Nobody was forced to be their and nobody discussed the groups or the private sessions. Nothing was breached in any way excel that instead of relying on the counselor they were finding support and strength in each-other. Last I checked, that was healthy human relations. These women were strong and were not weak in any respect and the relationships I saw formed were healthy relationships. Why she would discourage THAT I have no idea. Needless to say her methods, her attitude on what "recovery" is, her constant religious favoritism and disrespect for my fellow ladies when it came to those who chose not the christian faith(though from what I gathered it was toned down due to the fact of how exactly my father died and some experiences I have had personally-basically i wouldn't have taken that lying down and I would have been loud about it-I was, I was not happy to see that in a group that is supposed to be void of religion in it's material she had bible verses and often quieted the members of the group who were not christian-not treating the group equal and it made me a bit ill to know she probably didn't even notice yet I was not the only one who decided to leave with that in mind-of course she favored the trouble maker who complained about EVERYTHING, their was nothing that did NOT offend this chick!-the group became about her and ONLY what bothered her in any respect-their is a distinct difference between not knowing how else to convey that you understand without the empty words of "I understand" and complaining about how everyone elses stories trigger you and are offensive to you and your critical of their life choices... when every single person was their to deal with a traumatic event and deal with their rape/rapes-every group has one person who destroys the group and it is the person overseeing the group who is supposed to do something about it-not alienate multiple members of said group to coddle one person-it is called a group, one on one counseling is much more appropriate if you cannot handle a group), and she also has this infuriating thing that she just would NOT yield on. In her eyes you were not done with her counseling until you could stand int he same room as your rapist and be OK with it.

My words on that last "goal" are not to be shared... many colorful words come to mind and she knew my goal was simply to be able to live day to day and not be impeded by that happenings of that more recent time-the time my oldest was conceived. I went to rape counseling because I was afraid that if I didn't deal with it faster I would start seeing that bastards face in my son. I was afraid I would become my grandmother. I know how to deal with rape... but no-I will never be OK to the extent she wished for. some wounds cannot be obliterated like that. All you can really do is learn to live with the damage and deal with it. I honestly hate rape counseling. You have to rehash it over and over and I do that in my head anyway-no reason to bring it to the front of my mind and give it more attention than I need to. I deal with it, I cry, and I take times to go back and make sure i don't leave anything unresolved in myself. I make sure I am able to live while dealing with my problems... I woudl have to say that while most of her bit was understandable... the mistakes the counselor did make(and perhaps some women need to learn out of necessity how to be in the same room with the person who did it-now I face that I will have to learn such for my kids and i understand it a bit better-but she took it further... I don't need help forgiving-my husband did it more than once because I was stupid enough TO forgive him-as thus, our goals are not the same)... the mistakes she made... they were huge. In the same sessions she also invalidates feelings with the same breath she validates them. needless to say... her position and inability to see the damage she did was why I left and go figure... what tools I did learn I figured out how to work with ME and used them. I still cannot be in the same room as my husband after what he did... but that will take TIME and self defense classes(doesn't matter how well you are trained in anything-it has been a long time and my body isn't the same-my arms couldn't push him away and I lost all faith and confidence in such-besides it will be fun and that is also healthy when dealing with such) to up my confidence and ability to defend... which lessens the fear and adds the knowledge that I woudl be ready that way. Fact of the matter is... I will never be OK with it, nothing about the incident's can be erased. "forgive and forget" is how you repeat such things. He cannot be trusted not to do it again. some wounds simply need time and patience to mend... no amount of counseling can replace that. as it is, being with friends family, even my cats... that does more for me than counseling ever did and ever has. hell, even the occasional message from my brother on the other side of the country does more!

On the chance that someone reads this feeling alone because they feel that their is something wrong with them due to abuse. Their is nothing wrong with you. Stop letting them abuse you. leave. for those who feel alone due to a significant other performing such acts as rape... you are not alone and it is not your fault. That is actually a very common occurrence.

The following was taken from   I encourage others to do their own research and keep in mind that this is old... I didn't see anything past 2007 and keep in mind the multitude of unreported assaults. What happened to me is very common. I wouldn't be surprised if the estimates on what isn't reported were wrong. In the high school that I went to I did my won survey(though i wasn't what you woudl think-I just talked to people and wrote down the statistics I found out. Most girls I talked to had been raped at least one and in most cases it was more than once. I didn't do it originally to create any sort of document and I don't even have it anymore but I remember enough. Originally I was simply put... curious.

United States

U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics (1999) estimated that 91% of rape victims are female and 9% are male, with 99% of the offenders being male.[8] Some types of rape are excluded from official reports altogether (the FBI's definition, for example, used to exclude all rapes except forcible rapes of females), because a significant number of rapes go unreported even when they are included as reportable rapes, and also because a significant number of rapes reported to the police do not advance to prosecution.[77] According to United States Department of Justice document Criminal Victimization in the United States, there were overall 191,670 victims of rape or sexual assault reported in 2005.[78] Only 16% of rapes and sexual assaults are reported to the police (Rape in America: A Report to the Nation. 1992 and United Nations Populations Fund, 2000a).[79][80] Factoring in unreported rapes, about 5% of rapists will ever spend a day in jail.[81] One of six U.S. women has experienced an attempted or completed rape.[82] More than a quarter of college age women report having experienced a rape or rape attempt since age 14.[83]
The U.S. Department of Justice compiles statistics on crime by race, but only between and among people categorized as black or white. The Uniform Crime Reports classifies most Hispanics into the "white" category.[84] There were 194,270 white and 17,920 black victims of rape or sexual assault reported in 2006. According to Anthony Walsh, "Gary LaFree's rape data for the 45-year period revealed that blacks were arrested for rape an average of 6.52 times more often than whites."[84]
Drug use, especially alcohol, is frequently involved in rape. A study (only of rape victims that were female and reachable by phone) reported detailed findings related to tactics. In 47% of such rapes, both the victim and the perpetrator had been drinking. In 17%, only the perpetrator had been. 7% of the time, only the victim had been drinking. Rapes where neither the victim nor the perpetrator had been drinking were 29% of all rapes.[9] Contrary to widespread belief, rape outdoors is rare. Over two thirds of all rapes occur in someone's home. 31% occur in the perpetrators' homes, 27% in the victims' homes and 10% in homes shared by the victim and perpetrator. 7% occur at parties, 7% in vehicles, 4% outdoors and 2% in bars.[9] From 2000–2005, 59% of rapes were not reported to law enforcement.[10][85] One factor relating to this is the misconception that most rapes are committed by strangers.[11][10] In reality, studies indicate the following varying numbers:
Source: Current or Former Intimate Partner Another Relative Friend or Acquaintance Stranger
US Bureau of Justice Statistics 26% 7% 38% 26%
Australian Government Statistics[12] 56% 10% 27% 8%
UK Home Office (for comparison)[13] 45.4% 13.9% 29.6% 11%

For anyone who might read this and has been through such thinking they are alone... does that look like you are alone? Not being alone in this is actually what saddens me the most. Many injustices exist in this world and none of them are as uncommon as anyone thinks. Just because it sounds bad... doesn't mean it is a lie.

My past sucks.

I can do nothing with the past but deal with it.

It is the future one must strive to change.


PS: the really crappy thing about being sick or just having gotten over a particularly bad sickness... your body is weaker afterwards. as I am, I wouldn't have even made it halfway.  I am planning on utilizing the bus if that one still runs today(last I heard it was one not really effected at all)... so I can make it. On top of the normal conditions of such days... I have to contend with that "nice" fresh "just recovered" crap. I hate that. In my opinion my body should just get better and be better... not need me to take it easy while my body recovers the strength lost from being THAT sick(I was pretty bad). It shoudl be noted that I hold no fault in my friend who got sick. for the record... I do not want to catch whatever that is going around-again. if you get sick while your body is still recovering... sometimes it is worse because your body is weakened from it even temporarily... think like war and strategy. after a long war the troops are weary. apply that here.

PS: X2  18 Miles is way too far for me to walk. Not even I am stupid or determined enough to take THAT suicidal walk(and for me it is). I will have to do it when the damnable buses are not on strike. I hate this.

Stupid damnable weak body that can't do ANYTHING I need to to do regarding this! 

Frustrating... extremely frustrated.

Epic fail on today. 

I rely on the bus system for distance or insane time frames that are impossible to make walking... this is absolutely GAH!

No comments:

Post a Comment