Friday, December 30, 2011


Sorry I have been hacked again. I was going through typing the details of how I know this and what signs I look for when the biggest one as of late, of all came about. the black screen of "someone is fucking with my system" they shut down the browser I was using, and erased my entire post. this also happened last night and it was only a partial post that was deleted... in my diary even, no shame whatsoever! today it was a blog post.

as I was saying(I posted the above), I was going to do a skit and wierdface today but since whoever keeps doing this is so determined to keep me off my web cam(and yes, I troubleshoot, and now I have to fix my comp and hope this works. BTW, are you aware that some taps can be heard via pink noise? funny thing about that... my phone is tapped so badly that even my brother across the country can hear it when we converse. the tap was also confirmed by an ex phone company worker who retired(as she says anyway, and her confirmation isn't completely reliable so I don't put too much stalk in it). and when it is hacked so bad sometimes you can pick up the phone and not only get only dial tone, but hear what they are saying... me and an old friend had some fun with that some months ago... I admit it... it was entirely too amusing for our own good. it really didn't help that he tried to talk me into cheating on my husband, and I stood firm. I am not wise, I am not beautiful, and I am not brave but... I am loyal. I cannot deny it. I will not deny it. I held firm. he was and is just a friend... though we have not talked lately. he didn't like being told he was a crappy stalker. me? I was just glad to know who was stalking me in the first place. wouldn't be the first time he did so just to keep my rear end out of trouble. xp in high school I think he was better at it though but only cuz I was better at ignoring it. not so sure if he has been doing so lately. I kinda just shut it all off... if they want me to be just as unaware as everyone else... I can pretend. It has been many years since I learned anything regarding martial arts and to be honest, other than beating up my little brothers school yard bullies until he himself could... it really only helps me be more aware and sometimes... to let some things remain mysteries right under peoples noses. this is not an invitation for a stalker... this is me saying that my high school friend, although he never scratched the surface of who I am and what goes on in my head(doesn't even remember my fav color, but neither does my husband and i know I said it enough), he at least knows that I am a magnet for trouble. it isn't that I go looking for it, oh contrair, I avoid it like the plague... I just... draw it. can't really explain it... and while I am horrendously clumsy(well used to be, now I just occasionally am), I would have not said a word if he had just asked first. he knew me at least well enough to know I knew when I was being followed...a t least I thought he did. he was much better at it on foot. "I have my sources"..... yep... my ass he had his sources. probably my fault though... I have always had a strange thing for late night walks. I do not go unarmed and in no respect wish for trouble... but it is the only time the city has any form of relative peace. even in nature I suppose I would enjoy the night more... because i could just stare at the stars. he always knew where to find me. on that rock at the library because it was the darkest place in the city and for some reason the gangs left it alone. if I didn't know any better I would have thought he scared them off or something... or maybe it was just one of the few things in which I was lucky. I cried when they destroyed the fountain rock thingy I used to sit on... the sound of water combined with the sky(I was also annoyed when they fixed the light but I kept quiet since it was kinda the law... didn't stop me from pouting though). this was after high school of course... when I was on my own. it was my escape from what I was facing. I would just... leave my apartment and walk. most of the time I had no aim but I knew the area so well I didn't need to worry. never in that area was I attacked, never in that area was their even a crack I hadn't previously tripped over at least once. I could just blank out and let my feet take me where I needed to go.

ah memory lane... a shorter lane than it should be. despite what I heard and asked him about... I still miss my friend. the week after I was sulking about that light... it was broken and I always wondered... but then I think he would have been more inclined to remind them to fix it despite my pouting... he only ever hurt me once and that was my own fault. he even called me once or twice to remind me to carry my old switch blade(no, it was stolen years ago so I don't have it anymore), just in case. he was a bigger worry wort than me... probably because of how easily I attract trouble. but once I knew that he knew I could hold my own just fine... I never once reminded him that I would be fine. no... I hadn't trusted someone to watch my back like that since my little brother when we were just kids... it took years to build such trust. even my husband did not earn that level of it before breaking it.

I probably don't have to say... we are just friends but in high school and a long while after... I had the biggest crush. It was ironic that only after I was able to move on did he find any romantic feelings whatsoever. After I turned him down for my husband he also found another. I hope they are very happy... not sure though. we have not talked in months. hehehe, shutting up now... and I hope whoever is screwing with my crap stops. this is annoying. I have had my comp for over 8 years... it doesn't take a genius to know that after a few years... you know your comps quirks. I was hacked plenty while in my grandparents home... it was mandatory to hand over my passwords. not handing them over had consequences and I was often punished for the content of my diary(usually if I took record of the things she did while my grandfather wasn't home). so bad was it that I stopped keeping one. only recently have I been able to. it was that bad.

.... yeah, I keep a diary. I keep several actually. I am working on it though... to try and consolidate between 4-5 dif book/places(I keep one online and have one fore the purposes of having it in case I run out of paper)... then I can keep on taking it down to less. in all honesty, I wish my husband had not done the things he did. I trusted him enough to show my back and lean on him and let him lean on me(not that it took much), and at several points i even let him see me cry... that trust too took awhile to build. It saddens me that such trust is so easily thrown away.

ah... shutting up for real now. I better write in my diary today... I almost said things I didn't want to say... -__-... not my secrets to tell. just got lost in the memories. the memories I do have... I treasure. and since I have no such loss past a curtain point... I treasure every moment with my children in it. every moment i have reason to smile or laugh... even the bad, because the next morning I know... I knkow what it is like to wake up and ask.. "who am I? where am i? what is my name?" these are things we all take for granted. I was 17.

just got a phone call while written on here. from some lady in Magellan I think... said her name but not sure if it is good to place that on here... so maybe only first name, Norma. I have several recorded conversation documenting interaction with partners in recovery west valley clinic. They were previously informed, verbally and many times over the phone that all conversations(not related to my work, as I do not consider that good practice to record other peoples personal stuff over the hotline, and not always with friend conversations either as... I shouldn't have to need to record friends... you should be able to trust them, though I am not naive and those who call themselves friend but do not act it... are in fact recorded at times, and yes... they are told so they know it when I am, curtain people talk differently when recorded... a big sign of who you can trust and who you cannot). anyway, they have gone from claiming not to be able to find the evaluation in may and therefore couldn't find it(recorded conversations reference this), to finding it and saying it wasn't legit because since I was pregnant at the time... the doc didn't want to do that as my official evaluation(seemed OK to me as i agree, it is bad practice and I miscarried later anyway... and no, you will not find it in medical records as anything but verbal relay, it is complicated and I blame myself... though I knew it would happen but had hoped it would not). NOW I was just told they are saying it was a "no show"... hm... I should pull that up later and replay some parts that record them saying these things. if I do this right no names or anything will be revealed... but enough will be heard so that it is well and known that they have been playing dirty and I do not appreciate it... though I think I have been pretty loud about how much a "appreciate" it.

The woman, Norma, it should be noted, spoke reasonably, will be checking up with me next Friday according to her,  and I have no complaints. I am simply waiting to see where this goes. Sometimes... caution is best. so far though, she has been alright. If I find out later that is not the case, I will not hesitate to say so. I think anyone who every reads my blog or even my Facebook at times... knows that. however I am reminded by myself to speak about not just the bad... so... it is small but this is good. I simply hope it stays as such. I am cautious.


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