Monday, March 12, 2012


That's my deviant art account. It has a link that takes you to my ART'S Facebook too. lol


I gave myself a present today.

I threw out my back a bit(minor, I will be fine by tomorrow... I think...???).

I let myself have a day of cleaning after the lady canceled on me for our appointment today. The cancellation was the "universe's gift" to me for my birthday... most won't get it but the wording is actually a reference to a joke an old friend made about how the universe had put me through so much CRAP that it owed me something "good". To be honest, I would be content if things would just stop going wrong and go right... and NOT go horribly wrong.... but alas... the universe doesn't work that way. lol

My gift to me.... was to gift myself with getting rid of the rest of my husbands crap. I still have his damnable "theta flag"... I don't even think the dumpster wants it... and I am keeping the photos of course. I am not heartless.

I told him he needed to give me date, time(at least a general idea of it) and that it had to be at least a week in advance. He told me "maybe" on a curtain day and never got back to me. this is after many MANY previous attempts int he beginning and a few since. While I don't mind having a small area of what I consider a mess(it is actually known as my desk and my kitchen table when I have my art supplies out-lol-a friend of mine claimed that was "spotless"-we have two versions of clean apparently because I dub that "pig sti")... I do mind having too much crap and clutter. My husband kept things that are trash anyway. He kept this fountain thingy... it doesn't work. I would understand if it was some weird ere-loom or something(hell I have a couple of items like that-IE every photograph I possess and a couple of my mothers nicknacks-not much but what I do have I would understand-also why I haven't put his grandfathers old fishing rod(broken) out either. Some weird tradition and he valued that more than life itself. while I am not happy at what he did... I have my limits in how far I will go. I just can't live surrounded by his crap anymore. The guy kept broken things, and I would understand receipts(i do as well-grew up being taught to) but I would be a helluva lot more understanding if they had found their way into a receipt container... and were not accompanied by adds from WAAAAAAYYYY back or wrappers... while I already got rid of such things as old wrappers and the adds.... now I have to go through and PROPERLY dispose of his paperwork so nobody can steal his identity out of the dumpster.

Tomorrow I won't be home... so that's just S.O.L. for those who gave a rough day but nothing else.

Today is my birthday... so I am doing this for me.

 I also hung up some of my awards from volunteering, art and the FFA.

I should note... My husband didn't allow me to do so when I did attempt it once. He would have this "conversation" with me about how MY achievements made him feel his were not as good and since some of my awards include honors in art, some proficiency awards, and whatnot... they apparently made him feel stupid just because I had them. I don't even HAVE all of my awards! I have at least one art award back with my grandfather in his home, won a contest and it has never been taken off the wall. every time I say I want it the conversation gets diverted, and my ribbon for first place still is with it hanging proudly on the frame(should be anyway). I have plenty that can't be hung... but what could be... I hung them up proudly. None of it is made out of anything special or expensive... but they represent much to me and make me feel a bit more confident and proud when I see them. I don't have tons... but my husband made it sound like I did. I only have a few proficiency awards... no trophy's... but hey, I can be proud of it.

His achievements on the other hand... were hung high to be seen. right down to the tiny little business card sized thing's that their was no point putting on the wall. I will however admit... he didn't have more than me... but I am rather sore about how that offended him that I had achievements that I had worked hard to get. I prided myself in knowing that I had been able to prove something through hard work and dedication. I became a housewife, a stay at home mom. So what if I had no college degree for one of those "work at home" things... I was able to proudly know that someday I could tell my kids I did something.

Now I kinda can't be a stay at home mom anymore. I am going to college... and doing things as they need done.  I am learning languages independently through avenues that are free for people who want to learn them... and I am otherwise trying to get everything pieced back together in life.

I get company over for my birthday tonight... though I hope they don't mind egg/tuna salad for diner... and I get to show off my nicely decorated dining room with pride. I am an odd one. I like to be independent but I also like to be domestic. I am not a party girl and I don't like stuffy gatherings either... but I do enjoy casual visits with friends and I like to socialize with the one. Basically... I am not what many people visualize when they think of a "young mother" these days. the stereo type kinda gets set... people tend to expect things of you. I am happy the way I am. My best night is with friends and family, be it at home or out and about... and for me... that is not going to change.

I am also odd in another way. I like to cook but I don't actually like to EAT... yeah makes no sense to most. I like making yummy things because i like the look on someones face while they are enjoying it... but call me odd even further... I would hate to do it for a living. Too many unappreciative butt heads. Consider me... my OWN personal chef. I share when friends come over... all that jazz and I enjoy it but.... I could honestly say that it is something that I could live if I was never able to do for awhile. I gave that a lot of thought. it is different than a couple other things that I do so automatically and naturally that it is like breathing... some things just... well that's how I figured out what I truly wanted to do. I am the type of person who has multiple hobbies. Their are lots of things I like to do, so it was tough for me to just pick one or even two... at that point you have to think about how you would react if you couldn't do those things for a long time or even for forever. whatever gets the strongest reaction from you... the one that you would absolutely not be able to stop doing... that's what you shoudl do. If their is more than one thing in that then find out how to do it all.

That is how I think. I have different pieces of furniture around here that I painted. A kid sized rocking chair(I had to repair and re enforce it first though-still ended up fixing it, RE enforcing it again and touching it up-ah kids lol), some bedroom furniture that I painted... and I enjoyed doing those things. I have never had my favorite art me still or not able to be of some use. even when painting I favor textures. I like making things that are decorative but I prefer things that are useful. I don't like to just have a painting on my wall... I like to have the painting seem more like it belongs their... like it is reaching out to become part of the rest of the room... not sure how else to describe it and I am pretty sure that isn't quite right anyway.

I am broke and don't have anything of value in material possessions... but I take care of what we do have.

As of now I am also looking for a way to make days where INSANE expectations on my kids seem to be had... easier and less stressful on them. I do not approve of the methods being used here but I am unsure of just what I can do about it. I am concerned.

Today is my birthday.

Both good and bad have happened this year(so far) and besides getting horribly sick and almost getting run over by a car while crossing the intersection(among the small type disasters that are known to grace life), nothing paramount has happened this month to any badness... I can't help but be nervous about that.

This year is the first year I wasn't sick on the day of my birth(though I was until yesterday-but I was nearly over it then too) since my mom died, and even before then it was a common occurrence... and considering my record of bad birthdays and the month of march in general.... I can't help but be cautious. If nothing happens I will be happy and feel blessed and relieved and even hold hope for next years birthday. If nothing happens this month I will feel the same but more so. The list of things that racked up in this month in of itself over the years is insane. The least of those was this one year everyone kinda just forgot about it. The worst... they should have taken me to the hospital. The one where I was raped wasn't even the worst... so you can probably imagine. My birthday has never been a good time and neither has the month itself.

I am not sure why... but perhaps since life has been feeling the need to go down the toilet in these past few months... perhaps this march will be merciful. I hope so.


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