Sunday, January 8, 2012


I always hated the princess in the stories and didn't want to be her.  I wanted to be the prince. I admired throughout my life the prince... but now I see... it is because nobody like either one of them ever existed in present day and that is why so many like their stories so... for one night I will let myself be the princess in the tower. I kinda have to wear this dress anyway cuz laundry... my jeans have to dry. It is the only nice dress(actually I think it is the only dress I have period), that I own.  I wore it at my wedding, ah... I do have another dress... my bad, teeheehee.

for tonight... I will wear this dress and sing without my voice.... I will let myself flow around my living room and then I will go to bed for the night and think like a princess and let myself be weak like a princess.

My heart is solemn and circumstance calls for that strength I am not sure I have... I am unable to rescue myself this time but will try anyway even if I know it is impossible all on my own. for just tonight... I will... let myself be just a girl playing princess in her living room fantasizing about being rescued....  and then I will be true to myself and fantasize about being the prince kicking the bad guys ass, because with all honesty, being the pampered princess... I would never be happy with such an unequal thing. ^^ I like my marital arts... and tonight I even started a new back exercise. People can take what they think and shove it. I may even open my blinds just to make that point... even if only to myself.

I live my life overcoming my faults... not wallowing in them and using them as excuses for not living. I will keep going because... well... my children and... I want to. My life is... I have many obstacles and I do not live because of them or for them, I find my way through or around them as I must. That is just who I am. I will figure this out... I have to. I want to. I wish to... with all that I am. and because of that, I will, but for tonight, I will dance in my "sparkly red dress"... because yeah... I got married in red because my white dress wouldn't fit... I was too pregnant. *sniggers* My feet had hurt, my entire body felt like knives going through it all over and..... I was happy. His family was pushy, loud, annoying at many times... and even those who smiled at me I knew to be wary of just by his stories of them. I got pushed around by some, and my bridesmaids were drama queens... the one I knew the least well as the best behaved... the one I knew the best was sulking and crying most of the time because she couldn't be happy for me, she wanted my husband.... that got annoying... admitting to making your "best friends" wedding about you because you are "jealous" is... admittedly not as bad as not admitting it... but... it means she wasn't a true friend because she couldn't just be happy for me. My wedding was simple, outside, everything went wrong, and by all rights I should have been miserable... especially with all the empty promises my husband had made about how Our wedding ceremony would be... but... I wasn't miserable. I was happy. I chose to look at it from a different way... it could have gone so much worse than it did and because it didn't... and because it was a joyous occasion... I was... happy.

Marriage failed or not... I... will not regret it. I don't want to. Regret is waisted on things we cannot change. I.. was happy then and would have regretted not doing so and.... regardless of what I know now, I am happy and content with that memory.

I didn't marry a woman, I married a boy(albeit 8years my senior but still a boy).... but.... I do not regret my hearts wish and I never will.

This is the way I live. To me, I may be physically a girl in appearance but my body likes women more and my heart wants to be both. Sometimes it is OK to be the princess... and sometimes being the prince OK too, as long as I am me... and... if I open my blinds, it will be me admitting and flaunting that I have no shame in this oddity and if they see that I can be both and feel anything towards that fact... that is their own feelings and should not have to matter to me. I can be king and queen of my own life... but... sometimes... doing something childish and free spirited... just... well... I want to dance around my living room in  the only fancy dress I have and I will do it because... it is nobodies business but mine. *blows raspberries* not even anyone who reads this. all anybody needs to know is... i want to.

Being both... is hard. People generally wish you to be one or the other. I... just wanna be me and be my children's mother for the rest of my days... that is... my deepest wish. To hold my children for the rest of the time they will let me and... to... be me and not who people want me to be... but... because people exist who would force me into being who they wish... because help is apparently able to be forced and used to hurt you... I may never sing again with my voice so... I will dance.


PS: this was originally a diary entry, I altered it to not include some more personal information. ^^

No comments:

Post a Comment