Thursday, January 5, 2012

while at the hospital

The lady, the first one, made me sign paperwork while I was still without my memory. She threatened me, to petition me if I refused to go into a mental hospital. Because I couldn't talk. That is a bunch of bullshit.

At no point was I a danger to anyone, not myself and not anyone else, although at one point I flipped off two nurses and wrote bitch on a paper... hm... and I glared at the head nurse. But they lied to me, left me in the side, starved me under the ultimatum of talk and eat or not talk and don't eat, and then they stole my belongings, called me names at the nurses desk, one even raised her voice to me in a smug threat. I was bullied out of the chair next to the bed(the chair was then removed) and told if I left it then I would be strapped to it. when I wanted to go outside for a few minutes, instead of explaining calmly and like adults they immediately got two strong arms involved. I know plenty of people who would have done worse than glared. They physically kept me against my will after refusing to check anything physical. They did basic vitals and that was it.

I ate once when a male nurse took pity on me, brought me the paper and called for what i circled. I kept it small besides fluids because I know what that is like, coming off of starving is difficult. when water is like something that you wish to cry in gratitude for... their are issues. I have actual medical issues I was their for, however upon hearing I had ptsd and anxiety, they had already decided before I was their that I was guilty of being "psycho" were the words of one nurse.

To be kept and degraded, to contemplate bolting but stay out of fear...

When my grandfather showed up the nurse who brought him in looked terrified. When I asked him what was in the area that hurt when I tried to speak he said my vocal cords. I went into the hospital after going into shock, something I can look up and tell you is valid.

The shock caused a seizure. I was on my floor for I don't know how long, heart stopped, breath gone, so in all honesty I have no clue how long. When I got up I was still seizing and looking at my "trail" that I investigated both before calling my doctor and after...

Now I live in constant fear that they will call and really do so. I am not a danger to myself, I am not a danger to others. I have PTSD, and Anxiety. VERY high functioning autism is listed. Dillusions/psychosis is not among my symptoms. This should never have happened. Tomorrow I see my doctor for pneumonia and vocal problems.

An incident that happened while the nurses were not answering calls because I wasn't talking(NO?! really?! YOU talk in the middle of something like that?!), they did not check, I grabbed curtains, knocked stuff over... whenever my body would let me, otherwise I couldn't move. They didn't have me hooked up to anything and after refusing to fix an IV that was hanging at an odd angle, I took it out(was empty anyway and it was from the ambulance... the ambulance called by my doctors office when i told them I couldn't remember). The sticky things on my had no hook ups on them so I took those off. I sat on the bed or in the chair most of the time.

When they kicked me out of the chair I cried not just in confusion as to why I couldn't sit in a chair of all things(it was threatened that if I kept coming up to ask for my things that they stole and kept form me) that I would be strapped to the bed. After that point they had someone come up and threaten me to get in the bed and stay in it. they had a short conversation about me as if I wasn't their.

this all began because of a single doctor who refused to look at me after I first lost my speech.

My grandfather taught me a technique while he was their. It is difficult to speak, however I am getting better. I can't make my voice go very loud... but now I can speak. The likelihood my vocal cords were damaged is high however I must finish attending to my medical professionals. I am in compliance with all mental services offered to me. I am stable off meds and have been for over 3 years. I tried one awhile back for anxiety and after seeing the bottle the emergency personnel assumed that I was nuts. I had been on an anti anxiety due to stressful circumstances. I no longer need it. The medication itself not only gave me multiple personalities(over the course of two weeks their were 3 of us in here... it also gave me suicidal thoughts with intent to do so and thoughts of harm of self, it also made me see things not otherwise their). I stopped taking ti for these reasons.

I am as of current fine. My problems are physical and manageable.

My speech is short and difficult, as well as painful right now so to be honest, that post I made awhile back that I am putting up, isn't current. it was made a bit ago.

I wish I could talk that loud.... I wish I could sing again.


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