Monday, March 5, 2012


   As much beef as my biological family gets on here about the past and whatnot, it should be noted that the only family member I have in the area is my grandfather. I don't ask him for help financially and if I can help it, I don't ask period.

   Last night I got sick as a dog, it hit me quick. I am bringing down a fever and trying not to spend every moment over the toilet. It is bad enough that I can't walk very far(I have managed taking care of the kids while like this I might add-everybody gets sick sometime)... and to be honest, if I puke I would rather it not be on some poor unsuspecting stranger.

   I do not usually get this sick. It hit while I am having serious cramps(something I didn't get until after I had kids-and they are bad-I have no midol) on top of it... to put it bluntly, it hurts. I am in pain. I am sick. while I get sick often, it is usually little stuff that I can deal with. In a work environment I could wear a mask if need be so I don't get others sick.

   In short, when it rains it pours.

   Now, when I do ask for help it usually comes with him giving me crap, and sometimes the answer is no.

   Their have been plenty of times he has helped. their was this time I got lost trying to get to this lady who claimed she was a lawyer who wanted to help(she turned out to be lying BTW-met her late along with her little blond lackey who asked obscenely stupid questions and re asked when she didn't get the answers she wanted--- who the hell asks someone who isn't pregnant HOW they "got pregnant this time"?! UG! I miscarried months ago, over 6 months ago... almost 7 months ago actually-doesn't make it easier though and to be frank that type of questioning screws with your head-congratulations whoever that person is. you screwed with a grieving mothers head in regards to a child she will never get to hold-yeah, I cry over stuff like that- yeah, I may forgive one day but I never forget-that was just cruel-I went home and was double checking for months-way to extend the grieving process by giving illogical hope that someone dead could be alive-bitch-for those wondering, yes the child was related to my husband, my ex roommate listened to the conception wouldn't you know it?-that bitch kept on talking to me like I don't know how babies are made! does she want a biology lesson or does she expect that I don't know that too?).

   Anyway... (insert) area aside... yeah, as you can tell that still bothers me. It took me months to get myself to accept that she was just being stupid. she probably saw the muscle spasms I had been getting from stress. I would have thought the fact my arm's and legs were doing the same spams would have clued her in but she wasn't listening. Stress, worry... you bet your ass they effect me and my health. The right level of it effects anyone. But when someone has a tunnel thought process(think tunnel vision) and isn't listening to a word you say and is talking to you like your stupid and is asking you further, stupid question... opening wounds still painfully fresh might I add... That kind of ticks me off. I have days of venting in my diary from that time. I am still not over the cruelty of it.

   The point of this blog was to point out something completely different. Today my grandfather is helping me get to my appointment. I have no choice but to go to this appointment, the consequences if I do not are not a choice, they are worse than a death sentence to me. Now he was grumpy, accusatory and all that nice stuff... he also hadn't had his coffee yet. He is not a morning person, my mother was not a morning person, and I am not a morning person. I got him before coffee. Growing up we had rules about that. "If you want to live, wait until after the first cup. If you want to live pleasantly, wait until the second or third."

   Anyway, when I went to go meet her, I got lost. I took the train(light-rail) and somehow ended up in mesa on the last train. My grandfather came and got me. I am notorious for getting lost when going somewhere I have never been before. I even had a friend try to take me later. because NONE of us had ever been their... none of us could find it.

   The point being. We don't talk much, we barely get along at times(avoiding talking about the past is the only way we can coexist so we both avoid such) but... despite everything i forgave him years ago. that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. it just means I forgave him.

   Despite everything, I just got him before coffee and lived. He is making sure I get to that appointment. That has to count for something.

   If I lived by the past and that alone... their are many things I would miss in life.

Learn from the past, but don't live in it.

While that statement is hard when you brain is constantly throwing you into it... it is possible. all you have to do is realize the difference between a memory and what is right before your eyes... when you want to do that with your whole heart... that is when you can do so. That is how I managed to stop physical out-lashes years ago. That is how i still do not have them when someone "decides" to cross the line and smack my back(they call it patting... well it hurts and I told them not to do it-asked nicely, some while ago it would have resulted in an automatic response from me). It isn't easy. Not everyone can do it, even if their whole heart is in it... perhaps it is because I am so used to dealing with it but... while the mind remembers and the heart carries the scars...

To let go does not mean forgetting or not feeling. To forgive does not mean you stop remembering or that it doesn't hurt anymore.

   It means you hold no ill will for them and are willing to move forward regardless. It means you accept that though you still feel it, and though you still remember it... it is in the past. The experience is still part of you, you simply resolve to carry it a different way.

You let the wounds on your heart close and become scars instead of festering. You let a memory become just a memory rather than something you purposefully dwell on and use as an excuse not to live in the now. Your ground yourself to the present and strive for a future that is not like the things tht scar your heart.

   Their will be things that re open old wounds on your heart, make them not scars anymore but fresh and jagged things that need mending all over again. so you do it, all over again... because they are in the past and to feel and remember and to have that is what it means to be a living breathing being of creation.

it is what makes people people.

that is how I see things.


PS: Their is a difference between forgiveness and stupidity. To forgive someone when it is not past but still present and possible future is folly. Those whose husbands or loved ones abuse you, you do not have to forgive them the way they wish to be forgiven. that is not forgiveness, that is a harm unto yourself and surrendering to acts of hatred done on you. I told my children "people who love you don't do that." I doubt they will remember it, but right after what happened in front of them(even if only once) I had to make sure they knew that was not OK. I had to further show them that by getting him out. If i had let it continue it would have countered my words.

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