Friday, January 6, 2012


Normally I blow up my diary when I have something new to report... not my blog.

Here is the skinny. I just found out I lost benefits with DES and Social Security.

I have food here. and after coming back from the hospital I took stock in a few things.

1- My trash bags are gone.

2- Their was this weird crap all over my kitchen floor... like dirt sprinkled(though I told my friend pyro it was cat food that got scattered while I was gone... my issue being it wasn't).

3- The fan in my bedroom was off. I had left it on.

4- A blanket that had fallen to the floor was no longer their when I got back but had somehow made it onto my couch.

5- I have been obsessive in keeping the kids room clean and when I came back(mind you the door was closed so their should not have been any form of change), their was a lump of this weird linty stuff on the ground).

I forgot the money for trash-bags so a grocery bag will have to do for tonight.

I cleaned up the crap on the floor today as I took a bit to get my bearings and take stock after that.

My fan is back on as I keep it on for air circulation... and air freshener circulation(cat litter box-nuff said).

As blankets do not go on the floor... no... I did not put the blanket on the floor.

And as I just noticed the lint thing today... I picked it up and will be vacuuming tomorrow just to be sure.

I already got the dirt off my floor from their nasty shoes... did the dishes I hadn't done before due to the state I was in... dude... I couldn't remember who I was... my concern was remembering that not agonizing over a bowl and a cup that I had missed...

All in all I did good their. My friend Pyro said my desk was organized... I called it a pig sty... obviously we disagree on what constitutes a mess. I gotta toss the junk mail from today and then, to be perfectly honest, it is way past my bed time... seriously.

Gonna rub on some vicks and take a snooze... it is 11:37 at night... it is bed time.

So yeah, I gotta find a job. I needed one before... NOW I really need one.

When it rains it pours I guess.

Good news is, I was able to say a sentence in a semi normal voice... "do you know anyone who might be hiring?" I figured out as long as I keep my voice very soft(as my voice carries well it is a good thing)  and meditate into calmness of that type of thing(can only really be explained if you actually know that type of thing), I can manage semi hearable stuff. I don't think anyone will even notice as long as I keep it short. the longer I talk the harder it gets. The louder I try to be, the softer my voice gets until finally it kinda disappears.

I will overcome this. I will make a better life for my family. Because that's just the way I am. 


PS: I should tell you having a crappy sitchuation only constitutes "depression" if you are all dreary and weighed down and unable to find the hope in the sitchuation. Even in my hospital bed with them doing all those things... I was able to see how it would get better. Just clearing that up for anyone who may think otherwise. and yes, I fully intend to ask for a new case manager with southwest network. Caught her recorded in a lie already... RECORDED! She KNEW I was recording and lied and then changed her story anyway... oh bother. *grin* at the end of the recording I told her I was going to share it... then I realized the epic TMI and kept it to myself... and one other person who is on a need to know basis... meaning they need to know. OMFG! she showed up at my apartment after enough calls to be considered harassment... loosely(not much over but still... their is apparently a law about that but I have to check if it is like that in my state, they have some neat articles on laws when you are on the internet... xp). She did not ask if she could show up, she just decided to. I am tired of being talked to like she is an adult on a power hungry binge and I am a small child being humored. really it is me who humors her. I don't like her. She is dishonest, stuck up, and presumptuous. If I was a psychiatrist one of her "issues" would be a superiority complex. I do not like people like that. I am alpha female of my life. I  like using animal terminology such as "pack"(family/close friends), "mate"(husband or someone you are very seriously dating and have "given" yourself to... think about it), "Pups"(children), and such though for the sake of appearances I often just keep it to the "normal" accepted stuff. Why? Because bitches(and yes, i don't necessarily mean that as an insult... she is female... however... in this case I leave that up to you to decide...) like her have say over my life.

Let me cover this. For reasons beyond my control, I cannot get out(and no, not due to court order, and I can't discuss it), so now I have to deal with these people. At my last site at least they knew me well enough to not be so obvious with it. Sometimes I actually bought it(half truth or someone who hadn't previously lied to me) and sometimes I got someone who told me the truth. To be perfectly honest, I am sick of her "I don't understand" when I am being blunt. OMFG! If she doesn't understand "I am fine, I am not going to kill myself, or harm anyone, I am sick. I need to take care of myself and your not helping by being here so go away." Their is nothing in this earth that can MAKE her understand it! I had to shorten it to "I am fine go away" and add the flipping of the bird... er... I mean "cactus" in ASL... yeah... I so meant cactus... not. then she said "I understand that". HOW DENSE CAN YOU GET?! WHY did I even have to add the hand gesture(not that it wasn't pleasing to my ire with her... expressing said ire, but it is rude and i prefer being polite and only resort to such things in extreme sitchuations... such as the dense ones who don't seem to understand language they obviously speak well)?! In all honesty my patience is very thin with these people at this point.

How is that not an understandable sentence? In my opinion a trained chimp could probably do her job better.

I so just imagined her finding out I wrote this... hm... can't imagine the look on her face, don't know her well enough. She seems the type to go for revenge though. Just general people profiling I do for sheer entertainment purposes. It is her basic personality type. Her nose is however, so high in the air in her own fantasy land where she has rights no person should have over another... that to be perfectly honest... she irritates me. And all of this "predicting" is speculation based on things I myself have learned over the years. The accuracy may or may not be. it simply put, is me dealing with my ire of her instead of holding it in... because holding it in isn't good for me as a person. The ugliness in my soul is as visible as anything else. It may be strange... it may be odd... and for the love of all it may be, no it is weird, but... I like being me.

Yeah... it is 12:17... I did this too long.


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